so exhausted you can't rest

Utopian Reformist

I have been on the road now since late March. I am in Helsinki, Finland and am very very very tired. I am flying out again tomorrow to Mexico City via London & Atlanta, GA. I will be working in Mexico City until the 27th of May. On the 28th, I fly back to Helsinki until the 10th of June.

On the 11th of June, I finally fly back to the US for three days, until I fly from Providence to Portland, Oregon again, where I will be working. On August 4th, I fly back to Helsinki again until the 23rd of August and then fly home to Providence. I will stay home for a change until mid-September when I fly to Prague in the Czech republic. I will only be there 7 days and then its back home until late November when I fly to Beijing, China and stay there working until the new year.

I have been to Colombia, Venezuela, Argentina, Germany, England, France, Holland, Finland, Italy, at least once or twice in the same calendar year, plus Oregon, Arizona, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, New York, Connecticut, Maine, Massachusetts, Florida, Georgia, Illinois, Washington DC, Delaware, North Carolina, Louisianna, Alabama, at least once or twice in the same year.

I thought a traveling job was going to help me and distract me and prevent me from dwelling on sadness, depression, suicide and keep me so busy I could not have time for negative things. However, I have to tell you the truth, in the beginning, it was actually fun, exciting and great to be back on the road again like years ago and see some old and some new places.

Now, I really am just plain tired. I keep moving around with the same luggage, filled with the same clothes, carrying so much gear, laptops, networking equipment, personal tools, extra software, portable hardware, gadgets, etc. I am exhausted.

I literally want to fly away and not come back anymore and just give up on trying to integrate into normal western life again and start over. I am not feeling motivated anymore and am only going through the motions. I am sick of hotels, service people, public transportation, translating stuff in and out of english, eating food I really hate, etc.

I am whining and complaining because I am overdue. I have worked several three digit weeks this past month (105 hours one week & 121 hours another week). These installation deadlines are ridiculous and the lack of support and resources is taxing me to death. I stared in the mirror today and saw so much new grey hair that my age and farther beyond has finally caught up and overtaken whatever youthful genes and DNA I had inherited from my family.

I look terrible, tired and apathetic. I want to just do some strong drugs and sleep for days. Anyway, I am sorry about the rant, I know everyone has worked so hard to help me get back to work and get back on my feet financially (I did pay off more that $40K in debt this year).

I think I am really ready to quit now. I am not enjoying life and I did try to live for so many that count on me, my friends, my family, all of you and many others, but, I really don't have the strength anymore and am too tired to keep trying. I really do need to go to sleep permanently and get the rest I need from this life, from the memories and from myself too.

I think I can hang on a few more months to finish a web-site for Talia and for Marina and then setup some final arrangements which will take me beyond summer. I really don't want to see another winter or end up in China at the end of the year. I'm done.

Sorry to be depressing. Anyway, a big hello and hugs and kisses to all of you and sorry if I have not been around, listen if anyone is from Mexico City on the board, send me an e-mail and I will send you my hotel information.

Also, if anyone is from Helsinki, I am at the Hilton Strand in downtown and will return in two weeks. I would enjoy meeting anyone from the board while I am out on the road. Thank you all for everything and I hope to write again real soon.

Adios

candidlynuts

good to hear from you!

your in my thoughts and prayers often.

sounds like you have a plan forming... work long enough to accomplish some goals then find something else to do.. i encourage you to keep working on that plan! you dont need to drive yourself so hard.

does your hotel offer massages? take an hour to relax and get a good back rub. it'll help!

fullofdoubtnow

Nice to hear from you UR, and I hope things get better soon.

If you get to England at all, send me a pm, maybe we can meet or at least talk on the phone.

In the meantime, I will be thinking of you

Look after yourslef

Linda

Utopian Reformist

Hi Linda:

I will be in London tomorrow afternoon sitting in Heathrow, watching people walk by, possibly eating all of the junk food I can fit in my belly. I do have a UK-Vodaphone number (which needs more topping up again) and its +44 0779 6800 123. It should be activated again as soon as I hit Heathrow. Thx for checking in on me, I appreciate it a lot.

I will tell you, I think I have reached my limit with technology. After about 15 years, I am ready to call it quits for good. Hope to talk to you soon, or if you are near the airport, please stop by and let me buy a few rounds and watch me get drunk, yankee style! I promise a scene you will never forget!

fullofdoubtnow

Thanks UR, I live in the Midlands, and am at work tomorrow, but I have made a note of your number and will try to call. Hope to speak to you soon.

serendipity

Hi Mario,

thanks for giving us some insight into your 'glamorous' jet-setting lifestyle. Is there any way you can take time off to rest & relax? If it's not fun anymore, then it's time to find something else.

I really do need to go to sleep permanently and get the rest I need from this life, from the memories and from myself too.

Your statement is a bit worrisome. I know that when a person is exhausted, permanent sleep is very appealing (I was there at one point) but after you've rested up, please get some therapy or help if you still feel this way. Your daughter needs you.

Merry Magdalene

{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}

That's a lot of travelling, amigo!

Sounds like you have been pushing yourself too hard for too long (although understandably so). Any chance you could just scale back a bit rather than completely quitting? Are you continuing to get the care and support you need--physically, emotionally, mentally?

Don't want to lose you now

~Merry

Fleur

Oh Mario. Your post breaks my heart.

I wish that you would please, please, please talk to someone professional...don't give up...

I can't imagine the grief you live with, I won't insult you by telling you that I can. Just know please that people really care, okay?

hugs

essie

acsot

(((Mario))) what an insane schedule; please try and rest and take care of yourself. And please get some grief counselling or see a support group or talk to us here! The exhaustion will only magnify the hurt and pain you're still in.

I hope you get to meet some of the posters here in person.

We're thinking of you

Elsewhere

Uggg... I feel your pain! I've been very busy and traveling for almost a week now. Yesterday was my first "down" day in awhile.

While getting my first good night of sleep my cat decided that he wanted me up... RIGHT NOW. Over the years he has devised a technique for waking me up in the morning. What he does is he bolts across the bed, jumps in the air and runs across me as hard and fast as he can.

He'll keep doing this... back and forth... until I finally wake get up (being awake is not good enough, he won't stop until I get out of bed ). He's so fast that I can't swat him away so I have no choice but to get up.

Stupid cat!

so exhausted you can't rest

Share this