People with multiple sex partners in their past, present and future?

by free2beme 16 Replies latest jw friends

  • free2beme

    What I have wondered, is how true were the Witnesses about the psychological affect of having multiple sex partners in our lives? I remember reading, and hearing in talks, that people who have turned themselves into the type of person who engages in indiscriminate sex, will suffer depression, problems in relationships and illnesses related to such a life style. This line of fear was often drawn, to make a young person in the congregation fear the idea of having sex out of wedlock, and perhaps be enough to control the extreme drive of their hormones in early years. Yet, in your post Witness life, have you found people who practice a life of multiple sex partners to be this way?

    Where I work, I work with a young man named Charles. He is in his twenties, doing well financially, and is active in his sex life. He does not hold down long term relationships, as he wants to sample as many good looking woman as he can. Often making crude comments like, "I plan to bounce her head off the head board later." With such an open attitude of wanting woman, only for sex, you would think that woman in the work place environment would move away from such a man. While you might think this, you would be completely wrong. This man has been with no less then 20 woman in the place I work with, that are open about their sexual encounters with him. All of which, did not want a relationship, but rather a casual sex partner they could count on and come and go with, when ever they pleased. Charles was an eye opener to me, as I worked in small work environments for a long time, and never realized how normal his personality was. He drinks a lot, smokes a lot of pot, and yet he seems happy.

    Where I work is a woman named Trina, she is beautiful by any standards. She started working with me about two years ago. She claimed to be very Christian, very conservative, and so on. I thought she was a very nice girl and would talk to her a lot, as she seemed to be level headed. She would mention that she thought sex should be something special and not something that should be treated as a casual encounter. I was not shocked she felt this way, as Christians normally teach these principles. About six months ago, I was talking to another man from work and he mentioned that he had had sex with her. Nothing really shocks me anymore, but I was a little surprised, as she hid it well and even a couple days earlier was mentioning how she felt sex was best when in a relationship or even marriage. Soon though, I learned she had had sex with about ten men in the call center, that I knew of ... including the legendary Charles. Why was it, that she was just as sexual as Charles, and yet tried to show others she was not?

    In my time as a Witness, from growing up around it, to diving deep in to it. I always remember the strong sexual energy of the young people. Talking about sex, noticing sex in movies and so on. I could never begin to count how many people married because they were horny, or got disfellowshipped for acting out sexually, out of wedlock. In each case, they all had the unrealistic idea's of the society. That sex, was something that was perfect and best, when done in wedlock. They felt that once they found the person they wanted, they would marry and that pure essence of marriage bed sex would make them better then the world of the Charles, and Trina's. It made them better humans, better people and above all "Better Christians." Yet, without even mentioning it, people who were former Witnesses will read this paragraph and think of dozens of examples of failed marriages, caused and often linked to this unrealistic few of sex.

    So what is the perfect sexual history? Do you want to be someone who is open to having random sex, with anyone, anytime, and without commitment? Do you want to be someone who preaches that love and relationships are needed to have sex, while you go home each evening in engage in casual acts of sex with any one your hearts desire? Or do you save yourself, find the person you think is right, and have sex with them in marriage? In all three examples I have seen success and failure. In all three examples I have seen depression, and excitement. Yet in all the examples of my own personal life, I have often seen one over laying message and theme. Sex has as much power to make life, as it does to destroy it.

    Charles, recently learned that one of his one night stands, who said she could never get pregnant. Is now pregnant and wants him to pay child support, and is harassing him to the point that he can hardly make it to work anymore. He spends all day, sitting at his chair depressed, stressed and angry. He will come by my desk from time to time and comment that life sucks and this woman he got pregnant works only a few aisles over. Other woman do not want to touch him anymore, as he has a child coming and his way of dealing with it, is so wrong, that woman see him as a pig now.

    Trina, quit the job, where she made good money. When it became too open that she was sleeping with everyone. I guess it is hard to hide, when most people sitting next to you, have seen you naked. She needed to move her act on the road, and now works at a location in town that pays about half what our location pays and last time I saw her was at a friends going away party and she was drunk cussing, and not acting all that Christian like. Yet, she explained to me that she was not a bad girl in that slurred drunken manner, that is so easy to imitate.

    Where are the Witnesses who left their perfect marriages, they got in to for the wrong reasons. Many of the ones I knew, left the religion, some took on lives like Charles, some like Trina and some went into another marriage, and some are just doing fine without sex. Yet they, like the others, will never be able to say, "I have only been with one person." So is a life with multiple sex partners bad? My conclusion on the matter, is that like every thing in life, it depends on the person and the reason behind why you want sex. Yet, as much as I dislike saying the Witnesses might have been right on something, when they are wrong about so much. I have not seen shining examples of happiness with anyone I know that is overly sexually active, and sexually obsessed and I know more people who are like Charles, and Trina, then any other type. So I guess it all comes down to balance, can't do to little, can't do to much. Just don't think sex brings happiness, anymore so then money does.

    So what are your thoughts on multiple sex partners, in a persons life?

  • minimus

    Great read! I feel that being raised as a "good" JW has its ups and downs. Sure, you're protected from VD, abortions and unwanted pregnancies. But you also miss out on variety, wanting to know what's out there, which I think is as a natural normal thing. If a person is a "sexual" person, I think they have to find themselves, their needs, their wants and desires. Being a "pig" is not necessarily a good thing but a person can label anyone they want. Having self respect is important overall. But I think one's curiosity can lead to healthy experimentation.

