This is were I was years ago. I wrote the below as a reminder and as a way for my kids in the future to understand their dad emotional pain leaving the BORG. If I ever am going to write a Book of my life this latter of pain will definitely be in it.
Speaking for someone raised as a Jehovah's Witness and at one time a very devout believer willing to die and even worse I would have even allowed my own children to die for the most sacred of all of Jehovah's Witnesses teachings, the 'law on blood', this is just one of many sacred laws that Jehovah's Witness adhere too. They do not allow a blood transfusion for themselves or anyone else in his immediate family under his charge.
When I was faced with a choice remain faithful or allow my baby girl to die for this sacred law, my choice was, remain faithful and let her die. The state of Washington took legal action against me. But as things turned out she did not need the transfusion and is healthy and happy today. But leave no doubt about it I would have let her die, if that had been my test. I knew God had the power to give all that I sacrificed back too me in the resurrection.
This is the same type of thinking that has filled the earth with terrorists willing to do anything for their Gods. I understand them perfectly. I was faithful to a fault. It is unimaginable, this type of thinking to the ordinary person, the power that the Jehovah's Witnesses Organization has over it's members. Everything in a believer's life is programmed by the Society teachings. Easier it would be cutting off ones arms and legs than go against one of the core teachings. At least if he cut off his arms and legs his family and friends would be there for him, giving him understanding and comfort.
Unimaginable emotional pressure from family, friends, and even ones own mind grips a Witness like pangs of a pregnant woman when he first starts doubting. His mind races, his heart pounds, his physical body hurts. He can't think of anything that could possibly be worse. He starts doubting his own sanity. The Society speaks for God and doubt the Organization is doubting God. The only thing left that could ease the pain is eternal death but even then he knows this would not erase the emotional pain. It would somehow manage to still be there. The only way to remove his doubt is prove to himself that he is wrong and the Society is correct. The opposite is unthinkable.
That's what I tried to do. The only way I could erase the emotional pain from my mind was study harder and prove my thinking was wrong. So I started to do the unthinkable, that is, study my doubts by using not only the Witness publications but also outside publications and the 'I' word: the Internet.
Desperately I tried finding something to hang onto, just one irrefutable fact to hold onto was all I asked, just one. When a member gets to this point he becomes paranoid like a character in the novel 1984. The "thought police" are watching. You can not trust anyone, not your wife, husband, not even your own kids. Especially no one in the congregation. When you talk too other Witnesses you watch every word you say trying not to slip up. Because if you are found out the Elder's will hunt you down like a rabid dog. This independent thinking can't be allowed. An example is what you'll become. The Elders will excommunicate you-- a fate that is equal to death. Your life, your friends, your family, will be gone the only course of action is move on without those you love, or lie and admit your thinking is wrong. You become a person without a face. No one's there, alone, where is my help, my comforter?
The mind control is overwhelming; it completely controls the inner self. To break away is equivalent to peeling one's flesh off with his bear hands. So desperately you guard your secret, you must hold it close or be found out. Facts cannot be ignored no more than one can raise a dead man. The only thing you have left is admit you have been mislead. It would have been easier finding out the earth was flat than believe the life saving spiritual blood that issues from the Society is wrong, worse, deliberately misleading.
I have read many stories of individuals that have left the Organization behind and their stories echo the same fear, the emotional pain, the guilt, that I have lived through. I have lived through the pain of loosing my brother.... He had a long life ahead of him. Then loosing his boy years later.... Then...my brother's daughter was killed. She was nine months pregnant when a drunk driver killed her. She was the last heir of my brother. My brother's wife hangs onto the resurrection hope so dearly seeing her grieve is agonizing. Oh lord help me!
As hard as all of this has been, loosing my brother and his kids is nothing close to the emotional pain that I have been through and am still going through since I have found out what the Society has done and is knowingly still doing. I have constant nightmares that leave me emotionally drained. I wake arguing with my older brother over facts that he admits are true, but he can't admit too himself. If he thinks the facts are wrong why does he not love me enough to prove too me the facts are wrong? I am dead in his eyes. We have not spoken in years. This brother of mine, the closest person too me in this world, has given me over to the thought police. I feel sorry for him. He is punishing the wrong person. It is not my fault that the Society has done these things, and are still doing them.
Skyking
1-01-2002