broken hearted

crazy

Hi

Before I go any further I have to confess that I am a non-JW. I hope you all don't mind too much. I am very much in love with an ex-JW but I think I have screwed up big time and lost him. Please can someone talk to me and answer a few questions and help me try to figure things out. He has not long left the WTS after 22 years in it and he was a MS for some time. His mother is still a JW and his 3 year old daughter is being brought up by her JW mother. He said he wants to leave his past behind him and blamed me for not letting him, but it is not that simple when his daughter is still being brought up in it and I am convinced that her mother has deliberately tried to split us up cos she is afraid of the influence I will have as I am not a JW. Please help, I need some advice. Right now he won't even talk to me.

Thanks for listening

unique1

He should get joint custody if at all possible then leave that life behind but not his daughter. He may not be able to control what she does when she is with mommy but he can show her the other side of things: birthday parties, school dances, etc. That way when she is an adult she can make a balanced decision as to her religious choices.

Welcome to the board.

DJK

Being involved with someone who is divorced, or divorcing with children involved can and often is trying. Most times it can be done, in some it's impossible.

When you add JW into the mix, you may be getting into the impossible.

I don't see how you could have held him up from letting go of the past. This may be a cop out IMO. I say move on you will get over it and it will be for the better.

BizzyBee

answer a few questions and help me try to figure things out.

Sorry you are broken hearted. But I didn't detect any actual question in your post - ?

He said he wants to leave his past behind him and blamed me for not letting him

Can you explain a bit more about what this means?

jaguarbass

Probalby anyone you take an interest in will have baggage, and problems to deal with. If you are interested enough keep pluging away at the relationship. Life doesnt hand very much to us on a silver plater.

Good luck

crazy

I feel a bit bad about talking about him behind his back, but he has only left the WTS a few months ago and I think he fells he is completely over his time in it but he is still very much in the JW mindset, or at least from what I can gather from what I have found out about the JWs. I have never actually experienced it and you guys have, so I was hoping for some advice on how best to deal with and approach things. I think I have made a big mistake because I am a Christian and I told him that I felt I was having to make allowances because of his daughter being brought up JW, such as not mentioning birthdays, Christmas, Easter etc. I also told him how much it hurt me when he asked me to take off the cross I was wearing when we picked up his daughter from her mother's. I sort of feel like the enemy all the time and I hope this won't seem insulting to those of yo who have been real victims of the Watchtower, but I felt that it was starting to control my life. I think my mistake tho was telling him this. Perhaps I should have just bitten my tongue and been patient? What do you think?

crazy

I also just said to him that we would have issues to deal with when his daughter was old enough to start asking questions, and that neither he nor I had any control over that.

DJK

but I felt that it was starting to control my life. I think my mistake tho was telling him this.

And it was only the beginning. Imagine years later. No mistake about an honest, open relationship.

anewme

Your concerns are very real. But you will note from the experiences here on this forum that after 22 years it will take a while before the Watchtower is out of his head and heart. The Witnesses are heavily brainwashed and programmed and indoctrinated each week. So it is understandable that your boyfriend will need a longer time to work it all out of his system. If it was just the two of you it would be much easier. It seems so easy to an outsider to just shrug it all off, but it is not. He is thinking of his child and the possibility of losing visits with her if it gets back to his ex that she is becoming confused.

In my case Crazy, my boyfriend gave me a lot of time.....three years to get comfortable with being out. And even now that we are married I am still on this website almost daily.
I celebrate all holidays now and am comfortable being out but it took a while.

If he is the one for you, be patient with him, especially if he asks you to and you see signs of improvement. He may benefit greatly from logging on to this website for help to leave it all behind him. Many here are parents and married to JWs. They can help him work it all out.

Welcome to the forum Crazy,

Anewme

Mum

Proceed with caution, and there can't be too much caution. If his ex-wife is hostile to you, she might accuse you of terrible things to keep their child from being with him or you. JW's have a policy of "justified lying" to keep "non-believers" (i.e., Christians, Jews, Muslims, other religious people or actual unbelievers) scared and to show them who's boss, the Watchtower Society.

There are a lot of nice guys out there. Maybe you should go out and meet some. I know it's easier said than done when you're involved and in love. But for your future mental health and peace, I must, in all good conscience, recommend that you try it.

Good luck. You'll neeeeeeeeed it!

Regards,

SandraC

broken hearted

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