ok, let me see...
I have screwed up really bad last month at work.
I have a broken relationship.
A broken car in my houshold.
I have whole lot of holes in my life right now...and to top it all off...my insurance decided to mess up on a prescription and when I went in today to fix it, the doctor slapped me with a gift of diagnosing to me that I have Bronchitis. I never know I have it untill it is bad. I have had clues all month and fortunately today I got some help despite the reason I went to the doctors.
But in spit of all the crap, liars, distrust and losses I feel...I am happy today. I think because I am still kicking. I see others still kicking and I know that someday the people who have caused my pain will reach a point of enlightenment and they too will learn. I would like to think that. I know I caused a lot of my pain and believe me..you, I am enlightened by the minute. I have made some other bonds of trust and have felt others pain the last few days and month.... even regarding work and maybe it is all the steroids, drugs and inhalers I am on, but life is good today. Yes it sucks with all my heart, but it is good because I see the good in myself and others.
My co-worker who makes it so easy to get into trouble. I see his lonliness and I se him learning to be more careful of how he temps us. He has such a great attitude about it and it makes it easier.
I see my boss coming around and being so cool today and letting me go to the doctor and startting to sort the liars and troublmakers out.
I see that my roommates car is broken, we will make it through this mess and I see a love from him that I am not able to emulate right now. I see his still caring for his girlfriend and still being my friend despite things I have done in the past that I should be shot for.
I see my daughter sitting in the living room learning about speech class and it is not from some damn theocratic ministry school. She actually has real teachers who are not morally judging her for her dress and attire.
I see so many people here who have lost their minds and yet have lived to share the experience with me and others who have sat in silence about my same situation.... come forward and be made aware and released from the bonds of self blame that held them.
I see people I trusted be made out for what they really are and I see myself in a painfully clear light and you know what? It feels good.
Like I said, it sucks, but I know I am learning and for everything I learn, I see the difference between me and people that are stuck in behavior patterns.
Yeah I sound self rightious, but what really is that? It is having a substance behind the attitude. Not just some small veneer of a shell that covers up the mistakes and bad with lies to oneself. There is such thing as a being rightious in a cause or a feeling. It is a founded awarenesss and maybe if this makes sense someone...anyone of you can see what I mean. Sometimes being an idiot is the best medicine that one could possibly choke down. That is next to the horse pills I am on for Bronchitis. lol
So as I sit and ponder on my reactions to other people. I have been made to queston what in the world made me believe in people I should not have. This is a good thing and I am learning.
I can honestly say I am not a guru right now, but I am on to something and it feels good. Sometimes a huge reality break is what is needed and I have had a few too many lately. But I seriously believe in the emersion process. Right now I have been made to sit and face my biggest demon and it has been ugly. but at the same time...again...it is so good.
get ready to see me grow! For it already has started. This is a way to know I am alive is to feel the fight in me and work with it.
I think I will put crazy on the backburner till another day.
Thanks for all the love and support and understanding i have gotten from everyone this last day, and thank you for the people that have come forward with missing pieces. That is brave to open up and show your vulnerability. I know it hurt, but I appreciate it and someday, maybe I can help you heal.
And in the meantime, I am just going to get better. Get rid of the Bronchitis, and get my sorry lil "de dunk de dunk" back on track.