The Pain of Shunning

by choosing life 8 Replies latest jw friends

  • choosing life
    choosing life

    I saw my daughter for the first time today, since she was disfellowshipped. Just to make it clear, I refuse to shun her so she insists on shunning me. Today was unavoidable. I could see she was really hurting. I just gave her a hug and told her I loved her. I feel so terrible that I taught her to believe all this insanity. It just breaks my heart. I wish there was some way to undo the harm, but I never realized how horrible this teaching was until it affected me and my family,although I know the teaching always bothered me. How can I ever undo the damage I have done to my own precious children who I would give my life for?

  • sunshineToo

    I am so sorry to hear that. I heart goes out to you.

    I am DA'd and my mom is a jw. So I guess I am in a similar situation as you and your daughter.

    If I were your daughter, I want my mommy to be with me always. I want her to tell me that she will never leave me or stop loving me. I want my mom to keep calling me or showing up at my door and ask me to go shopping together. If you already feel their policies are insane, show her how you feel if you wish. Most of all I want my mom to tell me that no one is going to make her shun her baby girl.

  • Warlock


    I feel guilty as well, but my kid, who is inactive, not d.a.'d or d.f.'d, is doing well. She has friends in "the world" who are far better than those in the congregation. Look, you cannot undo what has been done. Just apologize, and love, love, love, the hell out of your daughter. Hug her, kiss her, talk to her.

    We taught our children these things because we thought we were doing a good thing. We didn't do it because we hated them, we did it because we loved them.


  • moanzy

    As a daughter who is shunned by her mother, I would want from my mom to know that I as her child, am worth more than rules of men. That I am not a subhuman, but her child, a part of her that you can't just throw away.

    I would like her to throw her arms around me and tell me that nothing would stop her from being my mom.

    Alas, this will never happen.But if it could this is what I would need to hear and what I would do for my children.


  • earthtone

    Not much more for me to add here. You've gotten some great advice.

    Just tell her you were wrong and that you love her. We aren't perfect and all make mistakes. You did it out of love and thought it was the right thing to do. Stop beating yourself up about it. It will only make you more miserable. Be happy that you saw thru it all now and not 5,10, or even 20yrs from now. You could have lost a whole lifetime but your not. That's something to be happy about. Very happy.

  • lowden

    Choosing Life

    This teaching is evil!

    When i was DFed and my 15 yr old son was 'ordered' stop talking to me, he started self-harming. We now thankfully have a great relationship and neither if us are in the borg.

    If i ever see that elder again though, i will punch him.

    I hope you resolve this and if you are still in the 'faith', i suggest you get out before you assist in doing more damage to yourself and your children, as i did.



  • choosing life
    choosing life

    My problem is that she says she does not want me to talk to her or call her. She is trying to get reinstated and got angry with me for not supportng her. I don't know what to do. She thinks this is getting her "right with Jehovah". It was truly the most upsetting conversation I have ever had with her. She is grown and on her own. She wants me to shun her. But she is asking me to do something I just can't do. And she doesn't approve of me not going to the meetings for the past year, although she has missed many meetings herself. But now she wants to go back and make everything alright again. I think she believes this will make me return, but I can't do that either.

  • Dansk

    Dear Choosing:

    The pain and feeling of helplessness that you are going through is something many of us here are all too familiar with. I don't know if you've ever read my own story: but many people contacted me to say how much it helped them! For myself, the comments I received from everyone here in return made mine and Claire's life so much easier. We were able to heal because of the wonderful people here! You WILL, too!!

    Your daughter is going through so much trauma right now, her mind swimming in a mire of confusion! Please don't despair and DO continue to not shun her as she has asked you to. If you can, show her this site. There are so many stories she will immediately be able to identify with. She will realise she is not alone!

    You are with loving friends!


  • sass_my_frass

    Slightly similar situation happened with my mum and I when I was d'd. I knew that the truth was bollocks, but also that my mum has a few emotional conditions, so at first I was willing to do what it took to get reinstated so she wouldn't top herself. She wanted daily contact from me so that she could be reassured that I was okay. Sounds sweet, but I really needed space because she truly is hard work. She found this 1970s article about disfellowshipping and how it's okay for family to stay in touch, but I shower her the more recent ones about it not being okay. She pulled this guilt-trip thing; she's had the book study at her place for 20 years and decided that since she was coming to my wedding and staying in touch with me she didn't want to stumble anybody in the book study so she'd give up the privilege while I was disfellowshipped. All bollocks; everyone in her book study has had disfellowshipped kids or still does or has been d'd, none of them could care less, she just wanted to manipulate me that little bit more.

    At the same time I was tiring of these games, life improved exponentially when I got married and he moved in, and I very quickly lost all inclination to get to the kingdom hall to be ritually despised. I knew I had to tell her I wasn't going back and talked to her non-witness sisters about it. I was going to tell her in person in a few weeks but the aunts jumped the gun and blabbed, so mum disowned me by email a couple of months recently, bless her deluded heart.

    Something to cheer you up; disfellowshipping is hell. If your daughter truly believes it is the truth, she'll respond to it by fighting her way back, it will be quite inspiring to her, she'll think that god blesses persecution or some idiocy. But if she has ever had any kind of doubts, now is the time she'll have to work through them, and now she has access to absolutely zero JW influence to help her along. Love her to death, and you can hopefully be the one to get through.

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