Hello. My name is Cari. I am fairly new here. Here is my story.
I was "raised in the truth". As a young girl, I remember going regularly to all the meetings and in field service. I didn't like to go to the meetings as I wanted to play at home instead! At about age 9 or so, I enrolled in the Theocratic Ministry School, as I noticed the other young pple were doing it around that time. I did not want to appear to be "lagging behind".
My mother was babtised when I was about 5 years old and immediatly had the "zeal" most new witnesses get when they get babtised. That zeal soon grew very dim as the years passed. My father studied at the time. When problems with the elders and my mom started happening, my dad examined why he was really studying. He felt he was losing his family to the JW's. He got very angry and retaliated to and elder that lived next door. The elder was injured and I remember Daddy telling me he had to go to jail for a while. At the time, I did not understand everything that was happening; I was in my own little world. Because of the failing marriage, and the problems with my dad, my mom divorced him. The breakup of our family really affected me. Now, my Dad was no longer with us, and a new stage in life was started for me, one that would be very long and painful.
My mom shortly thereafter, remarried to a brother who had just moved from another congregation. My brother and I did not like him from the start. Mama told us she was going to marry him, and we pleaded and cried for her not to. I asked Mama recently why she married him so quickly after the divorce from my dad, and she told me she had felt sorry for him.
Now, with my dad being gone far away (he moved to be with his parents on the other side of the country) and this new person taking the lead in our lives, I was very confused and sad. I tried to take it the best I could, but unfortunalty, the bad outweighed a lot of the good.
Our new step family did not start out with a good start. There were many problems. Bad things happened. In order to deal with these awful events, I turned to getting more active in the congregation as my escape. My best friend was babtised at the age of 11 at a summer district convention. At the next meeting at the hall, she asked me and another girl our age "What prevents you from getting babtised?". I did not really know what to say. The thought never left my head. A year later, at the age of 13, I was babtised at a local circuit assembly. I felt that now I was catching up to what I was supposed to be doing, in order to be like my friend.
In school, I was very shy and quiet. In the small town we lived near, everyone knew I was a witness. As the JW's say over and over again, it serves as a protection to be known that way. It was true in my case. I never was asked to go to parties of my classmates. Never asked out by boys, never included in anything social. I had one or 2 friends in school and that was it. Most of the kids thought I belonged to a wierd religion ( LOL..they were right) and thier parents told them to avoid me. This isolation from school further motivated me to really immerse myself in JW activities. I felt needed and appreciated in the congo, something that was lacking in my development in school. I look back now and see the beginnings of the "holier than thou" attitude that many witnesses take on.
Toward my sophomore year in high school, a new JW family had moved in to our little congregation in hopes to motivate it and help where the "need was greater". The family had 3 daughters around my age. New friendships developed. The oldest daughter was "very spiritual". She had taken home schooling in order to pioneer. That sparked my interest. I was timid in public school as it was and here was a way I could get out of it. I could use pioneering as the perfect excuse to do it! So, that is what I did. I finished my Sophomore year and then quit public school to start home schooling. I had been auxiliarly pioneering frequently at that time. I aux pioneered for 3 more months, the made the switch to regular pioneering.
I was quite zealous at first. I would put in 120 hours a month in all the fall and the beginning of winter. Then I would go down to about 80 or so a month until summer. By then I would have most of my hours in so that I could enjoy the good weather in MN. I HATED going out in service. I was very fearful of bringing a message to pple that most did not care for. In our area, there was very little interest. We veiwed our preaching work mostly as informing pple of the things to come, rather than bringing in "sheeplike" ones (the understanding at the time). Each year that I pioneered, I found myself getting more and more scared of talking to pple and more and more burned out. I kept at it the best I could, as it was my escape from many of the bad things happening in my personal life. Finally , after almost 4 years of pioneering, I called it quits. I could not take it anymore. I then started professional counciling, as I was very depressed. ( I later found out it was genuine depression, meds have worked for me wonderfully) I will admit, the devoting of my whole entire life to the JW's did not help with it. I began to ask myself ?'s...like why am I really doing this?
Around this time, some friends of mine I met at pioneer school a few years ago told me I should move to be with them. They lived in a big congregation a few hours away. I thought a change would be very nice. At the age of 18, I moved out of home and to a new congregation and city. This is the time I really started to open up my true self, to really examine why I was doing things.
I got myself work, and started to try to make a life for myself, while remaining fairly active in my new congregation. I started to date. I felt very guilty for doing so, as you were pretty much expected to marry if you were dating. I knew nothing about the opposite sex! I look back and see that I was trying to do what most young pple my age were doing,,,learning about the opposite sex and learning about yourself at the same time. With the witnesses beliefs of course, you were not to think of dating as something fun. My first JW boyfriend turned out to be a disaster. I was feeling very low at that time. Then came along an attractive brother who was nice and showed interest in me. Starving as I was for attention and affection, we had a whirlwind romance and married after 5 months of dating. As "good"witnesses, we both had wanted sex so bad we felt we just could not wait and date a while longer. We both knew pretty much soon after we married that we did not make the best decision. We got along (and still do) but now we had to deal with the realities of our choices. I felt cheated in a way by the JW's beliefs, feeling that I made my choices under thier strict guidance and instruction. Ultimately, I do not blame them for my decisions, but I do see how they have that much control over your life. Sadly, our marriage did not work out.
About 3 years ago, at age of 24, I decided to disassociate myself. I told the elder that came to visit and wrote in my letter to the headquarters that I felt I really did not choose to be a witness. I felt it just happened in response to the many variables going on in my life. I told them I wanted to take my time and find out for myself what is truth and what is not, and that when I made a decision as to spirituality, it would be because I TRULY WANTED IT!
It has not been easy since leaving the JW's. It is like learning to live an entire new life. Once in a while I find myself resorting back to old methods and ways of dealing with life. But, I do a pretty good job at keeping myself in check with reality. I really miss alot of my old freinds. Of course, they will not talk to me now, and that has taken some time to get used to. I have turned to my non-JW family and they have been very supportive. I celebrate holidays now and I love it! I, like most, don't celebrate for religious reasons, but for reasons of getting together with loved ones and sharing good times!
I haven't always made the best decisions for myself since leaving. But I know that is life, and is normal. One of the hardest things to get used to is realising that I do not have to be perfect! I got myself into that rut while being with the JW's...always watching what I was doing, etc etc. The relief is immense! The biggest thing I enjoy is being guilt free. I live life as I choose, not as what others would want me to live. If I make the choice to serve a higher power, it will be totally from the heart (as the way it should be)! I refuse to be made to feel guily to serve another thing or being. That is not how it should be done.
Remember the song "Greatest Love of All"? I think one phrase from that song sums it up for me. "If I fail or if I suceed, at least I'll live as I believe." Despite all the hard times we have in life, we can be happy and go on. I have learned to and I know others can too.
Cari