Sitting here alone (page 2)

SPAZnik

Just read another of your threads and now understand more about the situation.

Other than going back to the KH, what other options do you see for overcoming the natural feelings of aloneness or isolation resulting from recent events?

Other than going back to the KH, what other ideas can you think up about how to continue being a good dad inspite of your wife's decisive actions?

Sounds like you have been suddenly thrust into a huge time of change. I wish you well in learning how to crawl and then walk, in this new level of gravity. Remember, muscles take time to build up and flexibility is important to good health. :)

How about brainstorming some intermediate options to try out other than the black and white options of stay or go. Such as taking it a day at a time and a conversation at a time, for starters???

thepackage

Thanks Grouper. In case you guys are woundering, Grouper is my Best Friend. I try to do things with my girls but my Ex-wife plans all these fun things to do and I work all week so, when i get off of work my kids are tired and have already ate. On weekends she plan trips out of town and other fun stuff so when I go to pick them up my kids are excited to go out of town and if I say no, they get upset. I tell them I love them 100 times a day and hug adn kiss them the time I spend with them. He parents are not nice people adn always talk bad about me.

SPAZnik

It's basically a war of attrition.

Work on his relationship with himself. This alone will have a positive inviting and loving ripple effects.

Work on his relationship with each individual child. Show interest in what each of them loves doing and the people they love. Ask and Listen without fear. Share his own interests too.

Engage the kids in suggesting activities to support this "satellite" family unit. Work together to make up fun little rituals that are unique and special to their visits together. Do these consistently and reliably, there is just too much other change going on. That said, be flexible in trying out a few things and seeing what sticks and be open to the evolution of the whole affair right now.

Get more social himself with his coworkers neighbors and community. This will increase opportunities for his daughters to eventually safely socialize within that context as well.

Be patient. A lot of change has occurred in a short period of time. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Give it time. (by redirecting focus and energies on what you DO know and what you CAN do) :)

Feeling for ya,
S.

SPAZnik

"What you resist, will persist. What you befriend, you will transcend."

Sort of like rolling with the punches. Taking an incoming blow and throwing it's own energy against itself. Do you see what I'm suggesting?

What do you think about befriending the idea that your daughters take pleasure and enjoyment in playing in the pool with their friends? How? By refusing to give in to the fear of what is going to happen with your relationship with your daughters and instead simply HAVING a relationship with them. How? By doing things like keeping the lines of communication open. Asking them to tell you all about swimming and their friends. You could even become a part of that joy, albeit from afar, by doing something little like bathing suit shopping with them or something that would support and contribute to the things they enjoy doing. Find out what other interests they have. Do projects with them around volunteering in your own community now and encouraging a more diverse variety of friendships. (Widen out! haha)

If you make it an either or thing, they will likely rebel. Just support the swimming thing. Take your insecurities to us and/or to your therapist. Honestly. Don't stop being a good father just because you are having the hardest time of your life.

Watch some inspiring movies about people that overcame huge odds. That can be fun.

And remember to whistle. :)

SPAZnik

Okay, I'm just gonna shut up here. I don't really even know what the question is. Are you trying to ask how to handle your daughters getting upset?

I have a friend that went thru a divorce situation complete with child and jw issues involved. This friend went to a government provided course along the lines of parenting through divorce. It wasn't time consuming and was a huge support. Perhaps there is something practical and wise like that in your area.

thepackage

S. Thanks you sooooo much. I'm just trying to figure out a number of things since I never thought I'd be in this situation. I did note realize that my eyes being opened to thw WTS would cost my family.

SPAZnik

Really, I'm gonna shut up here. (soon. haha. your plight has me all worked up LOL)

Another thought. If your wife is disrespecting a court ordered time allotted to you by doing that to her kids emotions, I would recommend looking into what options are legally available to you in dealing with her. Then armed with that knowledge and before implementing it, have a little one on one talk with her telling her not to play that game with your daughters ever again. Hand her a calendar hilighting your visitation weekends. You guys need to learn to co-parent now. You need support so that you aren't left feeling outnumbered.

