I seem to go from one end of the spectrum to the other regarding my feelings about what happened on Sept 11th. The sense of uncertainy that I have had since then has been the ongoing battle that I have been fighting.
After this happened, I was telling my Mother that I seemed the whole country was going through what I went through when my daughter became ill with leukemia. From the moment I got the diagoses, that very second, my priorities changed. Career, house, cars, just stuff became unimportant. My definition of "successful" changed. It wasn't about having a fat bank account anymore. Plus, I dealt with all of the uncertainly of whether or not she was going to live.
I won't go into great detail, but my husband and I really went through some extremely difficult times during her illness. Emotionally and financially. We still feel the effects today. However, I do stop and take notice of the some of the simple things that I find beautiful and comforting.
I do, however, acknowledge there is plenty of uglyness in this world and yes, sometimes, I have to just blank it out. I do what I can to make this a better world, because I am in it, but realize I can't fix everything. I also ask myself, "if I had died in that plane crash, would I have wanted everyone to feel guilty for living a full live and experience joy again"? Well, of course not, I would have wanted everyone to go on.
I don't want anyone to think that I think I am trying to be the voice of those people. It's just a thought when I feel sad for what happened.
Andi, when you get mad about something petty, you might try to stop yourself, and ask what is REALLY going on?I have a tendency to get snappy over something small, when it is something else completely that is bothering me. I know it's hard though in the heat of the moment.
As for the blessings in my life. Well, here goes.
1. My children. My daughter, who is 10, that I nearly lost twice. Once at birth and then a year later when she was diagnosed with Leukemia. She was blessed with a wonderful Dr and medical staff that were so kind and compassionate. My Son, who is 5 and hyper-active. He is so outgoing and cute. My new elderly hungarian neighbors have fallen completely in love with him.
2. My husband. So hardworking, loyal, and sweet. He is understanding of my many quirks and keeps a sense of humor when I go on one of my mini tirades.
3. My Mom. She's a fantasic grandmother and my kids adore her. Her husband (my step-father) is also a terrific "Papaw".
4. My health. Goodness knows I haven't taken the best care of myself, yet, I am in pretty good shape.
5. My friends. I don't make friends easily in the "real" world. I am somewhat shy and standoffish. Not easy to get to know. So, most of my friends go back to childhood or before I got married. I know that if I need something they would be there for me. One is even a born again christian who is privy to my religious background. Yet, she and her husband never try to convert me. They just show me kindness and have done so for nearly 20 years.
6. My sister. Geez, how we used to fight growing up. Now, we actually like each other . She's a computer "genius" and built this computer for me as a Xmas present.
7. I have the most beautiful view of Mt. San Jacinto out my kitchen window. One of the first things I do in the morning is open the blinds and enjoy the scenery.
8. I haven't done one since I was in a car accident in January and broke my foot. However, right before that, I could STILL do a CARTWHEEL! My daughter was trying to learn and was AMAZED I could do one. My husband also got quite a kick out of watching me cartwheel around his Mother's backyard. I will consider myself completely healed when I can complete a perfect cartwheel!
And...I will say..
This discussion Board. I consider most of the many posters on this board to be blessings in my life. I have learned so much. I won't name a single person, but I have gain a clarity that I know I wouldn't have if I hadn't found this place. I am truly grateful for your research and your thoughts and insight.
A very big special thank you to Simon
(edited because I thought of more things to be grateful for )