I struggled under the weight of the medical expenses and quack treatments I paid for with my first wife. I did pay all the expenses in full. So I kind of started my current life when I was 27.
I began a plan of living way below my means . . . like by half. That meant I lived where I didn't want to live and drove a car I didn't want to drive and I worked at a job I didn't want to work at.
I didn't bother with education like all Witness kids I knew in the 60's. One thing I had failed to appreciate was that I could get educated in or out of school and I was working for the three best business men in the state and they were willing to teach me. I worked for them and then I worked with them and after 8 1/2 years I had a year's expenses saved and I quit the job to go into business with my dad.
We worked hard and worked smart and after 5 years we saw the benefits.
Another thing I learned was the meaning of struggling under commitment. Everybody I saw struggling, was struggling under commitment. Most of the commitment was a commitment to service debt. Another was a commitment to spend more money then they made. I saw people making excuses instead of being smart.
The highest priced decisions I ever made was my 4 planned for sons. Those are the 4 best decisions I ever made.
When I was 30 I went right side up financially by plan. I never borrowed to buy another vehicle or any consumer items or land. I currently drive a 20 year old paid for pickup. I built my family home myself and it was paid for the day we moved in 22 years ago.
I did take some college courses and I studied real estate brokerage and investment. I wish I'd had more school earlier but I made up for it by hard work and careful decision making. I advise my friends and family to listen to Dave Ramsey and take his advise. I don't agree with all he says but it's be hard to have financial problems while actually working his plan.
Feeling a little sorry for ourselves...
by exwitless 19 Replies latest jw friends
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garybuss
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anewme
Exwitless, feeling like you have been struggling your entire married life....is hard.
I hope somehow, someway a little relief comes to you this Spring or Summer in the form of some kind of get-away!
Let us know if something fun turns up for you!
We will be looking for that happy post!
Sincerely,
Anewme -
serendipity
HI ex,
I'm a single parent with a full time job and sole responsibility for a kid, house, yard and car. I know about ruts, routine and exhaustion. One of the things I did early on was to take a hard look at the tasks I performed at home in an effort to simplify my life. I decided I was overdoing the housecleaning, so I stopped doing some things. Other things I did less frequently. I also did that with my errands - because they were consuming large parts of the day. I also got extremely organized. Doing these things freed up time so that I could just stare at the wall if I wanted, or take my daughter to a park and spend an hour swinging.
I also started giving my daughter chores when she was 3. I added one or two every year. By the time she was 12, she was cleaning the house and doing laundry (receiving an allowance). From what I observe, many parents don't expect much of their kids in that department. The kids won't do as a good of a job as an adult, but really, it doesn't matter for most chores.
Your sacrifices will pay off shortly. Just keep chugging away, a day at a time and look for opportunities to simplify your life and take a break from the routine. Hopefully since your husband finished school, a better paying job is possible, giving you some financial relief. -
AK - Jeff
I cannot recall your location - but I think we are close geographically. Perhaps Wifey and I and the g-kids could hook up with you sometime and spend a 'mini-vacation' together. Just a thought.
Pm us sometime.
Jeff
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Quandry
Yes, my husband and I can relate. He left a job with many opportunities for advancement many years ago when we became one with the Borg. I kept working at my low paying job. He did a variety of service low paying jobs. We were able to make every meeting and he became an elder. We struggled financially, and eventually I wanted to go to college (I went one year before the Borg) so that I could get a better paying job. Of course, my obedient elder husband said that this would not be a good example to others, so I could not.
Fast forward. After thirty years, husband began having health problems and could no longer work outside in every kind of weather. I was still plodding along in my low paying job. He was sick and out of work for quite awhile, during which time we used up all our small savings. During this time, he lost the "priviledge" of being the WT study conductor. He was no longer able to get to every meeting and so was no longer a good example.
He then took a course at a technical school to start a new kind of job. Still doesn't pay very well. I am back in school now-cannot really afford it. Can only take one class at a time. My daughter is in a community college close to home. We can't afford to send her to a good school. We have no money for retirement.
We also are barely able to keep paying the house payment. No vacations. But--I will not give up on school. Definitely not for my daughter, and I hope that I can finish. At least, although it is tiring, can you imagine adding time for all those meetings and preaching on top of it? Also, there is less wear and tear on the car, and less gas expense. We were always using our car. Plus, now I don't have to buy all those meeting clothes.
So there are some good spots. Plus on the up side, I have left a little bit of the guilt behind over what a bad person I am, never doing enough.I hope that we can all get some satisfaction in knowing that we are productive, worthwhile citizens of whatever area we live in. As long as we are working we are not a drain on society, nor a problem for authorities. We are doing the best we can for our families. That makes us valuable people.
Hope there is light at the end of the tunnel soon for all of us.
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exwitless
Thanks, you guys. You're all awesome. I tend to be a fairly optimistic person in general. I try to see the positive side of unexpected changes and I always try to make the best of what we have. I read a quote in my pocket calendar recently; I thought it was pretty cool:
"If you haven't got all the things you want, be grateful for the things you don't have that you don't want."
