My wife is a JW, I'm not.

by Mrgij01 36 Replies latest jw experiences

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  Mrgij01

  Well, there is a lot of info from you all. Thanks so much.

  Maybe I should give a little background on my situation.

  My wife and i have been married 6 years and we have no children. (I would like to though) She did not even tell me she was a jw untill our third or fourth date. I have asked her several times why she went against her religion and parents in dating and marrying me and all I get is "I could see you were a good man" But when I press her she will finally admit that she still sees me as an unbeliever. Enough to make your head explode.

  She was active when we met and has been active since. In the beginning I went to the hall with her every now and then to show her that I was not threatened by her being a jw, and that I was open to learning. I had had previous experiances with jws growing up as my father loved to engage them in conversation when they visited our house. He would often include me in the conversations. These people were a bit more orthodox than my wife.

  She and I agree on most things, and I would marry her again if given the chance. I have just been going with the flow I guess till lately. Her unwillingness to discuss issues for long and seemingly blind following is beginning to disturb me more. Recently, my mother whom I have lived far from for the last 15 years moved back to the state. Her birthday came about and I told my wife that I would like her to go with me to take my mother out to dinner. No party, no singing"Happy Birthday" just dinner.

  Fat chance. She made it sound like she would be committing a cardinal sin.

  Another thing that struck me as strange is that her parents told me before we were married that they would not be able to attend or participate in any wedding or reception. Fine with me. We went to Jamaica and had a wonderful time. My wife smiling in our wedding photos in a garden in Jamaica is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. We came back and a couple of months later my wife graduated from college. Her family had a graduation party. A couple of days prior my mother in law pulls me aside and says the party is also a celebration of our wedding. Nothing in the party said anything about our wedding, but I just smiled to myself and said nothing.

  A year later my sister in law marries another UBM. In my in-laws living room. Married by a BAPTIST pastor. They went on their honeymoon, and when they came back there was a reception. ATTENDED BY 10-15 OTHER JWS FROM THE HALL. Imagine my suprise.

  Now belive it or not I have no hard feelings for my in-laws for this reversal. But what about my wife???? I asked her how she felt about it and she said she was fine with it because she is a private person anyway. But that had to hurt. She does not talk about it at all.

  So does this sound screwed up to you too? My wife can marry an UBM, but can't go to dinner for my mothers birthday.

  My in laws stay as far away from publicly celebrating our marriage as possible, and have a regular shin-dig for the other daughter.

  Folks I have been so quiet about everything for so long. I speak my mind about everything else,and everyone knows that about me. I don't want to be quiet anymore, but I pray to be led in the right direction.
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  Navigator

  I'm an UBM as well. My wife was a methodist when I married her but became a JW while suffering from post partum depression. I can assure you that should you have children she will insist on them being raised as JWs. This is a source of unbelievable strain. The elders in the congregation will attempt to supplant your leadership of your family. It is a high control cult. Your children will be taught that they should not get too close to you as you will be destroyed at Armageddon. It took many years to get my children out of the cult and one is still in as he is married to a JW. My wife is a good woman, but not rational when it comes to the cult. She considers herself one of the 144,000 and works full time serving them. She will not participate in many of my activities such as Lions Clubs, Military Associations, etc. as they involve saluting the flag. She avoids contact with my church friends and others as they are considered "worldly people". I am very surprised that they allowed your wife to marry you. She must have convinced them that she could eventually convert you to be a JW. They rarely allow their members to marry outside the cult.
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  jgnat

  I would advise at staying quiet just a little bit longer. Yes, it's hypocritical. Yes, it's a screwed-up religion.

  My JW hubby has recently been told that he has to reconcile with the estranged elders at his old hall, before he can advance at the hall he moved to because he was so shabbily treated at the old one. He is told he has to show "unity".

  I wonder, who has to do all the apologizing?

