talked to my parents last nite...

zanex

in the vain hope that maybe...just MAYBE things would be better...or at least somewhat improved...I was wrong. I was told about the al gore dvd that talks about how bad the world is and when I tried to say I didnt want to think about how bad the world is and rather think of ways to improve it they showed me a book about "how to deal with emotions" or something like that...I kind of tuned out right about then.

I talked about my job and my dad said, "see! It is a good thing we taught you sign language!" nothing good...nothing like "good job son" or anything like that...it was all about HIM takng credit for what I have done. They may have given me the language but the drive and the sheer work that I have put into making a good, reputable career has NOTHING to do with them. I put it all together with my own blood, sweat and curse words. I told him and my mom that exact thing and its amazing...when they think I am wrong they have plenty to "correct" me on but when I am right they get very, VERY quiet. No validation, no encouragement...nothing.

I guess my sister moved back in the house too...something that makes me wonder if something ir wrong that nobody is telling me. She had a very promising career back east and I find it VERY hard to believe that she just picked up and moved back in with my parents. She doesnt even validate that they are my parents as well...she says stuff like "my dad" or "my mom" like I just sprouted out of the ground without any of those parental figures in my life. I dunno....i guess I shud really just stop trying...even the once a year or so calls...I feel like the guy without a past sometimes...whatevah...

-Z-

AudeSapere

Sorry, Zan...

I don't remember the background to your story but I sure feel you pain. It's tough when you feel like an outsider with your own family.

-Aude.

zanex

thanx...the past to my story is a long one...but id imagine it isnt that much different than any others' here...jw family...df'd son. The rest is sort of fill in the blanks...

JWdaughter

I am a mom, and a sister, and a daughter. I sometimes do the 'my mom, my dad' thing when talking to my siblings-not to negate them, but because my issues with my mom (and deceased dad) are SO my own now. Or my family's issues. Or I am speaking to them(my siblings as friends and the sibling thing just goes out the window. Don't know if that is happening there or not, but thought I would share it with you. I love my sister and brother dearly.

As a parent, sometimes we are so proud of our kids, and so in awe that we produced them, and so grateful that we had anything to do with something as wonderful as our children, that we put our foots in it and say all the wrong things, not intending ANYTHING by it. Just our selfish, insecure response to their wonderfulness. My mom thinks parents shouldn't even claim to be proud of their kids, cause it is like claiming their success as your own. Which it isn't (in my head). . .I am just so proud, I want to ride their coat-tails, you know?

I don't know your story and I know that what is innocuous in one family can be quite a different and toxic thing in another. Context matters. I don't negate your feelings, as I can tell there is a lot of pain there. I hope you all can find a way to love each other w/o hurting each other.

Take care,

Shelly

evetteto

jw....well said!! If you listen to hispanic siblings spk to 1 another its always "my mom" or "my dad", always my,my,my, I do the exact same thing with my sisters and brothers and there are 7 of us...and yes parents sometimesdont know how to express themselves especially to their children...I never heard my mom tall me I was a good girl til I asked her to buy me a car 46yrs later...actually I needed her credit. however it doesnt take away the need to hear it expressed to us...and I too felt I needed to hear it ...It wasnt until on her death bed that I truly realized that her loved was expressed thru her giving of herself. you see she had 7 children by the time she was 25 y.o and she worked hard for her children, we never went without. She purchased a 4 bdrm house in Watts, Calif...We never knew we were poor or that we lived in the ghetto., because we always had...and the best of everything!!!!!!!!! So just look for the kind words that are expressed ...and I dont know the story either, but you hang in there and I definitely will be praying for you...hope all is well with yr sis.

evette

OnTheWayOut

Sorry to hear about your difficulties.
If I understand correctly, you are the DF'ed son and they are all
active JW's. Keep active outside the family, as they will be coming
to you one day to bail them out. Even though Dad thinks HE did everything
for you, he will need your help in his senior years. Show him you are there for him, then.

becca1

I'm sorry you are having a rough time. For what it's worth, my parents don't validate my achievements either. My dad in particular. He's an egomaniac nd sees everything as "about him". How everything reflects on him is his main concern in life. It's tough to live with, but just remember. It's not your fault. It's natural to want validation from our parents, but if you don't get it does not mean you don't desrve it.

Hang in there...

serendipity

HI Zanex,
I can feel your pain. Have you told them you'd like them to celebrate your successes with you?

Did your parents praise, affirm or validate you while growing up? If not, it's unlikely they're going to do it now. Even if they did, JWs downplay 'worldly' accomplishments because it doesn't matter if you aren't "progressing spiritually". My JW relatives used to say stuff like "well, he's doing well in this system, but if he doesn't come back to the truth...."

My parents didn't praise me while growing up. Well, mom would say, when looking at my report cards, "oh, all A's. You get your intelligence from my side of the family."

She wasn't proud that I graduated magna cum laude from college. She wasn't proud of my professional successes. And when I mentioned to her that I hit an income milestone, she said "Well, I've done pretty well too in my career." (I'm not df'd.) This is more common than you may realize.

If you look to others for validation, you'll be disappointed. I'm still working on overcoming the need of validation from others.

unique1

I'm Sorry to hear that. I wish you better for the future.

Bstndance

Sounds tough. It always sucks when you don't get any commendation for your accomplishments and success. However, you have to remember that you're doing all of this for you and not to please or impress them. You're the one who benefits from your own success. Good luck with everything!

talked to my parents last nite...

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