Never Ending Jokes - Part II

by waiting 37 Replies latest social humour

  • waiting
    waiting

    Oops...........

    I tried to post back on the other thread and got an ugly looking "Internal Error" message. Seven's dire warning obviously had some validity to it, eh?

    Well...WELCOME!!!!!!

    The following was sent to me by Prisca, remember her? Found out that those Aussie's DO have a good sense of humor

    Teenagers vs Cats

    For all of you with teenagers or who had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:

    1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by
    name.

    2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

    3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

    4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.

    5. No cat or teenager shares your taste in music.

    6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

    7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

    8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating
    that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom.

    9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.

    10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to
    return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior. Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times.

    And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any
    sudden moves in their direction.

    When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some
    affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all
    concerned.

    ****************************

    To add to that, when my kids were around 8-14, they had this annoying habit of flinching everytime I'd raise my hand in public. Quite embarrassing to me. They finally told me, when grown, (kids usually wait till years later for the telling) that they did this on purpose so that people would think that I hit them all the time.

    I was stunned! "Do you know how embarrassing that was for me?"

    Response from my beautiful, intelligent, 28 year old daughter: (snicker) "Yeah." (snicker).

    waiting

  • Caole
    Caole

    Excellent, Waiting I was going to reply to you on the other thread...saw this one pop up...many thanks from me to you!

    they did this on purpose so that people would think that I hit them all the time.
    I'd be sure to pass that story on to my grandchildren when they came along(payback time)

    Here's another cat joke...it's a bit outdated:

    The Top 10 Signs Your Cat has a Personality Disorder

    10. Couldn't muster up sufficient disdain if all nine lives depended on it!

    9. You've repeatedly found him in the closed garage, hunched over the wheel of your running Buick.

    8. Sits for hours in fascination while listening to Bob Dole.

    7. No longer licks paws clean, but washes them at the sink again and again and again...

    6. Doesn't get Garfield, but laughs like hell at Marmaduke.

    5. Rides in your car with its head out the window.

    4. Has built a shrine to Andrew Lloyd Webber entirely out of empty "9 Lives" cans.

    3. Spends all day in litterbox separating the green chlorophyll granules from the plain white ones.

    2. Your stereo is missing, and in the corner you find a pawn ticket and 2 kilos of catnip.

    and the Number 1 Sign Your Cat has a Personality Disorder...

    1. Makes an attempt on "First Cat" Socks' life in a pathetic attempt to impress Jodie Foster.

  • Caole
    Caole

    Four football fans go rock climbing one afternoon, a Cowboys fan, a Packers fan, a Vikings fan, and a Steelers fan. They had been arguing all the way up the mountain about who among them was the most "die-hard" fan.

    Upon reaching the top of the mountain, the Cowboys fan proclaimed to the other four: "This is for the Dallas Cowboys!", and promptly threw himself off the mountain as a form of sacrifice.

    Not to be outdone by a Cowboys fan, the Steelers fan jumped up and said, "This is for the Pittsburgh Steelers!", and then threw himself off the mountain again as a form of sacrifice.

    Refusing to be outdone by the Cowboy and Steeler fans, the Viking fan rose to his feet and yelled at the top of his lungs "This is for the Minnesota Vikings!", and without any hesitation, pushed the Packer fan off the mountain.

  • Caole
    Caole

    Long ago, there lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a lookout spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt." The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the bright frock, he led his mates into battle and defeated the pirates.

    Later on, the lookout spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red shirt, and once again vanquished the pirates.

    That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs and one of them asked the captain: "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

    The captain replied: "If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood, and thus, you men will continue to resist, unafraid." All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a man.

    As dawn came the next morning, the lookout once again spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all stared in worshipful silence at the captain, and waited for his usual reply.

    Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his mighty sailing ship, and turned and shouted: "Get me my brown pants."

