I actually wrote this late last night and when I tried to submit it I was rejected. The reason for that is still a mystery to me and I vowed not to rewrite it as it would mean visiting myself and that is never easy.
Sometimes as I look through the site and read to many posts I marvel at the beauty of the words and the complexity of the reasoning. Many of you are absolutely brilliant, many of you are educated but all of us share a past that is not easy to look back on.
I ask if anyone here has walked away from a higher education not to be nosey but to help me to deal with my own anger.
I walked away from 3 opportunities for a free college education. The first time in 1971 I had never even spoke with a witness so the decision was that of a foolish, 18 year old. girl whose eyes were filled with stars.
The second time was in 1983 I had received my divorce papers, my mother just died. I lived in Burlington as a witness mom with 3 very young boys and a bus that did not run into town after 7 pm. and many of the classes I wanted were evening . We lived on less than 9,000 a year and there was simply NO WAY I could afford a car or anything to do this.
The field was art education and I love portrait work. This was the opportunity that meant the most to me. Of course I would have studied creative writing as well!
The 3 rd was in nursing. The nursing facility that I had just started work at offered me a chance to go to college in medicine and/or nursing and study for any position that I wanted and yes that could be from L N up to and including physician assistant. They would pay it all! I just had to work a designated amount of time for them in return.
But being a good little witness girl by that point I knew that I could not maintain any meeting attendance, work full time, school, raising the boys etc. with absolutely NO help from anyone . Plus we all know the evils of education.
Of course, I am angry. For years I stopped writing, painting, drawing and for several years was so devastated I even lost my voice. Internal and external.
Neither my husband nor my boys know of these events/ ‘non-events’.
I did take a few college day courses on my own, creative writing, drawing, English and psych. Pastel portraiture etc.
Had on the job management training ya da, ya da …That should bring down a $60,000 a year job, huh?!
I can forgive the WT for discouraging these chances but I cannot seem to forgive them for killing my spark and crippling my spirit.
I no longer have spontaneity, joy, the ability to ad lib, express my core feelings or to enjoy being with myself. Often when I try to write a message there are no words I am void.
My boys see these changes and have told me that they are ashamed of me. Ashamed of whom I am because I am no longer able to communicate well. Not once has anyone asked me why.
I guess this goes under introductions … there is more but this is all that I can handle for now.
You are all good people and I am so glad that we have each other.