Thanks everyone. I appreciate the support. I'm finally coming out, really coming out from under this cloud of guilt and striving that was instilled into me by the jw. I'm right now reminded of a sorry that used to make me mad at my mom, but now makes me see what a total jackass I was for so long.
Last year, even though I'd been out of the jw for about three years, my mom grabbed me to give me a big hug. It was around Christmas time and she had just put up her tree and decorated the house. After she hugged me she told me, "I remember when you were a little boy. You used to love Christmas more than anyone of us. You'd always have the tree decorated before anyone else and you'd always be the most excited this time of year."
When she told me that I was mad at her. I didn't say anthing, but I was mad and I can now identify that anger. It was the conflict between the trash that the jw poured into my mind and the fact that I not only knew she was right but REALLY MISSED those simpler times. When I put on the "new personality," I became an arrogant jerk who knew everything and "accurately" looked down on those who weren't as enlightened as I was. The saddest part is that I DIDN'T REALIZE IT AT ALL.
When I look back on the things I said and did in support of "kingdom interests," I'm ashamed and embarrassed. My family could have told me to get lost but they patiently waited for their love to sink in.
Now that I can see the hateful damage the jw did to me, to my relationships, and to my self-esteem, I don't want revenge, per se, but I do feel the need to make my story known and available so that those who are about to be or are already mislead by the watchtower snake oil salesmen can have ONE MORE RESOURCE available to help them see what a bunch of hypocrites their leaders are.
OK, I've rambled again.
Thanks everyone. I don't think I've ever felt this light or this free.