  By contrast, my pastor apologized profusely when I my grief was forgotten by my local (regular church) congregation. Even though he was not personally responsible, he bore the whole burden of the guilt, and did everything in his power to console me.

  I wonder, which one represents Christ's love and forgiveness more?

  Why stay quiet? Because you need to get fully educated before you engage someone pickled in the JW doctrines. Very likely your wife believes she will lose eternal life if she abandons her faith. That can set up some huge guilt and fear issues. First read Steve Hassan's Combatting Cult Mind Control. His advice will keep you from making newbie mistakes.
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  MegaDude

  My wife and i have been married 6 years and we have no children. (I would like to though)

  I'm going to be very bold here and hope you're not offended. You should not have children until the religious issue is settled between you. You are looking at years of misery and conflict if you are not a JW and she is a believer. If you try to give your children your viewpoint of things and it conflicts with the JW viewpoint, your wife will turn your children against you and you will be viewed as a spiritual enemy in your own house.

  She did not even tell me she was a jw untill our third or fourth date. I have asked her several times why she went against her religion and parents in dating and marrying me and all I get is "I could see you were a good man" But when I press her she will finally admit that she still sees me as an unbeliever. Enough to make your head explode.

  Take a good look around the kingdom hall. What's the husband-selection like? It "sounds" like she couldn't find someone of quality to marry in her religion, and her desire to marry overrode her religious beliefs for the time being. Now that a desire for a husband has been met, her religious beliefs are asserting themselves.

  Her unwillingness to discuss issues for long and seemingly blind following is beginning to disturb me more.

  JWs are reluctant to have an open discussion of the issues of their faith because their faith is based on doing what the Watchtower tells them to do. That is their number one foundational belief. The Watchtower is God's only chosen representative on earth. To disobey the Watchtower is tantamount to disobeying God himself. Get into a detailed discussion about the problems of JW beliefs with a JW and you quite often will elicit a strong emotional response of fear or anger. Mostly fear.

  Recently, my mother whom I have lived far from for the last 15 years moved back to the state. Her birthday came about and I told my wife that I would like her to go with me to take my mother out to dinner. No party, no singing"Happy Birthday" just dinner.

  Fat chance. She made it sound like she would be committing a cardinal sin.

  This story is typical and common with spouses who are not JW's.

  My in laws stay as far away from publicly celebrating our marriage as possible, and have a regular shin-dig for the other daughter.

  Is your wife a baptized member of the JW's and your sister-in-law not a baptized member? This could explain the difference as JWs are technical when it comes to their rules.
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  Mrgij01

  Well, MegaDude was right. My wife is baptised and her sister is not. I kept asking questions until she explained it to me. As best she could. Still does not make sense. She also told me in the process of the conversation that if she met me today she would not marry me. Even though she says I have been a great husband, respected, and loved her like no one else, she has different priorities in life now, and marring a UBM would not be something she would do. That was pretty hard to hear. I keep telling myself that thats not her talking, but the jw talking.
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  Mrgij01

  I also asked my wife if she felt she could find Christ without the wt and all the other books they are given to read. Just the Bible.

  She said she could. So I asked her, why can't I??? Still awaiting an answer.

  You guys are right, this is going to be tough.
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  AuntieJane

  MrJG, welcome and I want you to know I'm praying for you in this situation. Your wife and you are communicating and while that is a good thing, it is difficult, esp due to her JW cult trained mind.

  I never was a JW but spent many hours learning about them due to family involvment; and my daughter dated a non-baptized JW. Thank God I was able to show him the light. He still has so many hang-ups, though and is kind of a sad person, in my opinion.

  I do commend you on your faith and belief in Christ; I truly believe that prayer helps lead us through knowing how to deal with this JW stuff. I learned about the Holy Spirit's guidance and gift of wisdom and I prayed for his help; I know God gave me the strength to be able to show him the right passages. If you want me to tell you more, you can IM me anytime. There are many on this board who will be helpful to you.

  Shalom,

  AuntieJane