Sounds to me like your mom and sis treat you as my mom and sis do to me. I was very emotionally abused as a child by my mom. Tried to confront her w/letters and my sis just got angry w/me for hurting mom's feelings. Of course mom does everything for sis. I have a brother who also treats mom like crap. But they are in her favor. It's a control thing - only if you allow it will it continue. The only way to stop it is to stop the game playing and set your boundaries. Make up your mind as to what you think you want to live with. Juni
How can she pick and choose who she wants to shun?
by Bumble Bee 19 Replies latest watchtower beliefs
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FairMind
Bumble Bee, some people are just plain cold and unforgiving. I have faced this same situation for years (I’m active and go to meetings to boot) from one of my daughters and her husband. Try not to let it bother you since you can’t control other people and thy will have to answer to God the same as everybody else. Also, rise above your hurt feelings and don’t repay evil for evil.
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greendawn
I was going to say they were getting tougher on their R&F but then you say that they associated with the disfel/ed, so it is a mystery why they behave in that way.
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Bumble Bee
What kind of relationship do you have w/mom and sis apart from the religion? Juni
Sounds to me like your mom and sis treat you as my mom and sis do to me. ; I was very emotionally abused as a child by my mom. ; Tried to confront her w/letters and my sis just got angry w/me for hurting mom's feelings. ; Of course mom does everything for sis. I have a brother who also treats mom like crap. ; But they are in her favor. ; It's a control thing - only if you allow it will it continue. ; The only way to stop it is to stop the game playing and set your boundaries. ; Make up your mind as to what you think you want to live with. ; Juni
Hi Juni, I thought I had a good relationship, but when I really started to think about it after all that was said by them, I realized how one sided the relationship really was. My sister has reacted the same way yours did, she gets so mad/angry with anyone who she thinks hurts mom - mom can fight her own battles, this had nothing to do with her. I would have to say I suffered emotional abuse as well. This is acutally my step mother (since I was 3 yrs old so she is the only mother I remember/know). When she was mad at me about anything she'd pull out the "I'm so glad I'm not your mother". She knew that would hurt me. I told her she does not have the power to hurt me anymore. If she decides to change her mind about what she has done, there will have to be boundaries set up - there was a very good post about boundaries on here a while back, I'll have to find it again. BB
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Bumble Bee
Bumble Bee, some people are just plain cold and unforgiving. I have faced this same situation for years (I’m active and go to meetings to boot) from one of my daughters and her husband. Try not to let it bother you since you can’t control other people and thy will have to answer to God the same as everybody else. Also, rise above your hurt feelings and don’t repay evil for evil.
Fairmind, Yes, she has had problems with forgiving. I've tried to talk to both her and my sister about this - they always say "I'm never going to forgive so and so for doing that". I asked how they thought God was going to forgive them if they don't forgive others? She often says "I know Jehovah will forgive me for this." She is assured that everything she does, it's ok, she'll be forgiven. As far as repaying evil for evil, I'm not the one casting the first stone. If you are going to point a finger at someone, you'd better be prepared to have three pointing back at you. I'm not sure how to put it that I am not trying to justify things, so I think I'll just leave it at that. Thanks for your advice, I know we sometimes do rash things in the heat of the moment. BB
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Finally-Free
She wants nothing to do with me when I haven't done anything to be DF'd for and here she is shunning me, but keeping in contact with DF'd people and criminals!
Sounds to me like you have nothing to lose. Let her "reap what she sows". I suggest reporting her to the elders and provide evidence - photos if possible - and get her ass DF'd.
W
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Bumble Bee
FF - believe me I've thought about it! I wouldn't need photos - recently a resturant full of JW's from our old cong saw her/us helping my DF'd aunt celebrate her birthday! It was too funny.
My mothers family for the most part are all non-JW. For my aunts bd, they decided to get the whole family together for supper at a new Chinese Buffet. My mom said she'd come, but not if they were going to sing Happy Birthday or give presents. The family gave into her wishes, they arranged for that part to happen afterwards at her son's house. We had a huge amount of family there, all non JW except my immediate family (mom, sis, bro and sis in law).
When we walk into the room my aunts table had some balloons with HBD, and a few presents that some had brought to the resturant. We had 7 tables with about 12 at each table. There were three other tables in that room and guess what? They were all filled with JW's from our old cong! My brother and I had quite a laugh about it! My mom sat at the very last table in the far corner, hoping they wouldn't notice her, but guess what? An elder came over to say hi! More laughing from my brother and I! Oh, and guess what the staff at the resturant did towards the end of the meal? Sang HBD to my df'd aunt!! Sometimes life doens't get any better.
BB
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alamb
I totally empathize although not understanding either.
My parents have never met my two youngest children who are 4 and 3. I am disassociated, by their terminology. My brother married a DF gal last year. He was not disciplined in any way by the elders. They had a baby last week, who is my first nephew. All the family is rallying around and bringing presents, including my ex who is an active JW. And this is against a court order banning him from taking my older children around my family...the court's answer to alleviate the ridiculous shunnning. Of course they are experts at theocratic war strategy but they also now pick and choose which grandchildren to shun.
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BLISSISIGNORANCE
Hi Bumble Bee....................firstly, nice to meet you.
I'm sorry for what you're going through and I understand your pain.
My parents don't talk to me either.
They were witnesses but daéd several years ago, at the same time my entire family started to fade. So we are all x dubs. Therefore why don't they talk to me? It's not a scriptural shunning!
I guess the point is that people will find and use any excuse to do or not do what they really want. Obviously your mum has issues with you and is using the dub shunning practice to her advantage, there is no other logical reason. Why else would you have a crim in your home and not your daughter?
As sad as it is for you, it's her problem not yours.
Hope you are ok.
Cheers Bliss
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Bumble Bee
Hello Bliss - nice to meet you too!!
That is weird that your family DA themselves, but shun you! But, after reading other peoples experiences, and going through a few things myself, nothing surprises me anymore.
Yes, I think she has some problems. She didn't like some things I said about how she treated me while growing up, and how hard it was to have a JW father who was a closet smoker, how this affected me and my brother. She has this idea that we all had perfect childhoods and didn't like it when my brother and I shattered her memories. It is her decision, one she will have to live with.
I'm doing ok right now. Actually - when I read the nasty email she sent, and said she didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore, I felt relieved!! My friends think I'm just in shock and it will wear off, but it's been two weeks now and I still feel the same!
BB