One more thing...
Even if your boy-friend will become able to identify himself and his feelings as those of a non-witness, you _will_ experience problems with his family, no matter how caring and loving they may be as persons. My parents-in-law didn't attend our wedding (we missed them, but don't want to hold it against them, because we know it was very sad for them not to be there), and we have been asked not to visit them unless some very special situation arises. Some of their comments can hurt, even though we know they don't mean to hurt us.
But this difficult situation has only made my wife and me realise even more how much we love eachother. I tell her occationally: "Imagine, you actually chose _me_ over _them_." And she replies: "You know, it's you I want to spend my life with."
I have gotten to know my parents-in-law, and they have learnt to appreciate me as one that they think is both caring, respectful and loving. I am glad they got that impression of me. Right before we got married, I wrote them a letter stating that I disagree with how they read the Bible, and I told them exactly why. But then I added that I want them to follow their conscience. If they felt that attending the wedding would be disobedience towards God, then I would defend their not attending it. Because no matter what God really means about the matter, if they attended the wedding despite their (false) beliefs about God's will, then they would act on the will to be disobedient. And that's not a good thing for a human.
And as we discovered, this was perhaps the best thing I could tell them. They really need to feel that we respect their feelings, and that we don't condemn them. I don't try to hide from them how I feel about the matter, but I try to do it in a respecting manner, so that they are accessible for questions, and so that they may _understand_ my objections. I've told them that I want to understand them, so I have to ask in different ways until I feel that I have received an answer. But then I also add that I want them to understand me as well, so that they can understand why I have the questions that I have. Cause that will make it easier for them to answer in a way that I can understand. (Of course, this implies that they have to think on their own at times.)
advice please
by miller 13 Replies latest jw experiences
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dust
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Nowman
Well, when I 1st left the JW org back in 1992, it affected my life for a long period of time. I was raised in such a brain washed cult, I could not help it. It took time for it to lose its hold on me. I completely understand your situation and it seems your man is lucky to have a girl like you. Overtime, it will be easier.
Nikki
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cyberdyne systems 101
Welcome to the board. You have come to the right place as many have experienced a similar thing which can help. It can take a long time to de program from the effects of being a witness. I would also say that once he gets officially booted out things may change for him as far as being shunned by family/friends etc. Once you can get him to address the history and failings of the religion, he can come to terms with it and move on (over time). Being disfellowshipped often helps that process as the injustness of it kicks in, and your completely away from their influence. I think its great that your willing to find out about this and gain a level of understanding about it, realising it is a huge thing to overcome, i'm sure many of us wished we had that type of support. Hope it all works out - keep us informed
CS 101
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lesterd
Have him read "Crisis of conscience" by Ray Franz if he is not afraid of the real truth, I'm thrid generation with roots back to Rutherford.
Its the hardest thing he'll ever have to do, because of the shunning by his JW family and friends, his own doubts are what has made him inactive, but he is questioning whether he is right in doing so, he needs to fortify himslef with knowledge that what he is doing is right.