Seems the first battle of all, after the one in your own mind, is with the other half of your kids genetics. She may have the right to personally leave you, but she has no right to keep your children away from you and playing little emotional games with your girls isn't right.

I remember one time my dad was feeling much the same position as you are in right now. He brought a police escort and court order to enforce the visit. I think it had the effect of reminding everyone involved that there are forces to be reckoned with outside the JW organization. Visitation was never questioned again.

I've seen other people start out fairly strict on the visitation front while there was so much adjusting going on with all the changes. This was the most fair to all parties and easily articulated to children. Later as some time had past and a better coparenting rapport established...more flexibility became negotiable. Always with a view to keeping it fair to all parties.

You are one of the parties entitled to a fair shake here. I hope you realize that. Don't be a martyr. Don't give up. Kids will get over missing one weekend with their friends. but, whatever you want.

If you believe your kids need their 12 years old friends more than they need you, then maybe you're right.

Personally, I learned a lot of independence from my parents not being around much.

If noone's gonna listen to the court order, then just learn to decide what your own hard limits about visitation are and learn to negotiate a compromise you can live with.

SPAZnik

Awww, you're welcome. Hang in there.

One more tip about conjuring up creativity in problem solving, in case it helps....in my experience, I can be blocked for a long time about creative solutions but when I let my emotions out, either venting to a friend or just writing an email that never gets sent, and really letting out all the worst of the emotions (without judging myself for it since it's just an emotional exercise) I find that all of a sudden the floodgates of creativity are opened up and solutions are everywhere!!! :)

Something that makes brainstorming solutions even more fun is going BIG with it. Get some giant paper and tape it to the wall and write ideas in colourful markers. May sound ridiculous under the circumstances, but I think a little bit of ridiculousness is in order here!! :) This is a warzone after all!

Also, the best book I've ever read on negotiating, is called "Getting To Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In" Phenomenal book. Please go buy it or rent it from the library or send me your mailing address and I will send you a copy. There is a phenomenal chapter in it about "dealing with difficult people" that has helped me come a looooong way in how I handle the various trying relationships in my family. :) My sister and I weren't talking for like ten years and now we are friends who talk regularly!!! :) On my end of that relationship, this book helped me out. You would be well-armed with it's suggestions!! :) It's an easy read and very reputable in the conflict resolution field. :)

By the way, it seems to me you're doing lot's well already, under the circs. Glad you're venting here and have a supportive best friend. So glad you're ensuring your girls know you love 'em. This little visitation issue is going to be a problem of the past very soon, I'm sure of it!!

Okay, I think I'm done yapping now. lol
I trust you'll take what works in your situation and scrap the rest!
Wishing you well.

Hortensia

let your ex-wife party with the kids - you can't compete with that. but you can sit with them, listen to them, get them to tell you stories, answer their questions, help them with home work, etc. That is very meaningful. Also never say mean things, let your wife and her family do that. It becomes obvious even to little kids who is not behaving well. Of course, I'm not a parent, but I was a kid in a crappy family and I remember what meant the most to me.

ex-nj-jw

Welcome to JWD package,

Do you have your kids on the weekends or during the week? Maybe you can plan fun things for them to do when you have them! Just because you and the wife are no longer together doesn't mean you have to give up your time with your kids.

Your time does not have to consist of going to the meetings. Do you think you can be honest with them, maybe daddy doesn't go the the meetings anymore but we can do (insert something they enjoy) instead.

Show them the other side that they won't see being a JW. As far as sitting through the meetings just for them, my opinion is that is wrong. You will be sending them mixed messages.

In the end it's your choice, you have to do what's right for you and your children. I've never had that problem so it's kinda hard to say what I'd do.

Good luck

nj

Sitting here alone

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