  • serendipity

    The women I know who admit to having many partners tend to be male bashers because of their bad experiences with men who wouldn't commit or who cheated on them. Those who had abortions tended to feel guilty. Those who had many partners had some regrets because they felt they weren't respected. I wonder if these women would have as much emotional baggage if they had been more discriminating.

    The men I know who screwed around tended to be dishonest in the relationships to get sex, and they cheated.

    This topic is not one I discuss with many people, so these observations are based on a limited sample.

    The prevalence of STDs and the risk of unwanted pregnancy makes me think twice about treating sex casually.

    As long as people are honest with their partners about the relationship potential and commitment levels, to each his own. People just need to look beyond the pleasure and be aware there are consequences of their actions now and in the future

  • free2beme

    I think that STD's are shrinking in their shadow of fear over people today. When I mention to people that are sexually active, better watch out for HIV? They often mention that they use condoms. Condoms are not 100% capable of preventing HIV. They help, but there is still chances of it spreading with there use. I also mention that there are STD's, that spread even if a condom is worn. All these are shrugged off with a, "whatever, it will not happen to me attitude."

    Over indulgence into sex, can dehumanize the experience at times. I think, it should be something special, beyond a handshake. Another person I work with, whose name is Tony, explained to me that he was going over to a girls house to have sex. I asked if it was his girlfriend? To which he explained that she asked him out, and when he asked if she wanted to go to a movie, dinner or anything. She explained that all she wanted was sex, and no games of whether or not they would or would not. I almost want to pull my hair out sometimes, that people make it so cheap. I am surrounded with people like this all the time, and so is my spouse where they work. Many of the people I know, use Myspace, as a way to make sexual hook ups and from what I hear, it works well

  • Lady Lee
    Lady Lee

    This is a good topic as long as it stays on track.

    I remember reading, and hearing in talks, that people who have turned themselves into the type of person who engages in indiscriminate sex, will suffer depression, problems in relationships and illnesses related to such a life style.

    Well living the WT sanctioned relationship made me depressed, gave me problems with relationships and plenty of illness fue to WT indused stress and burnout

    Having gone out and tried a more varied lifestyle I know that FOR ME sex and committed relationships go together

  • lighthouse19something

    Free2beme, I think fear of stds is the reson I hear of so people who still have a sexual relationship with their ex's

  • Amazing

    mmmmm ... I agree with Minimus, good read Free2beme. I believe that once people are committed in marriage, that their sexuality should be confined to that committment. It is a special bond. However, the Old Testament is filled with "faithful" people who had their share of sex ... King David and his wives, and King Solomon and his 1,000 wives and concubines.

    Jesus made it clear that for Christians, the issue was not as much about sex as it was leaving your partner and marrying another. In fact, in one verse Jesus connected adultery to the act of marrying another, and not the sex by itself.

    Premarital sex is not directly discussed in the NT, but fornication is, e.g. Gal. 5:19 as a work of the flesh. Fornication has differing definitions, depending on which religious body one listens to.

    But, the point of the Scripture is not ro show that sex outside marriage is necessarily going to result in emotional problems, or sexual diseases, or unwanted pregnancies. Rather, the NT emphasizes that sex is sacred, elevanted, and intended for a committed bond.

    The WTS creates foolish and unnecessary stress regarding sex ... it is a control mechanism. That is their bag to find ways to scare people and run every aspect of people's lives. IN doing this they misinform, and confuse their members, especially the young.

    The Church (Catholic and Orthodox) focus on sexual purity within marriage as something special, good and sacred as the ideal to be pursued. But, they recognize people's humanity, and are far more forgiving of those who transgress.

    Personally, I am no longer inhibited about sex, but I fall back on my Catholic roots in that I like to think of sex as something special between two people who are in love, and deeply bond within the sexual union. But, I do not judge others who take a more sporty approach. I leave it between them and God.

    Jim Whitney

  • gumby

    All the guys that I've seen who have had many women in their lives always get tired of it in time and they want to settle down and be loved and to love some themselves. Yes, they have experience of what it's like to have sampled sex with various ones, but they aren't any happier than a guy who has only had one gal in his life. Most will tell you it really wasn't that big of a deal......hard to imagine, but that's what they say.

    I was watching "Hollywood's Worst Murders" and it had a part on Bob Crane....the Hogans Hero's guy. He had an awful fetish for sex and it consummed him. I think there are people who have abnormal desires just as do people who eat to much, or spend money with no restraint......and they never seem satisfied.

    "Being with someone you love is better than breeding thousands of women you don't love". ( Proverbs 69:69 )


  • Highlander

    "Being with someone you love is better than breeding thousands of women you don't love". ( Proverbs 69:69 )

    that was funny

  • sammielee24

    Casual sex, indiscriminate sex partners, multiple sex partners - they all mean different things to me. I think the Watchtower like a lot of other religions tends to go overboard on anything to do with sex. A persons own morals & boundaries in relation to their sexual activity do not have to come from any religion but can quite easily be set by their own level of self esteem, confidence and value. Our children should be taught to respect their body because it belongs to them - not because they are holding it out to give someone else at some time in the future. The WTS was great in pushing the trust issue as well in the sex before marriage card by insisting that one could not really trust their spouse if he/she had sex before they were married. What has sex before marriage have to do with trust? I personally know of no woman or man who has been depressed because they've had more than one sex partner - but I do know that all of them prefer to be in committed relationships for reasons not only sexual in natural.

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