How do you deal with a "Joy Kill?"

free2beme

A friend of mine just got out of a relationship in which she was abused. We all have supported her exit, and encouraged her to get counseling. She is doing well, yet the details of her life and what happened are not something I think should come up with strangers in every day conversation. For example, when we were doing fireworks the other day. We were talking to some people there and out of the blue, she turns this fun conversation on a soar note with a comment like this ... "Well I am sure that would be great, if you didn't have your boyfriend beat you until you were unconscious and leave you in the backyard to be woken by the morning sprinklers coming on" ... the whole group was like, what the hell do you say to that? Which is something that is hard to deal with and something that makes the person into a joy killer. I like her as a friend very much and have talked to her in detail, but she does this all the time. We keep telling her, keep those thoughts between friends and do not just drop them in on normal conversation as they bother some people and it is not the subject they were talking about. She promise this, and yet it happens again and again. I am glad she is in counseling, maybe if she brings that up there, they can work it out. Either way, this is not the first time I have seen this happen in life. I have been on the side of people who did not know the background of someone who dropped a jok kill bomb like this and set stunned not knowing what to do. I have even seen in threads, where a fun subject will suddenly have a response with the most horrific and out of place of comments. I am not good with dealing with these type of things, and wondered how others handled them.

Stealth453

I ignore them.

anewme

I think you handled your friend in the only way you can. Take her aside and remind her what is appropriate.
Sometimes under stress like the attack your friend went through can be so upsetting that the memory of it invades every hour of the waking day for awhile.

Obsessive/compulsion to talk about it and get some resolve is paramount to that person. Friends and family just have to bear the healing process out.

Be patient and encourage her to talk with her counselor and maybe an online forum. (Boy, dont we know how much talking helps!)

parakeet

I'd make allowances for the time being. Her experiences are still very fresh in her mind. It must be hard to feel safe and cared for after long-time abuse. Her friends should understand that as well. However, if she does not seem to be improving over time, then the help of a mental-health professional may be needed.

Stephanus

You need to remind her that you and her friends are not that boyfriend, and that your day out is not that situation she brought up. That dredging up that painful past now doesn't help anyone - you're all there to have fun in the now, not to be bound to an unpleasant past.

Sparkplug

the whole group was like, what the hell do you say to that? Which is something that is hard to deal with and something that makes the person into a joy killer. I like her as a friend very much and have talked to her in detail, but she does this all the time. We keep telling her, keep those thoughts between friends and do not just drop them in on normal conversation as they bother some people and it is not the subject they were talking about. She promise this, and yet it happens again and again. I am glad she is in counseling, maybe if she brings that up there, they can work it out. Either way, this is not the first time I have seen this happen in life. I have been on the side of people who did not know the background of someone who dropped a jok kill bomb like this and set stunned not knowing what to do. I have even seen in threads, where a fun subject will suddenly have a response with the most horrific and out of place of comments. I am not good with dealing with these type of things, and wondered how others handled them.

I must be backward, but I would say depending on how much you love her and how much you care....that maybe you should hold her. Just drop the world for three minutes and say, I know it hurts. Pull her to the side and let her know how much you love her, perhaps giggle with her a bit and let her know that the rest of the group really is not going to understand this, so we better put on our happy faces and enjoy the beautiful day without him around. Give her another squeeze and take her back into the group. She may do this for quite a bit, but I think it would be less time if you validated how she is feeling, showed her you understand, gave her some support no matter how much it is embarrasing and lead her back to reality.

Just love her no matter what.

Now if she is not that close to you and it is not a person that you want to go out of your way to either make closer to you, or if you really don't care, then perhaps give her a talking to. Right now it sounds like she is in a world of hurt and just needs to be acknowledged. But at the same time do not let it keep the fun from happening. Just help her through it. Most people have been through stuff that just tears them up. I know I have and I have not ever been able to get upset at someone for being human. Hopefully you are surrounded by people who keep it real and will undrstand. Love and acknowledgement will get her through it and perhaps the counseling will speed it all up. Her counselor will be letting her know how inapproprioate this is if she is speaking with her. Eventually she should pull out of it.

I could be off, but for the moment that is how I feel. Maybe I am really off base. I am not sure.

willy_think

"Well I am sure that would be great, if you didn't have your boyfriend beat you until you were unconscious and leave you in the backyard to be woken by the morning sprinklers coming on"

Why do you think this should not be part of everyday conversation? Keeping things like this hidden is bad news, talking about it freely takes power from the abuser. All I would have said is “dam right it is! everything is better when we are not being abused.”

Forscher

Don't make a big issue of them.
It is going to take her a long time to be able to see joy in things again. My wife's first husband was very abusive. Although it is in my wife's nature that she tries to enjoy life, there are still some things she just hasn't gotten past in the last 25 years. That man completely destroyed her ability to completely trust men. So every once in a while she pushes me as to see wether I will break down my control and treat her like he did. There are other issues as well from that time in her life.
For me, it is all part of living with a woman I love very much, who has been through hell. She is scarred for life just as your friend will be. The best thing is to be supportive and stress the joy in life. She'll come around in time.
Forscher

Quandry

Yes, like the others said, please be patient. Sometimes she probably comes out with what happened to her because it is hard to believe it happened. I know that after the horrible way my daughter was dealt with by "Christian" elders, told she was going to burn in the lake of fire, I could not control my emotions for a long time. Sometimes on my lunchtime at work, I would go outside and cry. I didn't want to be a killjoy for others, but couldn't keep the thoughts out of my head. Yes, it takes time and good friends......

Forscher

Its alright quandry. Better to rant here than make a delicate situation worse.
Forscher

How do you deal with a "Joy Kill?"

Share this