by smily 18 Replies latest jw friends
((((smily))))
I hate to say this, but if he has been reinstated, he would have had to have been going through the process for months, so if he said he has only been thinking about it, then he was lying. It sounds like he has used your lack of knowledge of his religion to con you. If that is the case, how can you ever trust him? He may lie to you about other things and, hurtful as it is, I can't help thinking that you would be a lot better off without this man.
Ok well , maybe I did not explain it well. He did tell me he was trying to talk with the elders and I was fully aware of the fact that he was really unhappy about being out.He feels like a failure especially to his parents.He was kicked out because he got divorced from a JW and could not handle it all and went on a drunken few months of craziness! I dont feel he has lied to me just that perhaps as I did not understand it fully I underestimated its signifigance.He has never hide his religious ideas from me I have just never really asked!Now he says he feels like he is living two lives? but still he wants time? So to me (perhaps false hope) I feel his is not sooooooo sure! he does indeed seem heart wrenchingly confused.
If he were to marry you, smily, now, it would take much longer for him to be "reinstated." The elders would expect you to study and become a JW before he married you. If he wants to be reinstated, he has to convince the elders that he is no longer seeing you, definitely not staying overnight with you, and definitely having no sexual relationship with each other.
Really, there aren't too many choices if he wants to get back into the WT organization.
1) He quits seeing you totally and goes to all their meetings to get reinstated.
2) He marries you and goes to all their meetings (will take longer to be reinstated)
3) He keeps seeing you but hides it from the elders and goes to all their meetings, gets reinstated, the elders find out and he gets disfellowshipped again.
4) You study and become a JW (bad idea), he gets reinstated, you get married.
Does he still believe all the WT doctrines or is he picking and choosing what suits him? Does he miss "friends" and "family" in the WT organization?
If he tells the elders the total truth about you, they will tell him to drop you completely. If you choose to go the meetings, study and become a JW to marry him, they will find that suspicious, that you aren't truly convinced JWs have the "truth." They might feel that you should both wait several months, a year, before getting married (no hanky panky until then too).
Hang around here and listen to experiences from people with similar experiences.
Welcome, Blondie
He does seem to pick and choose but as Iam not sure of the rules I do not know how serious it is.He does drink and we have had some kissing! He always feels guilty after and backs up and gets quite upset for a few days.He also does sports and has some non-JW friends.
If he wants to be reinstated, it is very serious, and he has to live a life of a JW and still be shunned by them wherever they see him, not just at the kingdom hall.
He has to go to all five meetings, usually 1 on Tuesday night, 2 on Thursday, and 2 on Sunday morning, for a total of 5 hours. He can't talk to anyone and no one can talk to him. He has to do this for at least 6 months before he can put a written request to the elders for reinstatement. This is usually put into the contribution box at the kingdom hall.
He will be expected to drop all his non-JW friends, quit the behavior that led to his disfellowshipping and any other disfellowshipping behaviors.
Most JWs are not reinstated until after one year (there are a few exceptions, usually good friends or business partners of elders).
If he is not being honest with himself, saying he wants to be reinstated, but is not willing to do the things required by the WTS, I would say that he is very conflicted and might not be emotionally ready for a serious relationship.
My husband was not a JW when I married him, I was a conflicted JW. He became a JW and we tried to fit in. But we finally realized that they WT organization is emotionally and spiritually abusive and left.
For his sake, I hope he gets out completely. Would he come here and talk to some of us?
Blondie
Smily, more than anything else you need to educate yourself about what it means to be a witness, and what it means when someone is disfellowshipped, disassociated, and what it means to be reinstated. Just dive in and start reading at this site, you will get a REAL education, believe me.
You love this man and it sounds like you want to try and keep the relationship. I do not know if that is possible, although there have been people who post here who have been successful in leaving the JWs whiule maintaining a relationship with a JW spouse. In addition to reading here and finding out about how the JWs work, you need to do serious reading on mind control and cults, because that is what you are up against. Your BF is under mind control of the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society, a book-selling multi-billion dollar cult. Does love conquer all? Sometimes, sadly, it does not. So, be prepared. Whatever you decide to do, you'll have to be stronger than you ever thought it possible that you could be, and do constant gut checks. Good luck.
He was kicked out because he got divorced from a JW and could not handle it all and went on a drunken few months of craziness!
They don't usually boot people for that. Chances are he had an affair, got caught and isn't being honest with you.
If you tolerate his wishy-washy-ness you are lining yourself up for a life of misery. You don't deserve that, so run while you can.
Tell him that when he comes to his senses you may still be around, but meanwhile to p*ss off and leave your heart alone.
Smily be very careful. I was in your situation and ended up doing the I love him and trust him so I will study with the witnesses route. I married my husband and things are ok now but I almost committed suicide. It worked out ok but it was a very very very bad decision. I became a Christian elsewhere and my husband no longer attends but I will always have to live with the fact that he may go back. I also know he will not care what it does to me. I love my husband very much but the whole situation destroyed my trust in pretty much everyone. I will never mentally be what I was.
He has a deep emotional problem. The Watchtower Society!!!
As long as he still has a sliver of himself that says "JWs have the truth" he will allways feel guilt and shame. Allways feel terrible he is not doing 100% for the Watchtower cult. Allways put anything outside of the organization second.
I'd heed the advice of many others. This is not someone you want to be involved with unless...
1. He actually leaves the WTS
2. He is totally honest with you.
