Literally and figuratively...
If you don't know my story, its the basic "I'm gay and from a family of JWs" and lately it hasn't been going well. I'm still saving up to move out, but that "meeting" I was suppose to have with the elders is scheduled tonight. It was scheduled Tuesday night but I dodged that bitch hard. So it's tonight.. and I don't think I'll be going to the meeting because I'm depressed... which is true just not ALL true.
But not only because of the meeting. My mom came at me really strong last night and she was just so.. mean and hurtful. I was trying to reason to her to get her to understand- that she's asking me to live alone or get married and have a fucked up marriage, that I didn't ask for the feelings, that I still want my family and that we can all work at this and set up boundaries and I know its hard for her- but she wouldn't hear it.
She just wanted to tear me apart. For days all I've heard is that "You're not man enough/a real man at all- if only your father had stayed.. I can't even picture something so disgusting...You are going to destroy this family and its worth it to you..for that!" And it goes on and on and whenever I try to explain myself, she either starts compulsively shaking and sobbing or she'll gt downright nasty and mock me. And last night she told me that I will be out of HER family. And I repeated her, and she excalimed. "Yes, MY Family. You will not hurt us. You will not be around us Like That! You you want to be a Gay man you will not be around us at all!"
So I guess fags don't have families. I'm just waiting for her to say- its like on the tip of her tongue sometimes i just want her to. Like if she said it I could stop caring about her altogether.
And God, this is not what I expected at all, you know? I expected us not to talk for a few months, for things to be difficult, but she's not even going to try with me. At all. That's all I wanted, for us to try.. we were friends (hell, you know that whole theory about the too close overbearing mother making her son gay? Yeah... not saying its' true but it does make me wonder in my case) And i related to her that if I were out 'in the world' having sex with women and having babies left and right that would be okay, but if I'm gay then that's when I'm out of the family. And she exclaims "That's different!" How, i asked, is it any different when sin is sin? That shows her bias and I was trying to show her how hurtful and wrong it was and she wouldn't hear it, all she could do is look at me with hate and disgust...
You would think it would be so easy for me to just go out with some friend and have a drink or just chill and blab to them- but she is right. it is different. I'm not 'going out into the world to have all the fun and 'be cool'. And it would be different if I were banging chicks left and right and having babies with every girl in the tristate area. I'm going from being hated by one group into being hated by the majority. Most of my Non-JW friends don't know still and its hard to even tell them sometimes and I just feel so stuck and I'm just tired and feel so alone right now. Fighting back tears and shit. Like suicide doesn't even seem that bad anymore and I can totally relate to just ending it all if I had the balls, if I could do it quick...
Eh, sorry another whiny post from me, I just had to get that off of my chest 'cause its really heavy.