$h*T happens

Thank you for putting into words what I felt so many times, but could never explain or understand. You are certainly not the only person to have ever felt that way..

Whenever I was having a sh*tty day (& there were many!!!), one of my first thoughts was that I had done something to displease Jehovah (what a positive thought for someone who always felt guilty just for being born..). Which meant going to 'Him' in prayer, or talking to Brother So-And-So--who was always expert at making me feel more guilty even when I had done nothing wrong..

Whenever I tried to look upon the rough spots as attacks from Satan, I felt momentarily better (after all, didn't they always tell us that tests or attacks were a 'good sign'--to be concerned if things were going 'too well?'), but that was quickly replaced by my resentment over Jehovah sitting up there in 'His' chair & just passively letting all of this happen. Which in turn was always a sore spot with me (as you might be able to glean from some of my early posts), & had quite a bit to do with my decision to leave..

Is it any wonder that some of us came out as bruised & damaged as we did???

You are not alone..

DR

I totally agree with everything that
you mentioned in your thread.

I too went through the same mental
gymnastics trying to figure it all out.

Love and respect,

The Wanderer

purplesofa- i always wondered about that, i used to comfort myself by saying that it was satan testing me, as i knew i was doing the right thing. Trouble is, nothing ever went right for me, it was continual suffering. I got so sick of it, in the end i got d/f as i couldn`t take the strain of trying to live a perfect life with an imperfect body, as that is what the wts expected us to do..

purplesofa: "Am I the only person that stayed in a state of confusion about this?"

The WTS deliberately cultivates confusion and insecurity among its followers in order to keep them submissive.

For example, if the WTS points to an end-of-the-world date and it fails to materialize, the r&f are blamed for going ahead of the society. If you become depressed, it's because you're not doing enough for the WTS/Jehovah. If you're a faithful JW enduring difficulties, you're being tested by Satan. If you're an exJW enduring difficulties, Jehovah is punishing you. EVERYTHING is your fault, not the WT's.

By shifting the blame to its followers (and the followers accepting that blame), the WTS is able to retain its authority as Jehovah's mouthpiece. As many ruthless dictators before them have discovered, it's handy to keep a scapegoat close by to heap all the blame on.

I just could not relax........what a stressful way to live.

Purp, during the time I was a jw, I could not understand why things never seemed to work out right. Or the way I expected.

All the stress and anger I had, got even worse when the elders interfered in my marriage. All said and done it ended in divorce and me df'd.

I felt I had to see a psychologist and after our first visit, he hands me a small book on psychology that states plainly right up front , that LIFE IS DIFFICULT.

I read the whole damned book in one week. The next visit he talks about my life and asks questions about the jw's and their requirements. Then he described just how this cult increased the demand of almost every aspect of my life.

Then he talked about the mental confusion "dissonance" that happens when what is claimed to be truth by an important "in our mind" source, does not agree with what we see in real life, but we aren't aware enough, to place the blame where it belongs.

After this is where I began to "change me", to fit into the reality of life and not the lies of the wbts.

Outoftheorg

Oddly enough Years later I had a conversation with a local religious minister and the subject of psychology came up. Then during our visit he made this statement. "You know that psychology can destroy ones spirituality." I felt like saying "yeah, that's why I love it". But I didn't.