Over the years I've noticed that in almost every Kingdom Hall, someone (or multiple people) fill the following congregation roles. I'll post a few I came up with, and I invite you to post your own as well as amusing anecdotes about them.
Sister "Opening Night at the Opera" This sister can be any age and have any level of skill, from zero to she-could-be-a-professional. She loves to sing LOUD and is proud of it! Invoking the awesome power of her lungs, she can make it sound like she's the only one signing in a crowd of over 100 people. Her lung capacity is truly a wonder to behold as she holds notes while everyone else is pausing to take a breath, which makes her actually the only one singing. The affect of this can range from pleasing to terribly distressful and some of the poorer examples tend to not only sing terribly, but off-key and off-time as well, throwing the entire congregation off its "rhythm."
Sister "I'm not getting married, I'm going to pioneer and stay single" Nine times out of ten, this sister really does want to get married but is tired of all the older brothers and sisters that try to set her up on dates with gumpy-looking losers. This line is often used by her when trying to let down a brother she isn't interested in easy. It's really the ultimate "not interested" in the dating world. She looks great for foregoing her biological urges and he looks bad if he doesn't accept this excuse. It also provides a bit of solace for the disappointed brother, as it further convinces him that there is nothing wrong with him (even though there is, oh god there is), until of course the sister inevitably gets engaged 6 months later. Unfortunately, this tactic can backfire and cause the sister to remain a single virgin well into her 40's, where she promptly loses her mind and becomes Sister "Opening Night at the Opera."
Brother "Just got back from Bethel, now worship the ground I walk on" This Brother is a breed apart from the rest of the congregation. Older members tend to shower him with praise and view him as a "gift" to the congregation. All of the females in the Hall his age are instantly attracted to him, but he will probably end up marrying Sister "I'm not getting married..." He is commonly viewed as the most mature man among his peers, even though all he did was study the bible getting free room and board, catered food, laundry service, and even a monthly allowance despite almost no expenses. He often talks to people in mindgames and riddles, attempting to give the impression that bethel has made him smart/clever. This usually fails to impress the older ones, but does cause the vaginas of all the young sisters in the hall to drip with anticipation of his presence.
Elder Hardass Elder Hardass is either very old or very young. In many congregations, he was once Brother "Just got back from Bethel, now worship the ground I walk on." Elder Hardass rules with an iron fist, enforcing his own quirky rules on the congregation. They can be as ridiculous as "no colored shirts on the stage" or "no one is allowed to get married unless they have first pioneered and are over 30." Elder Hardass believes everyone should pioneer, and all brothers should go to bethel as he once did. Making a living in today's world is no concern or excuse for members of the congregation to not meet his rigid meeting attendance and service time standards. Often, this Elder is rich and doesn't have to worry about money. He is also usually good friends with the Circuit and even District Overseers, making complaints against him impossible to be heard by an objective ear.
Sister "Elder's Wife that everyone buys Expensive Vitamin Supplements/Pampered Chef/Quack Medical Devices from" Upon moving into an area, this sister promptly takes the role of Congregation Shaman. She reads books by medical quacks and con-men about Eating right for your Blood Type, Natural Cures, and other such nonsense. Other sisters in the congregation consequently eat it up, and pay her lots of money in order to buy her extremely overpriced wares. If a congregation member becomes inflicted with a serious condition, follows her advice, and improves, it is lauded by the other hens as ultimate proof of her almost-divine healing providence. Of course, if someone DOESNT get better, the fact is promptly ignored.
Additional congregation responsibilites
by B_Deserter 5 Replies latest social humour
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B_Deserter
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Wasanelder Once
Nailed it!
W.Once
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Gopher
Brother "Wannabe a ministerial servant". This specimen is between the ages of 25 and 50, and still trying to impress the elders. He kisses up to the circuit overseer during each visit. He gives long answers at the Sunday meetings, and gets in lots of field service time, perhaps even auxiliary pioneering. But because he's a bit odd (few people skills) and / or scatterbrained, the elders find ways to not give him the appointment he so desperately craves.
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R.F.
My congo has all those accept the "Brother just got back from Bethel" one.
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purplesofa
How about Sister wannabe elder!!
uuugggggggg
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AWAKE&WATCHING
Purps ! Do you know my MIL ? LOL