Not enough words to tell you about it.

Sparkplug

So at work I am a pretty chicken kind of person as far as the rules. I usually walk the line and follow all of the code of business conduct things put upon me. Well last month the declared a surplus at my job.

That means if you are not amongst the ones who have to scamper for another position in the company...you had better watch it because they will be looking for ways to get rid of people. Everything is based on seniority and basically it is a last in, last out, kind of surplus. Well I work with a great group of people and we have a lot of fun.

Until the last year I have been consistently one of the top producers in the building. This last year I was given a different position and I am having a hard time learning it. There is no budget for training classes and the one for the portion of my job is a four month class. Just to learn how to move around in the computers. That does not include actually learning the technical products. There is no class...thus I have to learn from people around me. Well they are overtaxed and do not have the proper training nor knowledge to teach me, so I have been left to help do admin things like merging spreadsheets in excel and pre-prepping work so that others can do the work. Basically crap stuff.

So I am now a very low producer, we are down to the wire, and at the same time I got a new micro management boss who has been listening to all the troublemakers in the group. You know the ones who immediately stick their heads up the new bosses butt and talk smack and stir trouble. This way they divert attention from how much they do not do. To top it all off we are under surplus so everyone is watching everyone. The usual telling and ratting out each other also so that perhaps if someone is lost, a person on the surplus list will be able to save their slot.

Well even worse, corporate security decided to do an audit and pulled the whole areas e-mails. (or so I hear) and of all the people to get busted for sending an email outside the company...you guessed it.....me. See I have this group of pal's that email all day long and goof off. But they are fast and are still the best producers in the building. Well we all got busted. As of today there are about 15. All of my pals knew about getting called in except me. They never thought I would be called because I am so dang square and I have only done it a handful of times. I am the nerd of the group and I take the rules quite serious. I am the provider for my family and I know this is a big responsibility, so I walk the line. But I did join in the goofing about 3 months ago and was not as rigid on my actions for a couple of weeks there and I did email a bit. We have been told we can use it for very limited things, but not like my pals email. It figures the one with my name on it would be the one they pull. Of all the luck!

Yes I was in the wrong...but what a time to get caught at it. So never the less, now I am being watched. I found out today that I got the least amount of punishment out of everyone. I got put on a pn. Private notice. Six months till it is off my head, and then the union will ask that it is removed from my record that follows me. So it is not too bad, but not too good either. When others had decision making leaves, written up. and 9 months probation, and have been let go, I am pretty privileged to still have a job.

But I have been stressed for it was a stupid thing to do, but what really kills me is that all day every day I see people getting and sending personal stuff. Including management and stuff a zillion times worse than just responding to an email that was sent back and forth all day. I am not one to squawk about that when called in, but it has made me wonder WHY US? It is awfully strange that the highest producing bunch is the group that got the trouble. Something smells fishy. Heck the upper management even "sung my praises" to me on my degree as she stern talked me.

I don't get it.????????

But the point to my story is that each time my eyes have welled up with tears and I feel just as if I was pulled in by a group of elders. I have had a mindful of things to say and have not been able to say it. I feel so damn small. Just like a freaking lil pussy kid again and I cannot explain to them that I am not crying because I am so weak.....it is because I am so DAMN MAD. It is hypocrisy and bullshit! Heck one of the ladies talking to me did not look me in the eyes because she herself has emailed me and vice versa. She knows it is crap, but I kept my mouth shut because she could not stop what was happening and she has really been good to me. (I know it was out of her control.) Anyhow, I hate that abused person reaction I have and I work so damn hard to bite my lip, suck it up, and breathe correctly, anything to not cry. But it still happens. The more mad I get the more I can’t stop it from happening, the more it happens, the more mad I get and I HATE IT!!

I always end up dry heaving when I get away and into a bathroom. I physically get sick and then I cry till I am dry. I have talked to a therapist about it and it is normal after all that I have been through. I don't go see her now, but I sure could use some help if anyone has a trick they use to not loose it when called into situations like that. I know it has to do with elders meetings and such...I get that same feeling. I know it must too have to do with never being able to question authority.

Mind you I have gotten better, but I am tired of looking weak at the most inappropriate times. In my head, I know I am stronger than most that I end up having to talk to, I know I have what it takes and a better case and all the rest...but every once in a while if caught by surprise...I cant help it and I loose it. I wish I could just tell them that they really need not "mistake my tears for weakness." For from where I stand, compared to most of my childhood friends and family, I am the strong one, I am still standing and facing the past present and future. I have carved a path and I am reaching for goals. They have all cracked or fallen. I wrote a poem on it once. Bear with me for I am not a poet. Just a bit melodramatic. hehe

Here I stand, the entire world to see

I,woman,child of the earth.

I am dirt, earth. Ever changing with the elements.

When all is weathered,

all water stops

sun stops

the breaking

I remain.

The earth, full of texture.

Constant.

Making things grow.

Being things stable to those without roots.

Grit between your teeth. Warm on your toes

your legs and chest in the sun.

Shifting changing but still remaining. I stand.

(Feb 9,99 Decki)

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BUT……….For all my advancement, I feel so much like I am in the borg right now. I freaking whimpered up and cried when called to the bosses office. DAMN! Freaking NINNY

Anyone else have this problem?

Also, please forgive me for sounding like such a downer and whining. also too, I bet it is in really bad taste to reveal such a weakness to an entire world of people, but what the hell...It can't be more embarrasing than crying in front of your boss. Repeatedly.AAAAgggghhh freaking Ninny again!

Effervescent

OH GIRL- I think you and I were sister in a former life!

I have this problem too, and HATE myself for it more often then not. I NEVER cry when I'm sad, or hardly ever. I'm more apt to clam up and be the stoic one when everyone else is bawling. But when I'm pissed- the waterworks turn on.

