LDH - At least you were reinstated in 4 months - I took a year and a half and missed only a few meetings due to the pregnancy. I even went to the hall when she was a week old.
Hey There ! All You Disfellowshipped Ones!
by Englishman 31 Replies latest jw friends
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Englishman
I might as well stick in my four pennyworth here. Although I have been Df'd for many years, I once came close a few years prior to that. I'd been loving my neighbour a little too well!
But, I was put on probation for a year with all priveleges suspended. No pioneering, talks, prayers, never to be with a female alone etc etc. The week that I was released from probation, I was given a public talk assignment. It was a nightmare, all my confidence was gone. The years probation had so effectively robbed me of my self-esteem that I felt like a second-class citizen, I just could not perform like I used to be able to. There was never any pleasure in anything to do with the witnesses after that, my parents thought it was because I wasn't repentant enough, but inside I knew that I had been psychologically damaged, and that was just by a probation order.
A few years later, when I got myself DF'd deliberately so that I could be left alone, I vowed that no JW would ever have the pleasure of shunning me. I still never approach them, not even eye contact, now I find that they seek me out, usually quite cautiously at first. I just mention 1975 and how my parents sold everything, most of them can't argue with that because they knew my parents.
My advice to any ex-dub is to guard your heart and your psyche from active JW's, if they want to talk to you make them work for it, don't be too available and don't trust them an inch for a long, long time.
Englishman.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be....
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individuals wife
Garybuss - nice to have you posting here - I really enjoyed reading your first post, it was so accurate. I especially appreciated the grief cycle that you described - currently I am inbetween the anger and sadness components, I hope one day to be able to move on into acceptance but for the moment it is very hard to. Still too many painful memories and lost friendships. I also find that I am very frustrated, I have seen through the societys lies and deceptions - why can't everyone else?! I know it is unreasonable to expect that but it is still frustrating all the same. For that reason I can fully understand your comment that 'conflict with a closed hierarchy system results in frustration'.
All criticism is seen as anger. All critics are seen as the enemy.
How true those statements are. So I am seen as the enemy now and for that I am shunned. They can keep their 'capsule', I want no part of it.Welcome to you, I look forward to reading more of your excellent posts.
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tyydyy
I've never been disfellowshipped. I have been OUT for about 1 1/2 yrs now. The only feelings I have for the Jws have to do with the loss of association I have with JW family members. I do miss the relationship I once had. I hope someday that they come to their senses but I do not have any hatred for the Society. Do I think that they are wrong and that they are a cult? Yes! Would I warn someone considering becoming a JW? I already have.
I look forward to some big mistake by the society which allows the escape of millions.
Keeping my fingers crossed.
TimB
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sweetone2377
I was df'd at one time, but 5 months later was reinstated. I am now DA'd. I could not see being a part of a religion who allowed those in "power" to manipulate others' lives, to physically and emotionally abuse them (yes I'm a survivor, no longer a victum). Yes I still hold a grudge against the WTS, not JWs in general. Only the few who treated me so terribly. But that is something that all of us have to work through. It takes longer for some than it does for others. But I am feeling much better, just during the last few weeks of being here on the boards. At times I feel it drags me down, but for the most part it enlightenes me and gives me a chance to vent about my past (something I've never been able to do before).
And if I could get one person to leave, I would love it. But they would have to leave on their accord with very little involvement of me for me to have the truest satsifaction.
"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled." ~ Matt. 5:6
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gumby
ENGLISHMAN:
Is your anger with the JW religion due mainly to the fact that you have been DF'd? My reason(s) for being angered at the wts is many.
They are false in their claims of being the truth and all others are doomed.
They controll the lives of millions by insistance in belief that God has given a few within, to dictate to all of the others, what is correct in God's mind as to HOW we believe.
They have cost the lives of thousands with wrong teaching's in the medical feild...Blood policy and changes, organ transplants, vaccinations, as being forbidden and has now been approved.