  • Caole
    Caole

    Wise Advise From Kids

    1.Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10
    2.When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. - Micheal, 14
    3.Never tell your mom her diet's not working. - Micael, 14
    4.Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9
    5.Never pee on an electric fence. - Robert, 13
    6.Don't squat with your spurs on. - Noronna, 13
    7.Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. - Emily, 10
    8.When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. - Taylia, 11
    9.Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. - Traci 14
    10.Don't sneeze in front of your mom when you're eating crackers. - Mitchell, 12
    11.Puppies still have bad breath aven after eating a tic tac. - Andrew, 9
    12.Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. - Kyoyo, 9
    13.You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. - Armir, 9
    14.Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. Kellie, 11
    15.If you want a kitten. Start out by asking for a horse. N/A
    16.Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, 9
    17.Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. - Joel, 10
    18.When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. - Alyesha, 13
    19.Never try to baptize a cat. - Ellen

  • outsider_looking_in
    outsider_looking_in

    Religious Ideology

    Taoism: Shit happens.
    Confucianism: Confucius, he say: "Shit happens."

    Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.

    Zen Buddhism: Shit is, and is not.

    Zen Buddhism #2: What is the sound of shit happening?

    Hinduism: This shit has happened before.

    Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.

    Islam #2: If shit happens, take another hostage.

    Islam #3: If shit happens, blame Israel.

    Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.

    Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.

    Presbyterian: This shit was bound to happen.

    Episcopalian: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it.

    Methodist: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it.

    Congregationalist: Shit that happens to one person is just as good as shit that happens to another.

    Unitarian: Shit that happens to one person is just as bad as shit that happens to another.

    Lutheran: If shit happens, don't talk about it.

    Fundamentalism: If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again. (Amen!)

    Fundamentalism #2: If shit happens to a televangelist, it's okay.

    Fundamentalism #3: Shit must be born again.

    Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to me?

    Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work.

    Seventh Day Adventism: No shit shall happen on Saturday.

    Seventh Day Hoppist: Hop, Shit and Jump.

    Creationism: God made all shit.

    Secular Humanism: Shit evolves.

    Christian Science: When shit happens, don't call a doctor - pray!

    Christian Science #2: Shit happening is all in your mind.

    Unitarianism: Come let us reason together about this shit.

    Quakers: Let us not fight over this shit.

    Utopianism: This shit does not stink.

    Darwinism: This shit was once food.

    Capitalism: That's MY shit.

    Communism: It's everybody's shit.

    Feminism: Men are shit.

    Chauvinism: We may be shit, but you can't live without us...

    Commercialism: Let's package this shit.

    Impressionism: From a distance, shit looks like a garden.

    Idolism: Let's bronze this shit.

    Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit IS.

    Existentialism #2: What is shit, anyway?

    Stoicism: This shit is good for me.

    Hedonism: There is nothing like a good shit happening!

    Mormonism: God sent us this shit.

    Mormonism #2: This shit is going to happen again.

    Wiccan: As it harm none, let shit happen.

    Scientology: If shit happens, see "Dianetics", Section 2, Chapter 4, p.157.

    Jehovah's Witnesses: (Knock) (Knock) "Shit happens."

    Jehovah's Witnesses #2: May we have a moment of your time to show you some of our shit?

    Jehovah's Witnesses #3: Shit has been prophesied and is imminent; only the righteous shall survive its happening.

    Moonies: Only really happy shit happens.

    Hare Krishna: Shit happens, rama rama ding ding.

    Rastafarianism: Let's smoke dis shit!

    Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half of the time.

    Church of SubGenius: BoB shits.

    Practical: Deal with shit one day at a time.

    Agnostic: Shit might have happened; then again, maybe not.

    Agnostic #2: Did someone shit?

    Agnostic #3: What is this shit?

    Satanism: SNEPPAH TIHS.

    Atheism: What shit?

    Atheism #2: I can't believe this shit!

    Nihilism: No shit.

  • Caole
  • Seven
    Seven

    Sarge, I'm only eighteen, I got a ruptured spleen
    And I always carry a purse
    I got eyes like a bat, and my feet are flat, and my asthma's getting worse
    Yes, think of my career, my sweetheart dear, and my poor old invalid aunt
    Besides, I ain't no fool, I'm a-goin' to school
    And I'm working in a DEE-fense plant
    Phil Ochs-Draft Dodger Rag

    .

  • Caole
    Caole

    Seven...lol @ tali-tubby Pssst...I've been checking out main a little bit...guess who's here(sometimes)...Sunspot

  • Caole

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