Has it ever just hit you that you need to crawl out of the hole you have been in and that you didnt even notice it?
Just a couple of days ago, I awoke to the feeling of needing to change some things. Most of you know that I lost my sister right before Xmas and that hit me hard, knocked me to my knees and I honestly think that is where I have been for awhile.
I have went thru the motions of taking care of my kids, taking care of hers, trying to adjust , life , life etc., but feeling still ...numb. I guess that is what got me thru losing her, feeling numb and exhausted.
Well, I am tired of being exhausted, tired of being bored, tired of not laughing anymore. I am in a new stage of losing someone by death, acceptence and moving on with my own life. My sister will be with me everyday for the rest of my life, no matter where I go , or what I do , I feel her with me and I take comfort in that.
Honestly , I looked in the mirror the other day and I didnt see myself anymore. I am out of shape, chunky, my hair is never fixed, and so unlike me, there are days I don't put makeup on......lol.
Well, I bought an exercise bike and I opened the curtains to let the sun in and I hope that I will after all these months start feeling joy again..
I don't think I was severely clinically depressed as I think I handle my sister's death well, it was just powerful grief and shock.
Now, I just miss the way I used to be and I see that the person I was before she died took a break to make it thru that ordeal. I want to have some fun, to laugh, to just feel again.
Ya know what I mean?