New forum member, have wife with a jw background

by insearchoftruth 23 Replies latest jw friends

  • jgnat
    If I were to study with her and the 'sister', I am not sound enough in my knowledge of scripture to be able to defend my beliefs, and I know that the dub will be loaded with the answers and questions to make me look unknowledgeable in front of my wife and I am concerned that this will maybe lead her to possibly think that the dubs are the true religion.

    Then don't use the scriptures or doctrine as your primary concern. Really, I'd hit your wife and the study leader with questions about "behavior", as C_Y_P has mentioned. Why all the secrecy and privacy regarding the study? Howcome JW's shun people who leave? How can a parent be a slave to a doctrine (abstain from blood) that can kill their own child?

    And, become more sound regarding your own beliefs. Ask yourself what is most important to you?

    The JW's are well-practiced in their presentation, but scratch the surface and there is no depth to their study. The bible has enduring themes regarding sanctity of the family, reverence for life, love your neighbour, provide help to strangers that the JW's regularly dismiss for the "higher cause" of spreading the "good news".

    Below is a link where you can practice catching fallacies. When cornered, JW's nearly always retreat to "ad hominem" attacks. They will assume if you are opposed to them, obviously you are influenced by Satan. You will be accused of undermining your wife's faith for all kinds of nefarious reasons. Probably "love of the world" and "materialism".

  • bigmouth

    Welcome isot, I particularly liked jgnats and CYPs suggestions.Perhaps I can add something else without swamping you with ideas; My wife was a witness from birth and learnt to see everything in black and white (just like I came to do), questioning anything of the society was a NO-NO. What actually shook her was when she saw how hurt and upset I was when I found out about the U.N. and paedophile horrors.

    She wasn't being attacked or questioned over HER beliefs but she wanted to find out why I was so hurt. She kept her dignity and gave up cherished beliefs in her own time. After 41 years it took about 8 weeks and I never once criticized her.

    I hope things work out well for you both.


  • Check_Your_Premises
    If I were to study with her and the 'sister', I am not sound enough in my knowledge of scripture to be able to defend my beliefs, and I know that the dub will be loaded with the answers and questions to make me look unknowledgeable in front of my wife and I am concerned that this will maybe lead her to possibly think that the dubs are the true religion.

    Like JGnat said, don't be intimidated by the JW doctrine. They know about 100 verses REALLY well... but get them away from their canned responses, or publications and they are absolutely lost. It is very polished, but it is very superficial.

    You also need to establish some defense for yourself. If a person beleives something is true, and another person doesn't, they have two choices. They can consider that they might be wrong (impossible for a jw), or they can assume the other person is wrong. If the other person is certainly wrong they are either ignorant (don't know the truth) or they are evil (they don't want to know the truth). Your best position is ignorance!!!

    some threads on trust, defense, strategies I posted....

    But don't even try to get into the Bible or doctrine. You will need to eventually, because it sounds like you are a Christian and you are going to be given a lot of grief over your beliefs. Don't put up with it. If you can't give a good explanation or refutation, just say, "I need time to think about that, Jw's have come up with these arguements over 100 years. I am hearing them only for the first time." And don't be afraid to say, "I am not convinced that is true." That is a safe place. You aren't agreeing, which is important to make clear... on the other hand you are not disagreeing. THe problem is that position is temporary and sounds weak. Eventually you will need to be able to articulate a defense of your faith when pressed. There are books for that when the time is right.

    Right now be less concerned with the "what" of faith. Be more concerned with the "how". Because if your "how" is sound then you will end up with the most accurate "what". The Jw's don't have a very good "how". That is why I told you to get that book by Brian McLaren. It will really put some powerful words and ideas in your hands.

    But even more important than matters of faith are the "why" your wife needs to believe in the jw's. That is the key. Find that out, and then develop strategies that will allow you to slowly fulfill that need.

    You need to think strategically here. You need to figure out what you think the situation is, and act accordingly. You also need to come up with contingencies in case the situation is more serious than you thought. I am most curious about your wife's certainty that the jw are the truth. You might have this small problem that you can easily nip in the bud. Asking alot of questions is the best medicine right now. Once you now how serious she is, we can help you plan some long term strategies.

    A common rookie mistake is to think there is one thing, a knockout punch, that will make this all go away. You almost have to learn this the hard way. This problem is solved slowly overetime by creating constant conditions and environment that makes it more difficult for your wife to live in her supsended reality. Hopefully this is not a serious case, and we can wrap this up in short order. But be ready for the long haul.... years even.

    The haunting question for every ubm (especially if they have no kids) is how long do I stay in this before I get on with my life leaving my spouse to their self-imprisonment. You can only answer that for yourself. You do probably have an obligation here. You can't just let some abusive person bowl over your wife. That is probably the best analogy to work from; an abusive partner.

    And finally realize that this is completely out of your hands. You can make for ripe conditions for your spouse to free herself from the mind control haze... but it is ultimately her decision. That is the reality and desperation of the ubm life. You will see glimmers of hope and moments of despair. One day they seem ready to exit. The next day they just can't be more "spiritual". You have to learn to ride out the emotional roller coaster.

    Ok, I think you have a good summary of everything I have learned in the last year as a ubm and my thoughts as to how to apply it to your situation. Get some more info on your situation, and ask alot of questions. CYP

    And get those books!!! Especially the ones about cults!!! That is the most important knowledge you need to be taking in right now!!!


  • Check_Your_Premises

    Sorry I keep thinking of stuff... JGnat and I always talk about how we need to get all this stuff in one place.

    Be REALLY humble. If you HAVE to contradict her beliefs or point out some bad BEHAVIOR in a jw, get into this persona where you just hate to do it. You are apologetic about it.


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