Things people actually said in court.

by xjwms 11 Replies latest social humour

  • xjwms
    xjwms

    These are from a book called: DISORDER IN THE AMERICAN COURTS, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment pf staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

    ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

    WITNESS: July 18th

    ATTORNEY: What year?

    WITNESS: Every year..!

    ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

    WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five,.. I can't remember which

    ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

    WITNESS: Forty-five years.

  • xjwms
    xjwms

    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

    WITNESS: Would you please repeat the question?

  • DannyBloem
    DannyBloem

    Did you blow your horn or anything?
    A: After the accident?
    Q: Before the accident.
    A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.


    Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
    A: Yes.
    Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
    A: Yes, sir.
    Q: What did she say?
    A: What disco am I at?


    Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?


    Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

    Q: Can you describe the individual?
    A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    Q: Was this a male, or a female?

    Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
    A: By death.
    Q: And by whose death was it terminated?


    Q: Can you describe the individual?
    A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    Q: Was this a male, or a female?


    Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


    Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.


    Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    A: Oral.


    Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
    A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.


    Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for breathing?
    A: No.
    Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    A: No.
    Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless
    A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

  • xjwms
    xjwms

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

    WITNESS: We both do

    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

    WITNESS: We do

    ATTORNEY: You do?

    WITNESS: Yes, voodoo

  • xjwms
    xjwms

    Danny

    You found this too?

    TOO FUNNY

  • DannyBloem
    DannyBloem
    You found this too?

    yes but somewhere else, I think

  • xjwms
    xjwms

    My cousin just

    sent me the email.

    I thought it was funny so I wanted to share.

  • simplesally
    simplesally

    Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?

    A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

    Q: And why did that upset you?

    A: My name is Susan.

    ----------------------

    Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

    ---------------------

    Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

    --------------------

    Q: She had three children, right?

    A: Yes.

    Q: How many were boys?

    A: None.

    Q: Were there any girls?

  • greendawn
    greendawn

    So, the judges can have a good laugh from time to time to break their dreary monotony.

  • stillajwexelder
    stillajwexelder

    Lawyers are a necessity but they are still a low form of life IMHO

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