What is the most frustrating time is the period between being a card carrying JW to the time that they finally embrace the title of ex-JW. I'm referring to the time period when the person has faded yet still blindly adheres to the nonsensicle notions drummed into their head by their exposure to the WTS.
The fading mate would say stuff like
"Well I still believe their teachings, just not the organization"
or "God will straighten it out in time"
or "Even if there is only a 5% chance, what if they are right?"
Where it becames really bad is when it effects the kids. When the fading mate objects to having the kids play sports, or doesn't want to celebrate Xmas because her mother may see the Xmas tree. So essentially your mate is a fader, who still thinks and lives in fear, like a JW. So in essence your family is still affected by the cult. You may press on and get your way, yet it comes with an unneccessarily high price for the whole family.
Minimus, I think that this in between state that I'm referring to as the fade can last a month for some people and twenty years for others. In my wife's case it was 30 years of limbo. I say that because until her mother shunned her, she lived a double life. When her mother shunned her, she nearly fell apart. She found JWD and was glued to it 18 hours a day, wine glass in hand for a good month. The rest of us went on with our business. I was furious that her mother had shunned her and for a while we had that in common. Eventually she just became a JWD groupie. What changed was that eventually she started talking about what was on JWD. OK she was getting better. I admit to a bit of resentment in terms of thinking "Why the hell couldn't you see this 20 years ago, but that quickly passed." Then when it was obvious that she was going to stay a JWD groupie, I had to make a decision to either support that, feign interest or ignore it. I decided to support it.
At this point, having an ex-JW JWD groupie far out weighs having a fader. The cobwebs have been shaken. She pulls me into JWD about once every two months, by loudly proclaiming that someone on the board is treating her unfairly. As you know by now. Restrangled is not shy about giving her opinion on most any subject. So I get dragged into the middle of a thread on pornography only to find that all her facts and figures aren't quite right. Then I look a little further to find that my openminded wife in real life reads like Jerry Fallwell. I scan up and down the porn thread to find the poster that can take a good hit. But after calling Abaddon out, I realize that he carries some important wisdom. It is the wisdom that will speed up the process between being a fader and ex-JW. Support your opinion with facts. Why is this important? Because the cobwebs that you may not realize are still there from the JW days are only going to be cleaned by really, really testing your assumptions and statements... about everything.
People like Abaddon are the drill sergeants of JWD. Opinionated, relentless, but with a good message "Keep thinking and backing up your statements with facts."
My long winded message is that the fade portion hurts everyone, the fader and those around them. How long they stay a fader is up to them, but its not just about them, it affects everyone around them
r's hubby's last post for a while