So How Do I Deal With This?

Englishman

I have a really difficult problem on my hands and I would very much appreciate some input.

Some years ago, my wife and I offered accomodation to a female relative - lets call her Auntie Molly - who was experiencing some marriage problems. It was a disaster. She was irrascible, moody and incredibly badly behaved. She would quarrel with waiters in restaurants and if she couldn't get her own way she would throw a fainting fit. She would drink gin in the afternoon and take tranquilisers at night. She got angry because ours was a non smoking home and would run from room to room blowing cigarette smoke through each doorway in her frustration. Once she attacked me with a chair when I disagreed with her. Not good!

Of course, we had soon had enough and I insisted that she move elswhere. However she then told all of the family that I had tried to molest - RAPE!- her. Yeah, right, in her dreams!!!

Now, many years have passed and I have refused to have any contact at all. Recently she made contact to tell us that she was seriously ill, and, suspecting subterfuge, I checked out the details. Sure enough, she has cancer and has the rest of the family dangling on a string with her "I will / wont have treatment" tactics.

She has also made contact to say that she is sorry for what she said about me. Just sorry for saying it, but she still maintains that I tried to rape her! She now says that she should have kept quiet, but that I am still guilty of molesting her!

As a result, my relatives - who say that they don't believe her - are now giving her all the attention that she has always craved. I am continuing to operate a shunning policy and I refuse to budge on this until I get a total retraction from her. Even if she eventually ends up on her death bed I don't intend to even acknowledge her existence.

Has anyone got any ideas/ thoughts/ advice that may be helpful? Incidentally, I have always believed that lies hate the light, so I have told all my friends and aquaintances about this as well.

Englishman.

..... fanaticism masquerading beneath a cloak of reasoned logic.

Naeblis

Well, in my opinion, this depends on whether she is just a genuinely nasty woman or if she has some real mental problems. I think it's evident your family and friends don't believe the lies she's saying about you. If she is mentally ill then it is quite likely that she is not 100% responsible for her words and actions. I think it'll take a lot of strength on your part but it may be best to just swallow your pride and be the better man here. She won't be aroudn forever and you may regret your actions in the future.

think41self

Hi Eman,

What a situation you describe!

Sorry to disagree with you Naeblis, but JUST with the little bit of info available to me, it sounds more to me like the woman is an alcoholic. Alcoholics are emotional terrorists, live from crisis to crisis, crave attention(EVEN negative attention) and are very erratic in their behavior. The drinking of the gin in the afternoon was another clue...then the tranquilizers at night. She fits the description almost too perfectly!

While I also agree that alcoholism is a disease, and I feel sorry for the people under its control...I definitely DO NOT think you Eman, or anyone else in your family, should allow her to control YOU. You have made a valid point...she never offered you a sincere apology or retraction. And those were DAMN serious charges she made against you. Yet she was incapable of thinking about, or caring, what the consequences to you would have been. Therefore, it sounds as though her behavior hasn't changed...therefore she is probably still abusing alcohol. To re-establish a relationship with her would be very unhealthy for you and your family. If any of this makes sense to you, or you think you still want to contact her...at least read up on how to cope with her shenanigans better. I could suggest some excellent reading material to you.

Anyway, take care Eman, and let us know how it goes!

think41self

"It is much more sensible to be an optimist instead of a pessimist, for if one is doomed to disappointment, why experience it in advance?"
Amelia Peabody Emerson

metatron

First, avoid entanglement with this person.

After that, if she really was on her deathbed, I would
visit her anyway. Life is a nasty struggle, empathy
makes you a better, kinder person.

metatron

MrMoe

Englishman,

I agree with Think41self that she has a problem with addiction - both drugs and alcohol. I do feel, however, that addicts are addicts because they cannot control themselves and thier actions. They are dependant and mind altering chemicals to comfort themselves and it ususally stems from mental disorders or a history of abuse.

Now, I don't feel this is an excuse, but, I do feel she needs mental help. I feel she knows what she is doning, but cannot control herself. Compulsive liars over time tend to confince themselves of their lies, so maybe she is at the point where she has actually convinced herself that you tried to molest her. If she is the wack job she appears to be, stay thehell way from her unless you are reccomending a reall good shrink or rehab center.

Crys for attention are usually cries for help. Sometimes these individuals don't know they need help. I am not really sure if she has cancer, sounds sort of shady, but don't accuse her of lying gain, just stay the hell away. TROUBLE! I am the type who would want to help, but sometimes you have to stay out of the fire so you don't get burned. Good luck.

patio34

Hi Eman,

I agree with you 100%. I have a family member who treats everyone so badly and is now sick and demanding attention. Sorry, but what goes around comes around. Being sick doesn't make the abusive behavior disappear.

Mentally healthy people don't keep showing up to be mistreated, abused, unappreciated, and lied about.

The relative in my family also abuses alcohol and drugs.

If I feel I must do something for this ungrateful, cruel person, it's from a distance only. Send a card, cash donation if appropriate. But it's rare.

Being sick doesn't cancel out the rest of your life.

However, when my relative is on her death bed, I may soften my stance. However, mine is much closer than your's as it's an immediate family member and the obligation seems heavier.

Pat

Englishman

This is great stuff that you are all giving me, thank you very much indeed.

The alcohol angle seems to fit very well, I had noticed that even the tiniest amount resulted in a major mood swing and behaviour that amounted to a "My God, what will she do next" pattern.

Also, every time that she behaves badly she doesn't seem to experience even the slightest degree of remorse, she just waits a few days and then acts as though nothing has happened. I think that she is annoyed that I wont let her accustions go, its as though my demand for a retraction of her accusations are some sort of inconvenience to her.

Please continue to post your comments, this has been bothering me for years.

Englishman.

..... fanaticism masquerading beneath a cloak of reasoned logic.

Disengaged

Eman;
You deserve a medal of honor for tolerating such bad behavior in your own castle. If she contends to this day that you molested/raped her, whatever, she deserves no help from you. Just my 2 cents....

"They couldn't quite explain it, they'd always just gone there.....mmmm.mmm.mmm. CTDummies

philo

It probably WAS in her dreams, E. Anyway, he retraction probably doesn't count for much now, so I would visit Mrs Potiphar.

philo

Mulan

Have you considered that maybe she really believes you tried to rape her? She may have a mental disorder that allows her to believe fantasies as facts.

I have an extremely difficult mother, and she has accused me of saying all kinds of things in the past, that I never said. But she, to this day, maintains that I did. She is the one with the personality problem, and not me. I understand that, but it is really difficult to live with at times. Most of it is harmless, but still puts me in a bad light, if she repeats it.

Anyway, just a thought.

Marilyn (a.k.a. Mulan)

So How Do I Deal With This?

Share this