UBM strategies: Befriend the KH outcasts

by Check_Your_Premises 45 Replies latest jw friends

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  jgnat

  Yes, it is an unwritten rule that we don't give TOO MUCH attention to the outcasts. As a UBM, you're on the bottom of the social ladder anyhow. I noticed the pioneer ladies would elbow in to make sure not TOO MUCH social contact was made.

  I liked informally chatting with new studies. I could see their study leaders hovering in the background, DYING to know what I was infecting their poor person with. I'd talk about their interests, hobbies, non-cult-inducing stuff. It would be interesting to see, as the studies progressed over the months, how these same people would start to stumble, approach me more cautiously, puzzled, wondering if they might be committing a social faux-pas to simply speak with me.

  Great idea to lay out a strategy like this. I've learned more about the approach, and it is important to put each strategy in context. That way, we can pick from our grab-bag of strategies the best one for each given situation.Format for Strategies

  Memnomic title <a verbal shorthand so fellow strategists instantly understand the context>

  Opening Story: <tell a pithy story to seal the strategy in your memory>

  Context:

  <Where does it fit in with your overall plan? When is it appropriate to use this strategy? What do you hope to accomplish?>

  Problem:

  <The problem this strategy is designed to fix.>

  Forces:

  <The people and motivatons that will be influencing or attempting derail your strategy.>

  Essence of the Solution:

  <Short description of the solution, quick reference, helps you seal it in your memory for faster recall.>

  More about the Solution:

  <Full description on how to implement.>

  Resulting Context:

  <Advantages and disadvantages of this strategy. Where would it NOT be appropriate? What are the risks? What can you do to reduce risk of failure?>

  Known Uses:

  <Veterans who have used the strategy describe the situations where it was a success.>
• 

  Check_Your_Premises

  and that limits his exposure to jw's a little. At least on a social level.

  THis is a good point Carla!

  Yes, everything is a trade off. I never meant to imply that doing such things didn't have costs. You always have to ask if the costs outweigh the benefits.

  I think he gets plenty of social interaction. Because I do go to the hall and to some of the meetings, I realize the extent to which she is influenced at the meetings and book study. I see how the social interaction appeals to her need for a sense of extended family. Now I see that as something I can address.

  You can't influence the situation if you don't understand it.

  CYP
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  Check_Your_Premises

  This actually isn't a hypothetical discussion. I am not that creative.

  I got this idea because my JW wife went to lunch with a depressed, older sister. She is an outcast. She told my wife, "the friends forget about some of us older ones"

  I told her, "well we won't forget about them"

  That came from a ubm. It came from a worldly. It came from someone who Jehovah will slaughter any day now.

  Don't think those expressions of love don't cause difficult conflicts to rationalize.

  CYP
• 

  Check_Your_Premises

  Jgnat, you nerd.

  Of course that means I like it because I am a dork.

  CYP
• 

  Check_Your_Premises

  There is one other aspect of demonizing the JW that I wanted to address as well; scapegoating.

  It is very easy to make the JW, in our mind, the cause of every problem. They are very problematic. The JW religion influences every aspect of our lives. The problem is though, by making the the demonic cause of every problem it can keep us from honestly looking at how we contribute to problems, or even other causes that are outside our influence.

  Example: "We have a horrible relationship because we never see you at the holidays because your spouse is a JW"

  Ok, there is truth to that statement. The time when everyone makes time to get together is on the holidays. But that doesn't mean the person making this statement couldn't do more THEMSELVES to make the relationship better. By scapegoating, and making the JW the only cause of the problem, it keeps them from taking responsibility for themselves. That is significant, because we are the only people we have any control over... if we are lucky!

  CYP
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  carla

  I am not saying all jw's are evil s.o.b.'s. But they do all support an evil org which makes them guilty by association. I do not choose to associate or socialize with jw's because I could not stop myself from antiwitnessing to them. I know this. It would just turn into a pissing war. And having met some already their fake interest gags me. What I don't understand is the view that, ok, we know they are evil, condone pedophilia, kill people everyday (blood), spritually abuse people, etc.... etc... but, let's all try to get along. I don't believe anyone here would feel the same if it was a true Satanic cult. Would you all go to those meetings too? That is how evil I think the wt is, I think it is fair to compare them to any totalitarian regime, Hitler, Pol Pot, I don't care, pick which ever group you find evil or reprehensible. (not only all of that, but, the elder admitted there was a child molester in the cong. Hang out with him? no thanks)

  In line with Hassan's building up 'trust', I think that can be done on a personal level. Meaning that at some point discussions should be able to be accomplished without too much hurt on either side, and in a civil manner. I do not care if the people at the hell have any trust in me as they belong to an org that found it necessary to redefine the word 'lie'. How do you trust anybody who adheres to this? When none of us are 'worthy' of truth?