Quote: Is it possible that persons who post here who are not disfellowshipped can feel as angry as those who are being shunned and who are therefore being effectively gagged?
I think a different TYPE of anger can be felt towards the witnesses from ones who are affected by them who are not witnesses themselves.
A non witness mate for example, could have anger at his or her mate who IS a witness, because their life with the witness is greatly affected by the things the witness must or must not do which the non witness mate opposes.
Quote: Is the DF'ing policy of the WTBTS the main reason that ex-JW's seem to go all out to get other witnesses out of the org? Would you try to get someone to leave if you had the opportunity
No, it is not the main reason for most , in my opinion. It is for the reasons already mentioned.
Yes I would encourage anyone I could NOT to get involved.That's human kindness and concern.
Quote: If you had been allowed to quietly cease associating without penalty, how would you then feel then about the JW faith?
I would still have all the reasons I mentioned , not to approve of them . I think my anger could be much less, as being shunned is very painful emotionaly and results in anger ......especially when you realize they are NOT the truth ,and not God's only people. I think if your case is the latter, the anger is a different type. -
SEAKEN2001
Angry? Absolutely!
But mostly dissapointed. It has always been hard for me to accept that some people just cannot think? When I found out I was fooled and that my own thinking ability was being controlled I was very disappointed. I have since been very understanding of cult members and society in general. We are all easily fooled and those of us who are eager to trust are more likely to be abused. I believe that we are all suceptibile to mind-control in every sector of society. It is up to us to be skeptical and think objectively. So I have mixed emotions all the time. Sometimes I am very angry at the JW's because of the control the weild over my family and other families. Other times I am deeply saddened that many JW's just cannot break through the fear and will likely forever look to the WTS for their answers. Sometimes I am delighted that I had that experience and think that I may be able to someday articulate that experience in ways that can help others seeking to free themselves from cult mind-control.
I don't know if I have accepted anything. At this point I question everything and do precious little "deciding" about so-called "spiritual" matters. If it were not for my wife's continued devotion to the Society I would likley not seek any further association with the group called Jehovah's Witnesses. I prefer to associate with those who are more reasonable in their approach to life and knowledgable about local and non-local events that may shape our future. I am currently prevented by my own fear of losing my wife from pursuing my own interests in the socio-political arena. That makes me impatient and a little depressed.
So, yes, lots of emotions, one being anger. But also trying to be optimistic and patient and content. My life could be a lot worse and I am still mostly pleased with my own life path. I would like to help those who have not been so lucky. I am just trying to figure out how.
Mulan's comment above is very close to me. Sharon was my mother. The WTS treated her badly and those who claimed to be her brothers and sisters proved they were liars. That makes me sad. But I see through the actions and understand that it is the fear in these people that makes them act that way. it is my hope that they will eventually feel guilty enough to question their acts and begin to break through the fear. I will help any who might eventually get to that point. I don't hold any particular anger toward any of the JW's for what happened to my Mom. I am angry and have shown my anger but I have not directed it against any individuals. This same type of crap goes on in many different societies and religions. We are victims. I see no personal benefit in lashing out at the individuals involved, such as my Grandma and Uncle, or the so-called elders. But I will not excuse them either. They are guilty of horrible acts of unkindness right along with the WTS and countless other representatives of that destructive cult.
Maybe you will suggest I am in the sadness stage. Whatever. I tend to believe there is some merit in trying to seperate the process of recovery into various steps. But I don't think we can clearly place anyone into any particular "stage" or classification. I see myself as exhibiting symptoms of all the stages at any time. I think I will carry the whole experience with me all my days whether I accept it or not.
Sean
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Mulan
Great post, Sean. Glad you saw this one.
Love you!!Marilyn (a.k.a. Mulan)
"Those who know, don't say, and those who say, don't know." -
Gopher
This is one of the best threads. What great comments, all!
