I decided post JWs that I was walking the walk and talking the talk but deep down...wasnt buying it. I really wasnt. But I couldnt say anything to anybody because that was part of what was expected of us. I studied the crap out of my WT for Sundays. I commented and always had insightful things to add. I always went to meetings. Was on the school. Did it all. But way down in my heart...where it had to stay hidden. I never "envisioned myself in Paradise". I never saw us as "the only true Christians". I didnt believe that God would destroy everybody who wasnt a JW at armageddon. I didnt believe in the Watchtower God.
I was told by the Elders at my last "shepherding call" that those who left Jehovah now, because the end was so close, wouldnt have time to get back in before the door to the ark closed. He said Jehovah is RAISING his standards removing the weeds and the chaff and it will become increasingly more difficult to return even if one wanted to....and he looked RIGHT at me when he said that in my own home. I wanted to say "The only thing left of me in this organization is a shadow. My heart, my mind, my soul....have been gone for 12 of the 13 years since I was baptized. And until just now...you couldnt have given a good god damn that I was unhappy."
How many have their butts in the seats and their souls outside the door I wonder.