Needing advice on recently DF'd neice

thinkingbloke

This is my first post so I guess that means I am not a lurker anymore.

I have been inactive for nearly 2 years now, but recently my teenage neice was DF'd. She has moved out of home with another DF'd girlfriend of the same age. I know she is getting a lot of pressure from my family to come back, and of course she would be feeling very alienated and probably confused. She tells me she is fine and that she will never go back, but I wonder how well she will deal with the pressure and with the entire extended family of uncles, aunties, grandparents and sibling ignoring her. Only her parents are talking to her and they refuse to help her out financially in the hope that the hardship will cause her to rethink her actions. I know she moved out because she couldn't handle the pressure form her parents, but I worry that she will do something stupid without some guidance from her parents.

I have never been really close to her but I want to help her any way I can to know she is right about leaving the org. I know I was really confused when I first got out but I am not sure if it would be more or less confusing for someone a lot younger.

Anyway any advice on what I could do to help her would be appreciated.

looking_glass

Keep doing exactly what you have been doing ... being supportive. Maybe she is okay. But maybe one day something will hit her and she will need someone to talk to about it. But since her roomie is a ex JW, I am sure there is a built in sounding board for her in that.

Good on ya for being a stand up kinda bloke. Oh and welcome

mama1119

Just be there to support her, let her know you have had the same feelings after leaving the org, and let her know there are alternatives to her parents helping her out...finding a job etc. Probably sharing alot of what you have learned willl help her as well.

Good Luck!!!

parakeet

***Only her parents are talking to her and they refuse to help her out financially in the hope that the hardship will cause her to rethink her actions.***
Now there's a good strategy--FORCING her to accept JW beliefs through hardship. It reveals that they don't care about what she thinks; they only care that she agrees their beliefs, even if she's not sincere and is only acceding because she is forced to. Inquisition tactics, minus the rack (just barely).
I agree with the other posters -- just telling her you'll be there for her if she needs you may be enough to get her through her present difficulties.

Madame Quixote

She is a teen-ager and is moving out on her own, with another teen-ager? What kind of shit is that? Is it not illegal to abandon your children in your country? WTF? Give her some rent money if you can. I wonder what she's got in the fridge? Is she in school? Working? This is absolutely ridiculous. Someone should just report her family to social services or something.

thinkingbloke

Actually I wouldn't say her parents abandoned her, I know that they actually want her to come home. She found living there so oppressive she decided to move out despite the hardships that would result. I know my her mum (my sister) is a nice person, as is her dad, but they are just completely blinded to how wrong what they are doing is. When my niece asked for her bed and other bits and pieces they refused her and so she is sleeping on a matress on the floor. They sold her desk in a a garage sale for $4.

The first couple of weeks they just ate instant noodles eevry day, so I have had them over for a couple of meals, and gave them a my spare TV, and I believe a bunch of other friends (non JW of course) have given them a few things to get started. She has a part time job and is in her last year of school so is working pretty hard. I know she wants to go to College but without support from her parents I am not sure what she will be able to afford. I wish I could sponsor her but I am in no position financially to do that. At least she wont have anyone telling her that colleges and universities are evil and that she should pioneer!

One other thing that worries me a little is that her parents might find out I am helping her and try to get me DF'd out of spite. I hope they are not that brainwashed, but you can never be sure with JW's, even your own family.

AudeSapere

Hi Thinking Bloke -

Welcome to JWD!! It's always nice to hear from people who've been lurking for a while.

You wrote: I know my her mum (my sister) is a nice person, as is her dad, but they are just completely blinded to how wrong what they are doing is. When my niece asked for her bed and other bits and pieces they refused her and so she is sleeping on a matress on the floor. They sold her desk in a a garage sale for $4.

I'm sorry. This does not sound like a 'nice' person. It sounds like a cold-hearted person. I understand that the mother is probably feeling desparate about losing her daughter to the world, but I really don't think that 'nice' people can buy into that mentality of utter cruelty.

My mom sold my bedroom furniture at a garage sale while I was out of town. I was still a witness and in very good standing. I still resent it to this day. (It's been nearly 30 years.) Your niece will need lots of love and understanding. I hope that you will be able to provide that for her.

Having her and her roommate over for dinner weekly (or every other week) will help them to feel connected and may be the only balanced meal they get to eat for a while. Making them feel welcome in your home will go along way. It's the kind and loving way to be.

-Aude Sapere (meaning: Dare to Know; Dare to Have Wisdom/Understanding)

AudeSapere

Ah! another thought...

How about asking at work if anyone has extra/spare kitchen supplies and sheets and towels. You could take up a collection for them. If you feel uncomfortable giving it outright to her for fear of being exposed as a child-sympathizer, you could leave the box on their doorstep or with their landlord and tell them it's from some people who are proud of them and know that they are going to be OK. There's a lot of good, kind, generous people in the world.

I have boxes of kitchen stuff that I'd be happy to donate but it's an awful far drive to NSW from California.

-Aude.

Mary

Only her parents are talking to her and they refuse to help her out financially in the hope that the hardship will cause her to rethink her actions. I know she moved out because she couldn't handle the pressure form her parents.

Ya, sounds quite typical: they want her home alright. They want her home so they can force her to go back to the Hall.

I know my her mum (my sister) is a nice person, as is her dad, but they are just completely blinded to how wrong what they are doing is. When my niece asked for her bed and other bits and pieces they refused her and so she is sleeping on a matress on the floor. They sold her desk in a a garage sale for $4.

Sorry, but your sister and brother in law do not sound very "nice" at all. In fact, they sound extremely mean spirited that they would pull such a stunt. Really pathetic if you ask me.

As for what you can do to help your niece....I would suggest the following: Be there for her emotionally. Tell her what she can expect to go through. It actually might be easier for a teenager to leave the religion than someone who's 40 or 50 years old to leave, simply because they haven't invested as much mentally or emotionally in the religion. I agree with what someone else here said: try to have her over once a week for supper. Doesn't have to be anything fancy, but this will mean alot to her. Tell her to check with Social Services to see if she's eligible for help with rent and food. She'll have to tell them the situation and why she had to leave home. I will assume there are publically funded programs in Australia just as there are here in Canada. Tell her to buy things at garage sales rather than buying anything brand new---that'll save her alot. She'll have to learn to do things like: write out a grocery list for the week, cut out coupons, look for sales, etc.

That's good that she's working part time. When will she be finished high school? Does she want to go on to college or university? If so, she should check to see if she can get a government loan to cover tuition, books and lodging. The best thing you can do is encourage her to make something of her life, and to be there for her. She's going to need it.

If she has access to a computer, you should encourage her to log on here for support as well. Keep us posted!

KW13

Be a good friend and as well as an uncle, love her as who she is and unconditionally. Right now she will need to feel accepted and happy outside of the org.

Needing advice on recently DF'd neice

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