Funny answering machine messages

ButtLight

I found a few that gave me a laugh

Hi, we're not home right now so leave your name and number after the beep, if you are calling to collect an outstanding debt, please leave your name and number before the beep.

Hi, you've reached the home of ............... If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now. Pressing 3 is optional

Due to the large number of complaints regarding the length of our previous answering machine message, we made a few changes. Very fast: Hi, this is ........ If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP

free2think

ROTFLMAO, the last one was my favourite.

Mary

OK, you asked for it...heh-heh-heh....

"...You have reached the voice mailbox for the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society. Due to our inability to deal with problems and/or criticism we have decided to ignore your call at this time, but if you want to leave a message please choose one of the following options:
If you are an elder and have just molested a child, please press #1;
If you are an elder and someone has complained that a co-elder sexually molested them, please press #2.
If you are a victim of child abuse within the Organization, please hang up now.
If you wish to donate your money to the Organization, please listen to the following options:
- for amounts of $250,000 or more, please press any key and one of the Governing Body members will give you a written guarantee of Everlasting Life.
- for amounts of $100,000 or more, please press '0' on your phone and you will be connected to a greedy Christian within seconds;
- for amounts between $25,000 and $99,999, please press '00' and leave a message as to when you'll be delivering the loot;
- for amounts between $5,000 and $24,999 we would like to ask you to dig down deep and get those greenbacks out. Remember, God loves a cheerful giver.
- for amounts under $5,000, please hang up now and call back when you have more.
If you would like to complain about how our changing doctrines have ruined your life, please hang up now;
If you are a wholesaler and have a good deal on extra-absorbant Depends for our Governing Body members, please press #5;
If you are suffering from depression, please go out in service and pray more;
If you've practiced oral sex on your mate, please come straight to Bethel and show us exactly what you did;
If you think you are possessed by Satan, please press #666 now;
If you are a cross-dresser and would like to be part of the Governing Body, please call 1-800-J.R. BROWN for details;
If you inquiring about the NGO scandal, please leave a message as to what apostate site you saw these half-truths on and a Judicial Committee will be in touch with you shortly;
For all other inquiries, please wait on Jehovah and He'll be with you shortly.

Paralipomenon

I once adapted Faith No More's song "Be Aggressive" to an answering machine message. It fits in perfectly

LEAVE. A MESSAGE.
LE-EAVE A MESSAGE.
L-E-A-V-E M-E-S-S-A-G-E

I used to get grounded off changing the message on the answering machine at home.

This was the catalyst:

"Hello? [pause] Hello?? [pause] I can barely hear you, can you speak louder? [beeeep]"

Our answering machine would be filled with confused people yelling in mid sentence.

ButtLight

Lmao mary!

I like the last line the best!

free2think

ROTFLMAO Mary, too funny esp:

If you've practiced oral sex on your mate, please come straight to Bethel and show us exactly what you did;

Paralipomenon

"For all other inquiries, please wait on Jehovah and He'll be with you shortly."

LOL

ex-nj-jw

ROFLMAO - Buttlight that was too funny!!

nj

ButtLight

Hello. If you're calling with bad news, leave your message now. If it's good news, wait for the tone.

Hello... Yes, I'd like to order two medium pepperoni pizzas please, with extra cheese... Oh, did I get the wrong number? Sorry about that. (Click.)

I'm unable to take your call in person because I'm having an out-of-the-body experience. In fact I'm standing right behind you and I can hear everything you say. But leave me a message anyway to help me reconnect when I get back.

Hi, you've reached 555-5555, Please leave a message after the tone. If you are calling about a past due bill, please leave your name, creditcard number, and experation date, and I will make my payment shortly!

Abaddon

The last answerphone message I had was 'I'm sorry, I am out fighting dragons at the moment, please leave a message or call later'.

I quite liked an ex-bosses answerphone message of 'you leave the message, I call you back'.

I mean, do you want to talk to anyone you have to tell to talk AFTER the beep?

Funny answering machine messages

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