I too am DF'd since May 2000, don't feel like commenting on the dubious merits of the case, just glad that it opened my eyes to the nature of the beast I'd been cooperating with for 39 years since I was born.
I don't ever want to return, even though pressure from relatives "still in" makes the heart lean that way, if only for a minute. The fight is hard, but the right choice is for freedom.
I've been told I'm angry or bitter for sticking to my decision not to re-associate with JW's. Really, now! I have never been happier. I don't even hold my committee very responsible, they were just following a script provided for them by the organization.
This thread PROVES that those who say exJW's are bitter Witness-haters are not telling the truth! Welcome to the board Garybuss and Tyydyy, what wonderful posts...Factual, not harsh - and yet so damning of the way the organization (which we all had trusted to guide us into paradise) actually fails its people.
GopherWhy shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense.
Mark Twain (1835-1910) -
Had Enough
Hello Englishman:
This topic goes hand in hand with mine in a way, on "why did you want to be reinstated?" as it shows clearly the effects this heartless, vile practice has on people and their families.
You asked very good questions:
Is your anger with the JW religion due mainly to the fact that you have been DF'd?
I was df'd several years ago even though I too was repentant, suffered through the humiliation to be reinstated all the while fearing that my ill father was going to die before I could spend some time with him. So yes, my anger, in the beginning of my path to inactivity, has a lot to do with the df'ing policies and the lack of consistency with the judgements of elders. It also has to do with the effect the shunning enforcement has on the df'd one and the family.
I'm not shunned now, but my da'd son is, by the rest of our family and it tears me apart practically on a daily basis to see the effect that has on my daughter who follows the WTS belief that it should cause him to "see the error of his ways" and also, to see my son suffer the humiliation of the extent the family will go to, to avoid being where he is, at some family event.
Is it possible that persons who post here who are not disfellowshipped can feel as angry as those who are being shunned and who are therefore being effectively gagged?
Yes again. My anger since my inactivity has grown to a point I never knew could exist in me, as a result of finding out all the hypocrisies and falsehoods the WTS has forced onto the r&f through the old guilt trip routine of "We have God's spirit. The spirit says this and that. You are spiritually weak if you doubt it."
Everytime I think I've heard it all, I get hit in the gut with another load of stupidity coming from their pompous, self-righteous mouths. I want to scream from the rooftops about all the injustices and the senseless, needless hurt the WTS is guilty of, and even though I'm not df'd and therefore effectively gagged, I might as well be gagged, since to open my mouth against the WTS would cause my family to enlist the "aid of the elders to help me see the light". We all know where that help would lead....right out the door.
To those that know me personally, know I usually have a happy, sunny disposition, but the WTS causes an inner, dark anger in me that I have to work hard on to keep at bay.
Is the DF'ing policy of the WTBTS the main reason that ex-JW's seem to go all out to get other witnesses out of the org? Would you try to get someone to leave if you had the opportunity?
I don't know if the df'ing policy is the main reason, but its right up there. I want my family out from under the thumb of control of the WTS!!!I don't want to see any of them or anyone else die from their stupid enforcement of the blood policy over some totally erroneous interpretation of a scripture, or another abused child's life ruined because of an organization's obsession with their image.
I don't want to see my family or anyone else waste their time and heart on a pack of empty promises like I did. But if I say anything....I'm the one that is considered wrong. I already have had good success, along with the help of another friend, to enlighten a couple of other dear friends and yes I will continue to look for an opportunity to try to open the eyes of my family and others.
If you had been allowed to quietly cease associating without penalty, how would you then feel then about the JW faith?
I would still be angry at the control the WTS has on people's lives through the rest of their rules and regulations that can be harmful in a person's choices on lifestyles and health. It's too hard to keep quiet when a few men running an organization have that much control without having any accountability for their claims, but I'm not on an obsessive vendetta. Rather, I'm guided by a deep desire to present only facts as my proof of the ills of the WTS.