Has it ever just hit you that......

by LyinEyes 16 Replies latest jw friends

  • LyinEyes

    Has it ever just hit you that you need to crawl out of the hole you have been in and that you didnt even notice it?

    Just a couple of days ago, I awoke to the feeling of needing to change some things. Most of you know that I lost my sister right before Xmas and that hit me hard, knocked me to my knees and I honestly think that is where I have been for awhile.

    I have went thru the motions of taking care of my kids, taking care of hers, trying to adjust , life , life etc., but feeling still ...numb. I guess that is what got me thru losing her, feeling numb and exhausted.

    Well, I am tired of being exhausted, tired of being bored, tired of not laughing anymore. I am in a new stage of losing someone by death, acceptence and moving on with my own life. My sister will be with me everyday for the rest of my life, no matter where I go , or what I do , I feel her with me and I take comfort in that.

    Honestly , I looked in the mirror the other day and I didnt see myself anymore. I am out of shape, chunky, my hair is never fixed, and so unlike me, there are days I don't put makeup on......lol.

    Well, I bought an exercise bike and I opened the curtains to let the sun in and I hope that I will after all these months start feeling joy again..

    I don't think I was severely clinically depressed as I think I handle my sister's death well, it was just powerful grief and shock.

    Now, I just miss the way I used to be and I see that the person I was before she died took a break to make it thru that ordeal. I want to have some fun, to laugh, to just feel again.

    Ya know what I mean?

  • Bryan

    I'm glad to hear you're doing better Lyin'. We all must grieve then heal. Sounds like you're on the right path.

    Take care,


  • cruzanheart

    Come to Dallas for Little Toe's visit next month!!! We'll get you laughing again!

    Hey, Bryan, how's the new house? More importantly, how are the people IN the house? We need to see new pics of Sebastien, please!



  • LyinEyes

    Hey Bryan , great to hear from you, how is that wife and baby?

    Nina, I do plan on it, Denny is working in Paris, Texas right now and if he is still there it will be no problem getting to Dallas. If he moves to work somewhere eles then we will just have to make other plans to get there. All is looking well for us being there.

    I really need to get away and hook up with friends. How are the kids Nina and Chris , I hope ya'll are doing fine. I have a stuffed toy , a sheep that I wanted to give to Chris along time ago, but my sister fell in love with it and took it home. Now I have it back and everytime I see it , I think of Chris still. I would pass it on to him as I planned to so long ago........but the chocolate labs thought it was a new baby toy to play with and kind of slobbered it abit.

  • Fleur

    Yeah, it has, Lyin. (((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))) Really shockingly and recently for me.

    I didn't realize until about a week ago that I shut off completely when my grandmother passed away at the end of '04. I didn't realize that I had stopped wearing makeup, caring at all about anything to do with how I looked, i had already been gaining weight from medications I was taking but I just did NOT give a care at all. I had a major meltdown (my husband had to take the day off from work) when they cremated my grandmother. Not that I don't believe in it, but just that I couldn't bear the thought of it happening to her. The family stupidity and weirdness surrounding her burial didn't help either. I just couldn't handle it, I reverted somehow in my head to being about four years old and I just shut off.

    Also recently discovered that I was so numbed out from years, (yeeeears) on antidepressants and then I got some more medical news that shocked me (not life threatening just different and unsettling) and it shocked the living hell out of me. I am off all my prescriptions but 2 and they are not in any way mental health related.

    Well, I found out when you put all those emotions on freeze for a long time, they all come back to get you. Been having panic attacks (though I didn't realize until last night that was what they are) been crying, been laughing, been literally, waking up.

    Sounds like you're waking up too, and I hope that much happier times are ahead of you. You know your sister would want you to live, live live.

    Take care of yourself please, be kind to yourself. Do what feels right now and enjoy that sunshine *huge hugs*


  • LyinEyes

    Hugs to you Essie, you explained exactly things I have been thru as well, and this is not the first or second thing in my life that has done it to me. It is just that as you are going thru it, you don't realize how much of yourself is hiden away somewhere, maybe just chillin' , taking a break, recooping. I think that is what I did,,,,,,,,I think our minds can only take so much and I have used this coping mechansim before , although not knowing I was .

    I did that for years as a JW. I was numb, I put my life on hold, and I was very physcially sick , holding back all of my emotions for so long.

    I am glad this time, I allowed myself to grieve, like a normal person , not JW grief. I know that bey being able to grieve in my way, in my own time, I am not putting the grieving off , only to hit me later . I did that with my Mom when she passed and we were JW,,,,,,it was 18 years later and I finally grieved for her,,,,,it was not a good thing.

    It feels good to wake up, and not hate yourself for numbing out a bit.....lol.

  • FlyingHighNow

    Dede, I bet even at your worst, you're still beautiful. You have a natural, inner glow that radiates, no matter what.

    I agree that you've hit a different phase of the grieving/healing process. It sounds very healthy, too. Take care and I think this is good news.

  • Sad emo
    Sad emo


    Yep, my 'turning point' came at the start of this year. All of last year I spent just existing then one morning in January I woke up and 'knew' it was time to start living again. I'm still getting phases where I switch off again, but I don't feel as guilty any more because I've learnt to focus on switching back on again rather than dwelling on the situation I find myself in.

    'Things' can wait now, I need to take care of me first.

    Do take care of yourself too, give yourself time to heal.

  • Es

    Im so glad you are feeling better, its a great beginning for you.

    Thinking of you


  • Double Edge
    Double Edge

    When I lost a close family member, life was a 'blur' for several months.... like they say, "time heals all wounds". Glad to hear you're moving forward L.E.

    Take care.....


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