If I went back would I get DF'd because I married an non-JW?

by HalfWayThere 14 Replies latest jw friends

  • HalfWayThere

    Hi everyone,

    I'm getting married in a couple of weeks and my mother is under alot of pressure not to go because I've been living with my fiance. My 3 JW sisters are not attending the wedding and I feel that my mum will be under continued pressure not to have contact with me after the wedding.

    So I'm thinking of a plan... what if I went back to the meetings just so that my mum can feel 'ok' about having contact with me and so she can tell my sisters to back off. Now don't get me wrong, I dread the thought of attending another meeting but maybe a memorial here, sunday meeting there, would be enough ammo for my mum to defend herself. Actually, it might even be a little fun to play the insider.

    I'm just wondering though what the elders would have in mind for me if I set foot in the hall? I have lived with my fiance for about the past year, and I have openly criticized the org to my family (oops!) so I would have those issues to face. Has anyone here (or their partners) gone back and had to face similar 'judgement' for things they did while out?

    I know I'll have to lie my arse off and say that I was wrong to criticize the spirit-directed, never-wrong, would-never-lie-to-us, org and swear that I believe they have the 'troof'. And I would have to somehow weasel my way out of the whole lived-together thing. What do you think I would have to say to convince them I was 'safe' to let back into the cong? What do you think my chances are?

    Thanks heaps,


  • Inquisitor

    Hi halfwaythere

    Welcome to the forum. I don't recall marrying outside of the religion to be a disfellowshippable offense. Reprovable yes.

    However, your open questioning of the theocratic tyran authority would get you into trouble for sure.


  • choosing life
    choosing life

    If it is known that you are living with your fiance, you will be facing a judicial comittee. And most likely a disfellowshipping. Just saw it happen. Said it shows a pattern of wrongdoing and no repentance. Don't think that would help your situation and may force your Mom to shun you out of group pressure.

  • sspo

    If you lived with your boyfriend for a year there is a good chance you will get DF.

    Unless you tell them that nothing happen between you two.

    They won't beleive you , a year is a long time . Are you baptized?

  • HalfWayThere

    Thanks Inquisitor.

    I didn't think the marrying part would be a problem either. I'm more concerned as to how they will consider the horizontal gymnastics that they will be certain happened before the wedding. I can imagine them asking when the first occurrence was etc, which would be hard to stomach. I could say it didn't begin until I moved in and then, after the engagement, realizing the error of my ways, my fiance and I talked and decided to behave ourselves until the wedding. Yeah right! But they might believe that bull if I act sincere.

    As for speaking against the org, I might be able to suck up to the egos enough for them to believe it was a mistake during a time that I was 'spiritually weak'. I think I'll have to study up on the JW-speak - I've forgotten alot of it in 5 years.

  • sunshineToo

    Actually your willingness to marry your current fiance might work better for you if you kinda want to go back. They will think that you've repented and want to do a right thing. But then they will try to baptize your fiance. Do you think he can take it?

  • HalfWayThere

    Hi sspo, sunshineToo.

    Sorry I must have confused you by saying 'fiance' - I should have said 'fiancee' as in female. (Didn't know there was a difference til I just googled it!) If I was marrying another guy, I think I'd have even more to worry about if I went back to the meetings! lol

    I am baptized. Haven't stepped inside a hall for 5 years though.

    My g/f is not a fan of the JW's especially since seeing what my mum is going through over the wedding, but she'd play along if the elders ever came around to see me. I would try to minimize the contact they have with her though cause I really wouldn't want to put her through all that BS.

  • calico

    Aren't you under enough stress getting ready for your wedding? Why take a chance on the trouble the elders could cause you if you went back now.

  • calico

    Since you are baptized, they could disfellowship you for living with your fiancee whether you go back to the meetings or not!

  • blondie


    Yes, it is WTS policy that if a baptized JW has spent the night unchaperoned with a person of the opposite sex, that the elders will consider that they have committed fornication/adultery and will most likely start judicial proceedings.

    Pay Attention to Yourselves and to All The Flock (Elders Manual), contains the following instructions:

    “Before forming a committee, elders determine if the accusation has substance.”

    “It must Scripturally be an offense serious enough result in Disfellowshipping.”

    There must be either two witnesses or a confession of wrongdoing.

    On page 111, additional counsel is given under the heading “What kind of evidence is acceptable?”

    The very first entry under the above heading is:

    “There must be two or three witnesses, not just persons repeating what they have heard; no action can be taken if there is only one witness. (Deut. 19:15; John 8:17).

    “Strong circumstantial evidence, such as pregnancy or evidence (testified to by at least two witnesses) that the accused stayed all night in the same house with a person of the opposite sex (or in the same house with a known homosexual) under improper circumstances, is acceptable.”

    Marrying a non-JW alone is not a disfellowshipping offense. If they could not "prove" that fornication/adultery had taken place, they could still counsel you and give a "marking" talk at a service meeting.

    Welcome to JWD, wish I had better news.


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