Witnesses coming to "visit" need help please (kinda long)

by snarf 19 Replies latest jw friends

  • snarf

    I married into a witness family 5 years ago. I am now divorced and out of that family. When I got married my now ex husband was disfellowshipped at the time. He expressed interest in returning and his family said I needed to start a study to understand the religion and who my husband was. I went to a kingdom hall alone one Sunday and was approached by a sister so I asked for a study. I was studying for about 6 months when my ex got reinstated, then all hell broke loose. His family became mentally abusive of me, telling people I was schizophrantic and crazy, and he bacame very abusive of me and started cheating on me with several women. My last straw was when I went for my yearly female exam I was diagnosed with Trich, Chlamydia, and Ghonorea. I was very faithful, and had not been with anyone at all, so I knew where I got the S.t.d.'s. I approached the elders with the info and my ex and his family said there was no proof he gave it to me, maybe I had cheated on him, hence the games began. He moved in with his parents and kept up his lifestyle, overdosing on drugs, taking off on the weekends while his parents watched his kids. I came home from work one day and saw all our stuff had been gone through and that alot of my daughters toys were missing. I had already rented an apartment, but hadn't moved in yet, so I called a witness friend and had 13 people show up and help me pack and move. I was told after I was moved out that I had to continue to work on the marriage if the ex showed interest in working things out unless he was proven of adultery. I got pics of him with another girl he took to Florida for a weekend, but since they were not kissing or holding hands in the pics, it wasn't proof of adultery. I had a P.I. hired and had him followed for a night and the P.I. documented proof of "genetalia manipulation" and multiple dollar and private dances at a strip club, but since I paid the guy to follow him that was not proof in the elders eyes. I taped multiple messages from other girls off his cell phone that were explicit, but still that was not proof.I even talked one of his girlfriends into calling the elders and she did, but they were told that the girl was my friend calling to only get him in trouble. I had to get a restraining order against him one night cause he stormed my apartment and assaulted me, and he was charged in court and given 2 years probation, jail time and 26 courses of anger management classes. I guess I got fed up with trying to always prove him as an adulterer, it playing major mind games with me, so I got a divorce and decided to move on with my life. Well, overnight I lost all my "friends".

    I have since met an awesome guy, and am getting married. I haven't been around the witnesses for 2 years now, but I made the mistake of calling my old teacher when I heard she was preggo. I was just calling to congratulate her and now the witnesses won't stop coming by our house. I had my fiance tell them I was napping or showering when they would show up, but he just wants it to end, they stop by ALOT. I called my old teacher the other night and so now her and her elder husband are gonna stop by so we can talk about why I left. I am not a mean person, and also, since I am preggo myself, I don't want a big debate over the belifes etc.

    The witnesses were great friends while I was studying and making progress, but when I started questioning the beliefs, they all left me very quickly. I need suggestions or advice on how to let them know I am not interested in studying again without being mean, but I also would like to let them know exactly why as well. Issues include the constant gossiping, demands for time, adultery issue (without having to drag up the past), blood issue, partaking at Memorial - why only the 144,000.

    I have been away for so long I can't remember ALL the issues at that time, but I would also like this to be a learning experience for my fiance as he has never had any experiences with the witnesses except what I have told him. Also, my fiance is a war vet. He served a year in the heart of Baghdad for a year with the Army. He was in the Army for 5 years so maybe if anyone has anything about the witnesses being no part of this world, government issues etc. would be very helpful for him to hear from their mouths.

    Any help I could get would be VERY helpful. My mind is going in so many directions.

    Thank you for your time,


  • fullofdoubtnow

    Hi snarf,

    My advice would be to read on the "best of" section of this forum. That should provide you with plenty of questions any jw would find difficulty in answering. I would also think about gently telling them you aren't interested at the moment. That way you may be able to stay on friendly terms with this lady, if that is what you want, without having them bother you too much.

    I wouldn't go into personal details regarding what happened with your ex husband at all. It sounds like the elders took his side before, and the ones visiting you may have heard a very differrent version of events to yours.

