Questions about Dating a Former Jehovah's Witness

by The wanderer 23 Replies latest jw friends

  • The wanderer
    The wanderer

    Weighing the Decisions

    Having spent a number of years in the organization and the opportunity to
    marry in the "truth" there was this reluctance to do so. Why? having been
    around the sisters in the organization they were not the strong willed
    independent type that was desirable in my eyes.

    A Product of There Environment

    The Watchtower, in my opinion, had something to do with creating "sub-
    missive sister susie". It was something that repelled me and that was
    unattractive according to my way of thinking. In all fairness, they probably
    did not like "brother geek" or "brother drone" either.

    Point of Decision

    Recently, I have been having second thoughts regarding dating a former
    Jehovah's Witness. Perhaps, they are not what they once were? Would
    it be a good idea to become involved with one or would it be a terrible
    mistake? Would there be the chance of receiving "damaged goods"?

    Reaching out

    Hopefully, this thread did not offend anyone on this discussion board
    and if there is a chance that it did, I would like to apologize. However, can
    someone point me in the right direction on meeting a former Jehovah's Witness?


    The Wanderer

  • nsrn

    I'm confused. You are an ex JW, and you want to find an ex JW girl to date, right?

  • The wanderer
    The wanderer

    That is correct!

  • Good Girl or Bad Girl?
    Good Girl or Bad Girl?

    Well my two cents is that you will just have to get to know exJW's and maybe date some of them in order to know if that is what you want long-term. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't, but it's only you that can know that.

    Maybe you want to have someone who understands your unique struggles in the JW's organization. Only someone who has been there will understand this.

    Maybe you want to have someone with whom you can move forward and not focus on the past. Perhaps an ex-JW is not a good choice in this case.

    I'd say it's not something you can categorically say about either kinds of people, but rather something to be decided on an individual basis. Some women are strong and independent regardless of whether or not they were ever JW's. Some are not.

    I don't know if that makes any sense. I'm tired and am calling it a night now.

  • parakeet

    ***Would it be a good idea to become involved with one or would it be a terrible mistake?***

    It would be a good idea only if you love misery. As an exJW, you of all people should know what a bad mistake that would be. The very idea that you're asking such a weird question makes me question your motives and sanity.

  • riverofdeceit

    So you are asking (predominantly) exJWs if it is ok to date exJWs? Kind of odd question. Why would it be any more of an issue for you than for her?

  • parakeet

    My bad, wanderer. I thought you were asking about dating a JW, not a former JW. My apologies.

  • Country Girl
    Country Girl

    Some of them will be damaged goods, for sure. A person cannot live with such oppression and skewed lifestyle without *some* damage. It's what they have done with it that counts! For some people, it's made them cynical, bitter, and angry. Other people have become more humanistic, compassionate and empathetic. Just like with anything or anyone else: each person has a story, and each person deals with it a different way. You might like to take the view that *because* the individual is free-thinking and independent, that is WHY they are out!

    Just as in any other situation, if you like the person, they have good character, and you feel that they are compatible, then go for it! It's just like people that have never been part of a fundamental cult: they have the same obstacles. No one is perfect, and everyone has some flaws, and emotional baggage, be it from a failed marriage, bad relationships, or just plain being raised in a nutso family.

    If you can offer perfection, well, then, you deserve it right back. But be prepared for an indefinite wait!

    Good luck on your search!


  • unbeliever

    I considered pursuing a relationship with a very close friend of mine who is an xjw. There was a period of time where my feelings for him went beyond friendship. I really went back and forth with it. The more I thought about it I realized it was not a good idea. I came to the conclusion that our major bond was our jw past (left the dubs together). You need more than that for a relationship. If the only thing you have in common is being an xjw then I would not pursue it. Looking back I know I made the right decision. We are still great friends.

  • Twitch

    I agree with CountryGirl and Good Girl Bad Girl on this one. I think much depends on the person and how they deal with this particular issue. True, there is a lot to be said for being understood on this level and you won't find it anywhere else. Could be a source of strength and support. Then again, there is something to be said for making a fresh start and not being reminded of it. Depending on the level of involvement and time in the org, as well as how long they've been out, xdub related baggage in a potential partner may well be an issue and not just in the other person, mind you. Consider as well that this is not exclusive to xdubs; you're gonna find it just as much with those who've no idea what dub is, just a different mix of issues. And a different mix of viewpoints and strengths. Again, it all depends on you, the other person and what you want in a relationship. But there's only one way to find out if xdub partner is for you, no?

    I came to the conclusion that our major bond was our jw past (left the dubs together). You need more than that for a relationship. If the only thing you have in common is being an xjw then I would not pursue it.

    That's some good advice, unbeliever. Though I think there are benefits to having the common background and understanding certain things no one else will, there is danger in it blinding you to the realities of who that person actually is and whether or not you are compatible. Things can become very confusing very fast and you stand to get hurt pretty easily. That being said, I'm sure there are many xdub that have met and make it work. But not just because they're xdubs I'm sure; you gotta have more than that.

    On a personal note, I remember back when i was leaving the org of how cool it would be to meet another "rebel" who could understand this thing I was going through. I had that "dream" for a time after leaving and a few years later, it came true, only it was a nightmare, lol. Messed me up for some time and I wasn't the only one she played. Careful what you wish for, it may come true,

    Look for someone who is interesting in moving forward, not looking back whether they are xdub or not. And for who they are, not who they've been.

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