I am a 4th generation Witness (on both sides of the family) and indeed my entire family (save for the few who "fall away" in every family) are Jehovah's Witnesses. My dad is an Elder, my mom a regular pioneer and my two elder sisters the same. My younger sister is 17 and still unbaptized, so therefore she is sort of a "black sheep" in our family and "spiritually weak" for not having already "taken the dip in the pool" (however, due to her overall open-minded nature, I am perhaps closest to her). I was baptized at the age of 12, and the "spiritual" expectations for me have always been considerably high: I had to be an elder like my father. I was always a very "theocratic" child, I never associated with the bad elements at the Kingdom Hall (though paradoxically I always had a stable of "worldly" friends, people I felt extremely comfortable around, probably because their friendships are based on mutual appreciation for each other as opposed to loyalty to a religion), I was a regular publisher logging in above the national average in hours (because we all know God hates token service) passing around the microphone at meetings, giving sagacious talks, being part of the in crowd of good kids, and having the undying admiration of the adult witnesses as no doubt I was a shining example of what a young witness should be. I even had a part on a demonstration on a circuit assembly and my father and I had a part on a district convention drama. However, most importantly to me I truly wanted to do what I thought Jehovah wanted me to do. I wasn't one of those kids who only went because the parents forced you to, I truly enjoyed going to meeting, and yes, I actually paid attention (at least most of the time). Today my parents often point to the "zeal" I had when I was younger (I'm the ripe old age of 19), and they often comment about how much more mature I was back then than I was now (like at 12 years old I truly understand the gravity of my belief system). Indeed I went from being a sure fire future elder to now being an irregular publisher. But what could have lead me to my present path?
I guess my major "problem" has always been my inquisitive mind. I am very skeptical by nature and I always need to see at least reasonable evidence of an argument¡¯s plausibility for me to truly accept it as fact. The main reason why in my early life I believed so greatly in The Society was because I never ask questions about it. It never even occurred to me that there was something terribly wrong with my perfect universe. I am an exceptionally bright person (from grade 1-8 I always had the highest average of any child in my class for every single term and the only reason I wasn't valedictorian of my junior high school was because I only attended that particular school for a year. I graduated 11th in a class of 401 from my high school and am now attending a top New York college) but I was ignorant to any errors in my religion. It's hard for me to pin point exactly when I started to "drift away from the truth" but it definitely started in high school.
Despite my dad being an elder and my mom a pioneer, my parents were always very liberal by Witness standards. As I mentioned earlier, I've always had worldly friends, but my parents have never objected to any of them as long as they weren't flat out dirty mouth atheist or anything. I guess they realized how stupid it is to assume all non-Witnesses are the Devil incarnate. My parents also have never opposed higher education. I cannot possibly think of a time in my life when I didn't see college in my plans, and I would always shake my head with silent consternation every time I heard other Witnesses disparage people who went to college. In fact, my dad is college educated and holds a bachelors degree in science (with several other post graduate certificates). Even my pioneer sisters hold associate degrees. So education and thinking was never something my parents found objectionable, I can even remember once watching a science program talking about evolution, and my dad didn't turn it away but watched it! I am certain this is the exception rather than the rule in most Witness homes. Eventually my questioning spirit lead me to think about my religion more lucidly, and once I did, the results changed my whole perception of life.
To say I never questioned my religion at all is probably not true. I always found it profoundly disturbing that God would kill over 99% of the earth simply because they did not worship him in a particular manner. I could never imagine many of my worldly friends, many of them more God fearing than certain Witnesses, dying at Armageddon because they went to a church instead of a Kingdom Hall. I knew for a fact good people went to church, and so what if they believed that they would go to heaven instead of a paradise earth, so what if they believed that the wicked would die in a firery hell instead of endure eternal soul sleep? Didn't their pious actions and overall life course merit reward by the all-loving Creator? If God has only had one unbroken chain of communication through the ages why was the Watchtower Society only founded in 1879 and not 36? After the apostle John died, who "spiritually feed" God's true congregation until C.T. Russell became God's anointed? Why aren't we allowed to read the polemical literature of "apostates"? If their words are so spurious, why should we be afraid, why didn't the society quote their lies directly in the publications and refute them so that all the nations could see the we were truly God's people? What possible reason could a Governing Body member have for leaving God's organization? Ray Franz was virtually at God's right hand and then left (my aunt knew him personally and she said she was extremely surprised at how someone like that could "turn away from Jehovah"), why would he do so for such an arbitrary reason as pride?
The older I got the more these and other questions began nawing in my mind. Something had to be done. I decided I would read the apostate literature to put my mind at ease. It seemed to be the most logical solution. My skeptical nature would not allow me to accept drivel if that was indeed all there was to it, and if indeed all that apostates published were lies then such an exercise would do wonders to assuage my mind of all the doubts I had about the organization. Of course once I read the literature all the faith I had in the organization crumbled quite precipitously. The books made all the points I had and more and gave Bible evidence that the society was wrong. I found Ray Franz's books and Jim Penton's history of Jehovah's Witnesses the most helpful (I am fortunate enough to live in New York where their are massive libraries where I could have borrowed books and done research without being caught. I was able to find a library that had old Watchtower volumes and literature that allowed me to cross reference the books I read just so I could be absolutely sure). It made such perfect sense that I couldn¡¯t believe I didn't see many of the things mentioned, and I was quite shocked at the pass errors and myths that had been promulgated as truth, but had been discarded before I was born and never mentioned. Oddly, I wasn't totally crushed, I had always thought of my relationship with God in terms of me and Him and not necessarily involving the organization for validation despite its important role. Though I had decided I wouldn't formally leave the organization, lest I incur the wrath of all but 4 members of my family, I started becoming more detached, less involved in it. I am more openly critical of the organization, and during family studies I flat out raise objections to points I disagree with. Such an attitude will test even the most liberal of Witness parents. My parents are still trying to draw me back "into the fold", thinking I'm just going through an adolescent phase of rebellion (I'm seeing a non Witness girl, which especially worries them because I guess they automatically assume we're having some illicit affair even though it's extremely tame and Christian), they try to guilt me into feeling I have failed Jehovah, them and the whole congregation. They tell me I'm still a good kid and that if I come back into Jehovah's fold now he'll still forgive me. As a child who has always tried to please his parents, such treatment by my parents is hard to bear (though thankfully overall they're still the loving people they've always been) but I know I must move on. My little sister is now getting "serious about the truth" and will be baptized at the next assembly, and even she is telling me I need to get "spiritual again". The truth is I don't know how I stand spiritually right now. After my research I resolved that I would read the entire bible to have a true understanding of God, but when I read it even more questions arouse in me, this time about the Bible itself! God of the Old Testament seemed to be so mean in contrast with the God of the Gospels. Isn't God unchanging? Did a flood circa 4500 years ago destroy the world? If Jesus performed miracles how come only his apostles were the ones who wrote about it? How much did Jesus really care about humans if as a reward he got to rule the earth for 1000 years? Wasn't he in it just for the pay off? Is the world's end going to be signified by peace or war? Apparently both. Why did God condone slavery? The antebellum colonialist weren't totally unjustified in quoting the bible to demand submission from their slaves. Myself being a black man, would that mean I would have to be submissive to a despotic master under penalty of divine judgment? Right now I'm still officially a Christian, but feeling through the questions. I definitely believe in a Creator, and hopefully He will guide me through his time. I may not have all the right answers to life's questions, but at least I no longer live by wrong answers.
Any comments?