What to do when your parents are toxic? (page 2)

IP_SEC

You know it is so easy for people to say "Just stay away" It is a lot harder to do.

Nope, it just seems that way. Once you overcome the fear and "I cant" it is very easy.

I had toxic parents. They were still toxic even though they went to KH. For some years I figured that if I was the perfect Christian that they would love me. It took awhile to realize how toxic they were and how they had never been parents.

I have no contact with either parent. I was amazing how quickly I felt better. They still occasionally try to reach out with that toxic touch, but I just stay far away. 100 miles might work, Gary, if it weren't for the telephone. I recommend getting caller ID; return all letters and packages; and if they show up on your property after you have asked them not to, call the police.

I have a book in my library: Toxic Parents--Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Dr. Susan Forward.

I have read and re-read that book many times. It's a great book and gives practical advice and step by step help.

Blondie

Uzzah

My mother is such a person. I came to the realization at 15 that she was poison. I have fallen into the guilt mode a couple of times in the past 25 years since that decision. But with every visit the realization that ending that relationship was by far the best thing I could have done for myself.

I honor her for bearing me and for raising me until my early teens but she just is not capable of a relationship beyond that.

I am a far better for not having her in my life than I would have been with her there.

Uzzah

blondie

Another book that could be helpful is by Susan Forward as well, Emotional Blackmail.

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0060928972/o/qid=976836818/sr=2-1/103-5970003-0385437

Uzzah

{{{{Blondie}}} from another orphan by choice

sass_my_frass

My parents are quite poisonous. They don't mean to be, they're not abusive, they're just... actually I don't even know. It's just that everything that happens with them now is a massive emotional rollercoaster. Everything is difficult and depressing. They are deeply unhappy, and it's contagious. I love them deeply but I know that there's a limit to my responsibility - I got through my depression eventually and they can too, but I have passed the point at which I can do anything, like the time I was hanging out with the alcoholic because I thought that I could make him see sense.

I have a responsibility towards them, I know that, but my primary responsibility is to myself and my husband. If I had children I'd put them way ahead of my parents too. They have lived their lives and made their choices. If there was anything that I could do to help them I'd do it but I know that there isn't. I can just hope that they talk themselves through it, or that somebody close to them finally spits and tells them to get it together - I know that they have good and close friends and surely one of them will eventually have the guts to tell them that if all of their kids don't talk to them it may be because of something they're doing?

Any contact that I have with them now hurts me and affects hubby and I for days or even weeks, and my life and marriage are more precious to me now; even more precious than my parents. I love them so much, but have to choose between my wellbeing and my compelling desire to help. I know that I can't; or not at a very high price that I'm no longer willing to pay.

I just have to let it go. At first it was hard, but I know that I'm better off. I'm even better off without them, and it's likely that they're better off without me.

cellomould

buy a scary clown mask and frighten them - just before they turn on the lights

Gill

Sadly, it sometimes becomes necessary to stay away as much as possible if not completely from toxic parents.

Both my husband and myself have to do this and are much happier. My parents are not keen to stop contact BUT I limit it as much as possible. They are controlling and completely into Watchtower land and control. I think that is why so many parents 'like' the WTBTS because it expects and demands respect and obedience even when it doesn't deserve it and even when it should not get it and parents who are toxic want the same, unquestioning obedience. Staying 'in' is a means of controlling the rest of the family.

Once you no longer 'play the game' they have no control over you at all.

The answer? Don't play the game. Just walk.

skeptic1914

Toxic Parents--Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Dr. Susan Forward.

I remember reading that MANY years ago and I just may read it again. (Thanks, Blondie). Unfortunately I'm the one that still becomes a little child in my mother's presence. I find it's even more frustrating when you are aware it's happening but feel powerless to stop it.

I wish you well. I never cease to be amazed at what a powerful, life-shaping effect parents have on their children.

Skeptic1914

Paralipomenon

Thanks for the input all.

Last night on the way home from work, I stopped into a book store and picked up a copy of "Toxic Parents" for my wife.

I come in the door and my wife greets me with an envelope. Her parents sent us a card and cheque for our anniversary. A week late, but the first time they've remembered in eight years.

After 8 months of the silent treatment, they picked last night to "reestablish contact". Well we talked about it a bit this morning and I told her about what her parents were saying to others.

She was quite shocked that this had been since October. I told her that I was worried when I had heard about this that she didn't feel comfortable talking to me about it anymore and she just shrugged.

She said she could see it coming and didn't put too much weight in it. I had printed off that post on the "narcissistic mother" a while back and gave it to her. Since then her mother had re-established contact with other daughter, the "golden child" so my wife was just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

She has a good friend network now and receives alot of praise from her best friend's mother who sadly in the past year has shown more appreciation for my wife then her biological mother did her whole life.

I left the book for her to read, but I'm not sure if she will or not.

We're coming up on summer and I think this is their attempt to reestablish contact for the grandkids to come visit. She agreed but said she wasn't going to go down.

I reminded her she said that last year too and still went. I refused to drive down or use our vacation budget on them so they paid for her trip down. we had to pay for the trip back though, nice huh?

I told her that she can go if she likes, but the kids won't be going. They'll need to prove to me that they can handle a relationship with their daughter before I'll let them have any further influence on our children.

What to do when your parents are toxic?

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