How do I respond and not lose my cool?

Rayvin

My 8 yr old daughter visits her bio-dad and step-mom every other weekend. We haven't already noticed that she tends to play both sides by not giving full or correct information to us. Anyway.. my daughter comes back on sunday night and tells me how she read a book about taking care of her body and that she needs to take a bath every night instead of every other night unless excessive activity then every night. So i inquired about the book she read and she tells me that her step-mom got her this book 'the care and keeping of you a guide for girls'. She says that they got the book for her a long time ago but recently she was told to read it. I buy the book so that I can find out what she is learning about it. It shows breasts, pubic hair, the vaginal area and how to insert tampons. I have no problem with the book and my daughter learning about this. I do however have a problem that I was not made aware that they had given her a book like this. I have sat with her almost every night going over the whole book with her and discussing it along the way. It was a great bonding experience. I messaged her bio-dad and left a message that I have no problem with the book but I do need to be made aware of big things like this. He e-mails me today and it has me quite perplexed as how to respond. I hate confrontation and just reading the message made me shake.(literally).

The following was sent by bio-dad to me---

""Regarding your message about the book, where you said that "you think you should know what book it is in case you have to answer any questions"; first off, V has had the book for more than a year and this is the second time she's going through it. Second, it's just like any other book about girl's bodies changing and what to expect, so, if as a woman, you're not able to answer her questions, I'd encourage you to get one for your house too. They're pretty much all the same. Finally, I'm within my parental rights to provide any material I see fit to aid in her personal development, and I am not obliged to check with you first, so I hope that's not what this is about. If something comes up and V has a question regarding what she should be doing at our house as opposed to your house or simply has a question on any book we provide her, then please ask her to write down the question, or email it, and we'll discuss it with her when she comes for the weekend.

Second, I understand you're reading Eragon to her? She loved that movie, and began reading the book on her own the very same day (step-son had already read it). I only mention this because she was apparently too afraid to tell you that she was already reading it, but she is continuing to do so here anyway. I figured you'd want to know that she wants and is able to read that level of book on her own. ""

--- Does he really think that I don't know that she can read on her own????? -----

""Finally, we've been taking V to get her haircut. She likes C, my brother-in-law's mom, who is an experienced hair dresser and works at a very nice salon. V has expressed that she prefers to have C cut her hair. C is great with kids, plus V does see her at family functions. Anyway, it was upsetting to find out she was taken for a hair cut even though her hair was cut during the winterbreak. I'm not sure why she didn't tell you, but I'm guessing she didn't want you to get mad or sad. The person that cut her hair did not do a very good job and messed up the look Vwas trying to achieve. I know how hard it is to find a good hair dresser and I don't mind paying for it. I do think it should be V's decision, but we did explain to her that if you are going to continue taking her to get her hair cut we would stop taking her to C. There's no point in both of us paying for a hair cut. Just let me know whether you'll be taking her from this point on. ""

--- I had only gotten a trim of the ends, how is that messing up her look>?---

--Is he blackmailing her??---

Anyway.. I am going to talk to my daughter about this and hopefully get some feedback from all of you about this before I call him up and talk to him about this.

Please help me out... I can never find the perfect words to say.

Rayvin

mrsjones5

My daughter has that same book. I like it. I probably would have said nothing about the book unless the ex asked about it. I do monitor every book that my daughter brings in the house so I would have done just like you did and went over the book. Right now it just looks like a battle about who's the better parent, a fight not worth waging in front of the child. So I would just let it go.

The hair thing: I don't know what to say about that other than is this another battle worth waging?

Josie

LittleToe

I find that the best form of defense is offense, especially if carried off in an self-depreciating manner.

You might tell him that you found it difficult explaining to her that some men have circumcised peepees, and other's don't, but you think you managed a reasonable job of it. If he feels like elaborating he should feel free...

Rayvin

lol- littletoe.. that would be fun to see.