I've always atributed it to the whole control thing with the Witnesses, and I was always SOOOO afraid to rock the boat. So when something happens that I can't control and makes me angry, I think it's always been my outlet. At least for me, for so long it was the ONLY way I had to express my frustration.

I don't know what to say to help honestly, and I'm actually just as interested in the responses you get. I can say it gets better with time though. I've learned more and more to open my mouth and TELL people when I'm pissed, which is one of those "Practice makes Perfect" kinda things. Just be careful- I've found out that once the floodgates open, there's no telling what might fly out of your mouth. Ask me how I know!

Sparkplug

Just be careful- I've found out that once the floodgates open, there's no telling what might fly out of your mouth. Ask me how I know!

I am learning that the hard way too. so maybe it is a double wammy? I tell people what I feel way to quickly and uncensored and at the same time cannot stop the bawl baby thing...strange.

I get so proud for having spoken up in situations. I do it quite often now...then I go an cry like a baby. Lets see what anyone has to say...I am really wanting to hear this. maybe not!

Ms. Whip

I know exactly how you feel. It has happened to me too. The crying thing is part frustration, anger...it's being disappointed in yourself for not being perfect, or at least for others not seeing you as perfect. It's also part that we have never learned to stand up for ourselves...to stand up to authority. We were in a totalitarian religion and taught never to talk back or question. We also are not adept at covering our asses before something happens. We never had to do that.

As a witness we could stand up for the "truth" with anyone because we felt we had a large organization, all the angels and jehovah behind us. But, at work...it's just us. The "world" has grown up knowing how to get others to have their backs. We were taught to rely on jehovah.

As far as a downsizing, I've been there too. I was part of a large worldwide corporation. I did my job so well that I was moved to another department for more pay. I was resented in that department for getting paid the same as people who had been there for 10 years. It was the same as you went through. No training. Low production because of the poor training. I sucked it up and worked hard and taught myself despite the jealousy, backbiting and sabotaging that went on. The industry took a big hit and thousands were layed off. It was last in first out. My position was "deleted' as was I. I was given a fair severance package which I used to purchase a computer and start my own business. I couldn't be happier now.

Start preparing now. Think up your Plan B. If you are layed off you will be compensated by unemployment insurance. If your company has the policy you could get some money to leave. Start looking at other job prospects now, just in case. It's easy to get caught up in the day to day encounters with people that we work with and forget the bigger picture. We work to live not live to work right?

Sparkplug

We also are not adept at covering our asses before something happens. We never had to do that.

Isn't that the truth. I run into that a LOT!!

And as far as the jobs go, I am already doing it. Applying other placesalthough I am not low on seniority, but I am in danger now that I have had that talking to or at least I feel that way. My immediate boss is getting better and last week stated that she realises what I was going through when she got to out team. Now several people have broke as I did when she started in on me a month ago and I have gotten an apology from her.

Today though her boss was the one that called me in and honestly it was a good thing. She realises why I am floundering and gave me a person who I do trust and like and who is non pretentious and patient and she will help me whenever I need it now and is allowed to sit with me. I am really hoping it works because I have not been happy at work for quite some time. (that is not normal for me). So she really was trying to help, but I felt like such a boob. Like I had messed up so bad that they had to get me my own private person. Like a last ditch effort. I know my bosses boss is not that way, or at least this one isn't. It is the same one who did not look at me and did not want me called in for punishment, but I felt like a failure. Despite her intent.

I think you are right about the being perfect thing. Maybe it is not so much being perfect for me, but I am used to excelling at most all things quite easily. Failing or giving up is not an option. So to fail so miserably and then mess up on my behavior is quite an ego blow. Everyone else is laughing it off and I am taking it quite serious. Just keep kicking myself.

serendipity

((( Decki )))

I don't really have any advice to deal with the breakdowns. Maybe a therapist could help?

There are a lot of unjust things in corporate America and frankly, we peons on the low rungs of the ladder, have very little power. We are nothing to those in control - cogs in a machine-despite all the corporate rhetoric about how employees are valued. We can try to control our reactions, and avoid vesting too much of our lives and power to a corporation.

Many of the abuses that occurred in the WTS also occur in every corporation - of course, many of us can't totally leave corporate America. If you learned any coping strategies as part of your WTS experience, perhaps they can be applied here.

Edited to add: Once I learned that mistakes do not make me worthless, and that most people do not expect perfection of me, I didn't feel so bad getting 'negative' feedback.

mama1119

Here is my advice....Klonopin

BizzyBee

**yawn** Try not to take yourself so seriously.....................amazing what can happen.........................

Sparkplug

Mama- did they give you that for stress? does it work? I am serious here. I am just curious. I know you were dealing with shingles, and strange thing, one of my bosses had an outbreak last week. Stress induced. I was just wondering if that helps and if it would help him. Not sure it would help me unless fast FAST acting. It is not like I am yanked into the office all the time. Just a bad spell.

Bizzy- Do ya think?

Sparkplug

Edited to add: Once I learned that mistakes do not make me worthless, and that most people do not expect perfection of me, I didn't feel so bad getting 'negative' feedback.

I know all this, I pep talk myself and others with this stuff... it is maybe that being in a situation like that really makes me have this physical, teary, nausious reaction. It is this overwhelming fear of something bad, or...I can't place my finger on it. I don't like the negative, but I know I am not perfect. I also know I am rough on myself. It is just the being called in anywhere and sat down. I just clam up. It used to happen in doctors offices and if I got pulled over for a ticket, teachers meetings...none of these things have bothered me for a long time, but I cant seem to lick the part when I am overly angry. It is an opposite reaction than what my body should give.

Not enough words to tell you about it.

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