Whenever me and my Mom would have our weekly study, it seemed like we would have the BEST conversations. That's when I felt closest to her and felt like both our minds and hearts were open and loving and receptive. Now....(She's still a JW-I'm not), whenever we talk, since it's never about spiritual stuff anymore (since I don't believe it), it's always about shallow stuff-I feel so shallow. Was the depth I felt when we had our weekly study evidence of divine inspiration? I'm confused-now that I'm not a JW, I feel so much more distant and I felt like we had God's blessing, and now I feel like a fleshly person-just living in the day-to-day-. (By the way, she's not treating me any different than she did before-it's just...different b/c we dont' share that same bond anymore).
I used to have the best conversations with my Mom when I was a dub-not now
by themonster123 11 Replies latest jw friends
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Perry
I hear you. I feel the same way.
She loves you and is just doing what she believes is best, even if it is the opposite of what is best. It's not her fault, don't blame her.
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Tyrone van leyen
I've noticed this too in my life. There are many things to talk about in life. Relationships, phychology, lifes trials and many peices of advice you would expect an older person especially your mom to be able to dispense.
I think one must realize that it was them that were shallow all along, and that this is the lens through which they see the world. They can't talk about life expereince and give advice on things they were never allowed to experience. They even frown upon phychology. Your world has expanded and theirs remains the same, because the source is corrupt. They choose to be this way. Very pitiful indeed!
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serendipity
I think that JWs have religious conversations, not sure they are all that spiritual.... Please think about what spirituality means to you, and perhaps you can approach the topic in a way that can be meaningful for both your mother and you without discussing doctrines.
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Crumpet
Unfortunately as a JW your mother has less wisdom than the average person to dispense and is always going to be constrained by what the Party Line is with the borg. You couldnt for instance have a heart to heart about anything that goes against what the Borg preach as correcty behaviour. This in itself is very limiting.
My parents used to switch the tv off at the slightest blasphemy or potrayal of a worldly practise. if they were to talk to me now they'd switch me off before the first commercial break because I am irrespressible and I wont be told what is and what isn't appropriate to talk about.
Its nothing to do with god's blessing. You have just been raised to believe in God's spirit being there when two or more are gathered. What is really the case is that you were told and programmed over and over that God's spirit was there - you shared the belief and therefore a bond. You also felt good because you were doing what you had been told was right.
I used to think that I felt god's spirit when I did something good etc or when I felt moved by nature. But hey I still feel good when I do something kind for someone else and i still feel at one with nature at times. And yet I am a daily sinner by dub standards. Thats how I know that the whole gods spirit thing is a bunch of baloney.
You will find great warm connections with other human beings when you open up and find a common bond. Nothing will be the same as your mother - she is your mother! But you will and can get a similar sense of peace with other human beings from time to time. I call it the Kindred Spirit factor. I find one every couple of years. Its sweet! ;-)
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Dismembered
You know the Bible bunk they use to defend that. What sharing does light have with darkness. As far as she's concerned your bulb needs replacing.
Dismembered
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Abaddon
People who are into selling Amway can have the most amasing discussions about all the opportunities Amway offers, and feel like they are part of something special.
This does not mean Amway is anything special or offers great opportunities.
You are evamuating what you have lost using the old set of values you were programmed with.
What you have lost ('talking about the Kingdom' is maybe a good general term) WAS seen by you as the most important thing, of huge value.
Of course, it wasn't, not really, you had just been programmed to see it that way.
Now you don't 'talk about the Kingdom', rather than seeing it as no longer discussing an entirely fabricated and fanciful belief structure, you still attach the old values you've been trained to attach to 'talking about the Kingdom'.
Your programming makes you feel like you have lost something but the something you have lost does not have the value that you were trained it has so in fact you have not lost something.
Don't worry, this feeling will fade, you just have to try and build a normal mother-daughter relationship where one's performance as a seller of literature and repeater of doctrine is not used to guage your self-worth or value to others.
You have gained something.
Your life.
All the best
Gyles
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bernadette
themonster123
That's when I felt closest to her and felt like both our minds and hearts were open and loving and receptive.
that's a lovely comment.
I found myself in a similar situation with my husband and son, when I first left, very superficial and disconnected from them.
My way round it is to silently engage with my heart when I am with them - doesn't matter what we are talking about - It helps me to take in all the things that I love about them and achieve a similar sense of connection that I had when I was a witness. Have come to see that the words or beliefs have changed but they are not important anymore, but being with them is.
bernadette
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joannadandy
Give it time - it's a good sign that she is not treating you differently.
I don't know your full story but I am guessing you haven't been a non-witness very long. At first conversations are going to be strained. Neither of you want to hurt the others feelings - or step on any toes. Eventually you will be able to feel out where that line is. Your conversations may change, but they can still be as deep and meaningful as you want them to be. Being "fleshly" does not, to me anyway, equate "shallow".
I am guessing you feel distant because the one thing you had in common was the "truth". Really - you just need to find something else you can share.
Personally I was never close to my mother growing up. I felt like we were strangers to each other who would just never understand each other. It's actually after I've left, and become my own person that I better understand her and her motives. We're closer now than we ever were.
My point being, if you two were close before - and want to be again - you will be able to with some time, effort, and good communication. I have no worries that you'll eventually figure it out. You both sound like you want to keep your bond going - you're just struggling right now to re-define your relationship, and that's ok. You'll figure it out. Heck if my mom and I figured it out - you will too.
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JWdaughter
I think the problem is that EVERYTHING can come back to a philosophy of life-and JWs can't really discuss anything in that way without their fallback-religion. Anything that would challenge their religious ideas is off the table. There goes deep(or even shallow) discussion about war, politics, literature, science, eugenics, health, vacations, movies, jobs---so many things will challenge their world view and knowing that YOU already challenge her world view will keep your mom or any JW from having any discussion with you beyond the ingredients for a recipe. Seriously. Their vacation, health, literature choices are dictated by their religion. Their views on science/politics/war are told to them in a bimonthly magazine. What's to 'discuss'?