  • snarf

    Thanks Fullofdoubtnow,

    I will definately hit up that link. Actually the ones visiting were almost as frustrated as I was when all that crap was happening. The problem then was his file was transferred to his parents hall so the elders in my area were not in control of the situation.

  • looking_glass

    Snarf - what is the motivator of meeting w/ this woman? You know what her position will be. She will never be your friend while you are not towing the JW line. I am not trying to be mean, but in the end, what will serve w/ meeting w/ the chick and her husband. JWs do not believe in unconditional love. You can never compare pregnancies or discuss your lives, because you will always have to hide your life from her because she will never be happy for you until you go back to the JW life.

    You have been thru enough in your life. I have a GF that went thru something almost identical to yours and the elders/bros/WTBS always blamed her as not fulfilling her role as a "capable wife". In the end, she faded and married a wonderful "worldly man". The only reason she did not DA herself is because of her JW family. Her ordeal lasted 5 years. She never found a shoulder to cry on in the "truth", but rather a group of people who continued to blame her or tell her to trust in Jah.

    Whatever you chose to do ... GOOD LUCK TO YOU and all your future plans. You deserve happiness. L_G

  • looking_glass

    Snarf, I just read your reply. I could be wrong about these people, but just be careful not to open yourself up to people you trust who turn on you. Let's not forget examples here of people that xjws thought were there friends only to find out that those same "friends" turned them in to the elders/WTBTS as apostates.

    Just be careful. Again, good luck to you.

  • snarf


    Thank you for reminding me that these people will never be able to be friends with me unless I go back to the "truth", something that will never happen. This is just another learning experience that in the future, no matter how good or bad the news, don't call them for any reason. Their only motive is more hours to log.

  • drew sagan
    drew sagan

    From what I gather you and you ex have no kids right? If that's the case then it seems like you don't have much to loose, other than keeping peace with people you liked and had respect for. There is no power they hold over you. Very common amongst JWs is the idea that someone is going to reactivate a former associate. They like taking the credit for 'saving' people, and will keep going for the reactivation no matter what. I would just say your really not interested in their religion because (insert teaching they feel strongly about here) and that there is nothing they can do to change your mind. They won't like this, but if you are very friendly they will just have to take it and will fade away. If you ever see them again there will be no tension.
    The straight forward but friendly 'I'm not interested in becoming one of Jehovah's Witnesses' should get them off your back. If all else fails, tell them you believe the trinity and that nothing they can say will change your mind.

  • lesterd

    From what I gather you were never baptized? They have no authority over you, by your remarriage before you could prove adultry by you ex, you have committed adultry in the eyes of the organization, since they have taken no action against you and you dont want to return it simple, tell them you joined another church, you dont have to defend yourself and you dont have to stress over an attack stratigy. You dont want it and thats all they have to know.

  • sspo

    Now, are living with your boyfriend?

    If you are and you have never proved your husband adultery, the elder visiting might turn you in for living with him or eventually if you marry him and you are not free scripturally, you will be df.

    If that's the case might be best not to have the couple visit at all.

  • snarf

    I never got baptised, thankfully, but I did come close. I can't be DF'd and no action can be taken against me. I do live with my fiance and I am 7 months preggo so, no hiding the fact that we have had "relations", although I wouldn't anyway. If it was anyone else, I would have no problem telling them to go away and leave me alone. These people were great though. I spent nights at their house when I couldn't go home, they watched my daughter for me and made sure she got to school when I was in the hospital for two weeks, they brought my daughter gifts and really made her feel like part of the group, they made meals and brought them over when I was laid up after surgery for almost a month. I don't think I could have made it through my marriage and seperation without them giving me a shoulder to cry on and all the help they gave when I needed to move. My fiance has a hard time figuring out how people can be so helpful and then give up on you so suddenly all because of religion. It is just so sad cause these really are good people and I think my fiance would get along great with them, I have talked about them alot to him, but I think he needs to hear from them their reasoning on why their friendshiips are so conditional. Also, it would help me have some closeure on the issue by making my differences known, but in a kind way.

    Am I making sense? I feel like a babbling idiot going in circles.

Share this