It is interesting that about a year ago my daughter asked about how she came to be and in no details I just explained basically that part of him and part of me came together and made her and yada yada yada. I felt obligated to tell him what we discussed so that if when she was over there she said something about it he would know where it was coming from. Am I wrong to expect the same respect?

And okay.. i get the war worth waging .. but how do i respond w/out waging war?

hamsterbait

Is there a similar book for boys? I wish there had been when I was a kid, as our house was so puritanical.

The visitors (mostly women) silently mouthed any "sexy" words if I was in the room. (eg period, fornication, illegitimate - this was the days before Bethel sent researchers into brothels and onto the internet 'member).

I remember when I started "burgeoning" as they called it. I thought I had some malignant disease. And as for body hair. All that I ever saw the adults (all women) doing was plucking out eyebrows shaving legs, depilating armpits.

I thought something very dirty was happening. Nocturnal emissions?! Don't go there...

I don't think that people realize how technically ignorant a lot of kids can be, even after a clinical lesson in biology.

Rayvin, your little girls father loves her every bit as much as you do. I think you need to talk to him ( even if it is very difficult) to ensure that you both know what the other is planning when she comes to stay. That way, your daughter doesn't end up feeling she has to play "secrets" when she visits the other parent. It created such ****** hell for me at that age. I used to be ( physically sometimes) sick at night worrying about how I would either hide or explain something away the other parent didn't agree with.

I don't understand why she would not want to tell you she was reading Eragon on her own. My personal feeling is that she prolly loved the closeness of being with her mother reading it together, and didn't want to spoil that. Find another book you can read together!

I wish my parents had realized sooner it was their kids that should have dictated their actions, even if they disagreed.

HB

LittleT - I hope you mean the explaining, not circumcising his peepee!!!

mrsjones5

yep, I agree with Hamster.

Rayvin

Well, I left a message on his phone :

"I wanted to respond to your e-mail but only to one part since really the rest of the e-mail isn't worth responding to. ((**I know.. a jab**))Regarding the book she is reading I am not saying you need to ask permission but since raising V is a team effort I feel its just common deciency and a nicety to inform me when sensitive and major information like this book has is given to her. Just like you would want me to let you know if I got her a book that discussed sex and birth control we should just be good parents and keep each other informed. Thats all really. See you Friday. Bye."

Ya know..even though I know the stuff he is jabbing at me isn't true.. it still hurts.. i am very emotional and its hard to stop. Its something I will keep working on. I just don't know how you can't take it personal. And then defend your honour.

Rayvin

hamsterbait

Rayvin -

I get the impression that there is a lot of poison working between you and your ex man.

His emails you quote are so condescending that it seems he has as much of a problem with you, as you do with him.

You both loved each other so much (once) that you created a beautiful little girl. You have to help her keep getting more lovely, so one day she can be happy without either of you.

I think ( at least I did - ALCOHOLIC) the hurt over powers the love.

My parents, many years later, admitted they still loved each other, but couldn't be together because they hurt each other too much.

i think you still love each other but the hurt makes you resent each other still. Of course when yuo have moved on a new partner makes things more complicated. Just remember, he loves your daughter as much as you do. For men that is as much of a biological fact.

HB

Rayvin

HB- here is a few major differences. I may have a problem with him too but i do not send steaming full of condecending comment e-mails. Also..there is no love. He was a drunken rebound screw for 4 days then i just quit going to his house. The seemingly hatred feelings he has for me is because i found him and he has to pay child support and his only recourse is to in turn for what i did to him he will be condecending to me and try to show me as a bad parent.

Abandoned

I think what Hamserbait said is very sound advice and I would make one addition.

I'll start by saying I don't have kids so this isn't parenting advice, but as an adult who has to deal with people who are difficult or who don't like me for one reason or another; sometimes you have to think about whether a battle is worth it. Are you ever going to make your ex respect and like you? Is that even your goal? If you both love your daughter, if you have to hold something in when you'd like to tell him to go fly a kite, think about the reason you have to deal with this man in the first place and ask yourself what's in her best interest.

How do I respond and not lose my cool?

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