It's so true. So I haven't been on vacation for 13 1/2 years. So we are eeking the last bit of usage out of our old cars. So we have a too-small home. At least we don't have cancer; we don't live in a homeless shelter. We don't have to beg for food. At least that's the positive way I should be thinking of things. I try. But sometimes it just gets very frustrating, because we always try to do the right thing, we're law-abiding, we're honest and moral, we try to help others in need whenever we can. And we never seem to get ahead in life.
It may seem like a scapegoat, but I honestly feel like the 14 years we were in the borg were nearly a complete waste as far as making progress in life. Now, in our mid 30's, we're both in college and struggling to make ends meet, as though we were 20-year-old college students just starting out. Only we have the added responsibility of a child and full-time jobs and a home to keep up and so on. In fact, I know positively that we would be MUCH better off financially had we never become JWs. Not only for the fact that we were taken advantage of by a JW couple, but also because we didn't buy a nice home when we could have afforded to, because we would have been "materialistic" to do so. I wouldn't have quit my good paying job to work in our office cleaning business we started so we could "spend more time in service".
Oh, I could go on for hours, but I won't bore you all to death. I know a lot of people have a lot worse problems than I do. Thanks for listening to my self-pity!
AK Jeff - I'll PM you shortly!
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compound complex
Dear Exwit & LDB,
You've gotten such good advice! Especially the part on taking mini-vacations in town. I go for walks in different parts of the town I've inhabited for 30 years - you miss EVERYTHING when driving through [that is, if your eyes are on the road!]. Visit a different library, rent free movies, etc. I'm where you are financially and have to stay home the days I don't work as my daily carfare is about $10. Yet, I just got 4 jobs in the neighborhood, two of which I walk to.
I mentioned before in other threads that the examples of Ed Dunlap and Ray Franz gave me the courage to move ahead after divorce, bankruptcy, illness and leaving the Borg. Br. Dunlap went back to his job of 50 years earlier [before Bethel] - hanging wallpaper. Franz, approaching 60 years old, did property maintenance for his benefactor, Peter Gregerson.
I have had so many "surprises," for which I personally thank our heavenly Father: an elderly neighbor repaired my parked car for 20% of the garage fee, a small, but unexpected inheritence paid several months' back rent to a kind and patient landlord, a check for unclaimed funds from 40 years ago got me into a new place to the very dollar, the sale of a painting paid another month's rent [I'm better off in this regard than was poor Vincent!].
I wouldn't trade what I have for all the money of my rich but sad kith and kin. I grew up poor and I can die poor. Life is so good where you and I are now. You will find joy in your situation - you must! You've just gotten a workable solution from all your friends!Love,
CoCo
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aarque
I can relate. It's been a struggle on all levels for us, too. My husband is totally disabled, so I work two jobs (six days a week most of the time) to help make ends meet. My sweetie would give anything just to be able to work and he can't, ( in April 1971 at age 17 he was struck by an 18-wheeler and crushed from the hips down... underwent a 4th hip replacement in 2005 and has been in constant pain for years) In 2005 I was diagnosed with breast cancer and in 2006 had a second cancer. We are now still trying to dig our way out of the resulting financial problems from back then. We "go to the movies" every Saturday night (borrow DVDs from the library, make popcorn and turn out the lights) we cook together (amazing stuff can be done with a box of mac and cheese!) Somehow we manage to muddle through.
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golf2
Yes, you've eliminated one problem the org and it's demanding schedule. Commenting from experience, the world in general is no better, believe me. They are sucking us dry to the bone. Your plight is a common plight and it's discouraging. This system will eventually have two classes of people, the ultra rich and poor. The middle class is on it's way out.
One of the things I've learned in life is," to extract the positive out of negative experiences". The best.
Golf
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Scully
We don't take a lot of holidays either. When our kids were small, it was not affordable, and in some ways, it's still a luxury. Our time off work has been devoted to doing work around the house that needed doing, and going on day trips. There are tons of neat places to visit that aren't expensive (or are free).
One thing we did when the kids were small was to invest in memberships at the local kid-friendly museums. A few of them were affiliated, so one membership fee covered three or four different venues. You could visit as often as you wanted and it didn't cost more than $35 a year total. They often have various themes depending on the new exhibits they bring in or the season.
If you have wooded areas with bike paths or walking trails, pack a picnic lunch and go for a hike or bike ride as a family. Bring a frisbee along and toss it around before you head back on the trail.
If you're near a lake you can get a fishing permit very inexpensively. Dad and son can fish, mom can fish if she's inclined or take a nice book and read under a shady tree.
Sometimes it's a matter of making the time, rather than finding the time. We used to set aside Sundays as our "family day" and we didn't allow other things to interfere with "family day", we planned around it. At first it was awkward, but we found ways to make the day special. Allowing yourself to sleep in until 8:30 am (which is a luxury if you're accustomed to getting up at 6:30 am), making a special Sunday family breakfast and then talking about your planned activity for the day - getting excited about it - getting ready and going out - planning to play board games or cards after supper - all of it becomes part of the family ritual.
We used to say that we take a vacation once a week!