Help - I'm in love with a JW! (page 4)

jgnat

Heck, you've heard all the advice about the pitfalls of leaving your respective partners with young children in the picture.

Now I'll tell you about the chains that the Watchtower society has her draped in. You think her problems will end when she leaves the unhappy marriage? They will only start.

The WTBTS WILL NOT reinstate her with open arms if she leaves her husband for you. You're worldly.

JW's DO NOT hand their children over to people condemned to die at Armageddon. That's you and your sweetheart, if she leaves.

So she will be MENTALLY IN, separated from her children and her faith. For you.

NOW, ON THE OFF CHANCE that you two are loving people caught in a device not of your own making, who can love your children BETTER THAN YOUR OTHER SPOUSES, how in the heck are you going to convince the aggrieved spouses to just walk away and allow the two of you to live together in bliss?

I'm sorry. I just can't see this working no matter how many ways I turn over the rock.

poodlehead

I didn't quite catch if you are married? First off I or no one else schould judge you. After all that is why most of us have quite being JW because we were constantly judged. No one knows why or what leads up to someone doing something they wouldn't otherwise do. I bet both of you have said at sometime, that you would never have an affair, right? But here you are. So here is my advice. First she would not be having an affair with you if she was in a happy marriage. But sometimes what you think is love is no more than someone paying attention to you. You both need each other for some reason. But that doesn't mean you necesarrily need to be together as a couple. Here me out. You say you are in love and she is also? Well if that's the case give it some time and see what happens.

If her husband does not know about the affair. PLEASE don't tell him. It would be better for her and the children if he doesn't know. My reasons being he may not be a grown up and tell her children. He may also make it hard for her to get custody. The next step would be getting a job if she doesn't already have one and ask for a seperation. She can simply say she is not happy. With that time away from her husband she learns about herself and you do the same. Take some time away from each other. Take up a hobby, take a class in school. Something to pass the time. No phone calls if possible. Just let each other THINK.

At that point if you still feel good about it look at starting a life together. My feeling of her going to the elders is different than hers. But I will say, God already knows what she has done. It really is none of the congragations business. If when the kids are older she can sit them down one at a time and tell them the whole story. Then go to the elders. But if she goes to the elders now and divorces her husband and then goes with you. Her children will never understand. If she decides she can't live with it, I would rather her go to the elders and try to work things out with her husband. Then if it doesn't work she can move on with her life and I don't think her children will fault her.

Remember no one person ends a marriage. It takes two to make a marriage work. When your partner takes for granted what they have or show no respect for your marriage, it makes temptation a hard thing to deal with. And yes I speak from experience. It was a terrible mistake and one I will always regret. You have already crossed the line don't make it any worse than it is. If you need to talk more don't be afraid to ask.

uninformed

my sons wife left him and he has the 5 year old boy.

she is a selfish, self consumed person who should not have access to children.

It is a horrible and god dishonoring thing to be doing what you guys are doing, and the fact that you are planning on reinstatement tells me how superficial her dedication to God is. No matter what religion.

God hates divorce. I can show you proof why in my sons family.

Don't do this to the kids.

Please, zip up and think with the other head for a while.

Interestingly, a study I read about not long ago says that an affair has a chemical time run of about a year to 15 months. After that the buzz is gone and you'll both be looking forward to the next chemical rush.

uninformed

poodlehead

I'm sorry, I read your other posts and se that you both are married and have children. I do hope you take time away from each other and think this way out.

Don't get me wrong I think Devorice is a detestable thing. In a perfect world we would all work out our differences and live happily ever after. But this is not a perfect world. People don't always forgive and there certainly don't forget! I'm not telling you to get a devorice. Far from it. I would love to see you both get counseling and stay with your mates. But sometimes it just doesn't work.

As for me I chose the devorice. I have no regrets. Our marriage was completely unrepairable. Was before the affair. After the affair was dangerous. I won't go into details but I will say if someone didn't walk away it wouldn't have been a divorice statistic but a murder statistic. I have remarried and so has he and we are both active in our sons life. I am also very active in my stepchildrens lives.

It can work but it is hard work.

But I think a lot of people are right in telling you what you have to look forward to. Devorice is worst than anything you could imagine.

jgnat

Oh, there's a few things worse than divorce. Losing my stepomom to cancer and losing my natural mom and my son to mental illness surely top the list.

Divorce is survivable. But if there are children involved, it usually doesn't resolve the one thing you leave them for. The spouse you left doesn't magically turn in to a reasonable person. AND because you share the children, you will be negotiating with them or battling them until your children are late adults.

cyd0099

If she gets df'd, and i know it shouldn't be this way-but it all to often is, her kids end up as bad association in the congregation.

The friends they have will probably be swept away by overreacting parents to "protect" the other kids' spiritual progress. They will be stranded between lifelong friends who they can't play with anymore and the "worldly" children to whom they probably can't relate.

Good job...

Find somebody else with less baggage, but first do the honorable thing and come clean with your wife and make arrangements to move out and pay support to your family.

LookingIn

Okay everyone, I didn't want you to think I was fleeing the scene after seeing all your eye-opening commentary. I know we look like cheating scum on the surface, but things are never erally that simple. We are both fundamentally decent people, caught up in something we weren't looking for or expecting. I won't bother trying to justify what we are doing or our relatonship. It would sound hollow and isn't relevant.

We are in no hurry and are starting a break from each other that we have been planning (and dreading) to try and resume our normal lives for a while. She and I have talked today, after I read most of your comments. She is going to try and see whether it's possible to reconnect with her husband over the next few months. Your comments inspired me to encourage her to do this and tell her I would be happy for her if she is able to reconnect with him, despite my selfish desires.

We both believe that if we care for each other as strongly as we think, then those feelings will be there in one year, two years, or even nine years when her kids become adult (mine are older). Thanks for all your comments. Poodlehead, thanks for not being so judgemental and for the practical advice.

poodlehead

jgnat, I do agree with you that loosing loved ones is terrible. I should have said, going through a divorce was the worst thing I have had to go through. And I have lost both of my parents. But with my parents I will see them again. So for me it just didn't hit me as hard. Everyone is different. I am also sorry about those you have lost to mental illness. I have always been left of center myself and have many friends with mental illness. But I also lost one to suicide it was devestating. Once again I am so sorry.

I guess it was some of the things my Ex did, that I didn't think were possible for him to do. Not as a christian and especially as the man I lived with for 23 years. But you are right, you can survive it.

To the poster- So happy to hear that our posts may have helped. I wish you both the best.

plmkrzy

I'm just curious, if you don't mind me asking, how long have you been together? I don't think you mentioned that. The way you talk about your relationship it sounds as though you have been together for quite some time.

jwfacts

Very difficult to comment on as there are two very different issues here. The spiritual health of the children and their emotional welfare.
From the spiritual side few people would agree that being a Jehovah's Witness is good for them. It has all characteristics of a high control group that will have long term affects on them. So you should not think too much about that side of things.
Their emotional well being is more important. That being said, I am happily married with step children. Research shows that children can be better off IF the marriage of their real parents is a destructive relationship.
However, with your girlfriend being a JW and wanting to stay one I do not see how it will work. There will always be huge guilt on her part, and that will have a terrible affect on the marriage to you and all the children.

Help - I'm in love with a JW!

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