  I go back and forth on if they are simply misguided victims or willing partners. Today, I have to think that a true victim has no option to the crime (or spiritual abuse) these jw's today do have an option. They choose not to take it. They choose to remain ignorant. They truly believe they have no responsibility to teaching others false things about God & Christ. But have they made sure of all things? Obviously no. The choices we make have consequences. Individual consequences, not group. If one believes that at some point you will be judged will the average jw be able to say, 'it's not my fault I went around teaching all those false things, the org told me to'. What do we tell our own kids about following the crowd? 'If they all go jump off a bridge, will you too?' No, I don't think they are all poor victims of Brooklyn, (or will it be Walkill now?). They lack courage and are not 'lovers of truth'.

  If I can limit his exposure to these people I will any way I can. If I could find the poor shmuck that is going to probably be df'd shortly I would befriend him or at least have some literature sent to him. Hopefully he can find his way here.

  Limiting exposure to jw's and trying to get them with 'outsiders', friends or family or anywhere is a good thing. They need to see that those on the outside can be good, moral people without the help of some org micromanaging every aspect of their lives.
• 

  jgnat

  It occurred to me the other day that there are two side-benefits by undertaking the "battle of our lives" to restore our marriages and booting the WTBTS out.

  The process virtually forces us to spend a lot of time understanding our partner, their motivations and needs. We become more sensitive, and perhaps, cure a fatal flaw in the existing relationship.

  To provide a positive alternative to the WTBTS is a lot of work. I spend a good part of my week building non-JW friendships in our neighborhood, for instance. A non-JW husband I know has become superdaddy; reading and playing with his children, and picking up on all the extra chores around the house. He's had to give up football night. I've had to shelve my quiet, undisturbed evenings. I have a much richer and broader range of friends today. And my UBM daddy friend has given an invaluable gift to his children and himself - fatherhood.
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  jgnat

  I guess I'd rather walk right in to the viper's nest to get a full picture of what I'm up against. The enemy doesn't look so scary close-up.

  Lately I've been very willing to accompany my hubby to the meetings. For some reason, though, he keeps cancelling at the last minute. When he doesn't see me as the "active opposer", all of a sudden it's not such a novelty any more.

  It reminds me of the year my dad decided to sport a beard. My sister and I were teenagers at the time, and all the females in the house hated it. We squawked and moaned and generally made a huge deal about that ugly beard. When the girls finally settled down, I think I said, "That silver streak down the middle makes you look rather distinguished", he shaved it off.

  Men.
• 

  kls

  Ok, there is truth to that statement. The time when everyone makes time to get together is on the holidays. But that doesn't mean the person making this statement couldn't do more THEMSELVES to make the relationship better. By scapegoating, and making the JW the only cause of the problem, it keeps them from taking responsibility for themselves. That is significant, because we are the only people we have any control over... if we are lucky!

  Couldn't do more themselves to better their relationship? Oh please ,a person is in a fight of their lives as their loved one is being control and manipulated by a cult . We are dealing with a person/persons with many personalities that the WT has installed in many and we are in the fight of our lives . What shall we do to make our relationships better ,,kiss their ass ? Done that and it backfired. As far as using the JW problem as a scapegoat , it is not mearly a scapegoat but our lives that are being destroyed because we love someone held captive.
• 

  carla

  Here's a sad thought- would your jw mate take even 5 minutes to research what you believe in? And not from the wt literature, I mean from libraries, etc...

  They often say they have researched x,y or z yet cannot supply one place in which they have done so. At some point, all of this, we must show love and understanding is going to wear awfully thin. What I see here is the umb's giving and giving and the jw just thinks, 'great, everything is hunky- dory'. I don't think having ubm's constantly supressing their own feelings is healthy either. The amount of time and effort most umb's put in is probably 100x what any jw would ever do.

  I hear all the time, 'can't you just agree to disagree?'. Well, that would be fine if that's all it was. However it is not. We now have a third party involved in an original contract that only included two people. We have a third party (indeed the whole cong) invovled in MY intimate life without my consent. Should I ever socialize with them, to me, would be showing consent to their having intimate knowledge of me, my children and control in my life. I can't give them that. I will not give them that satisfaction. Besides, any time you actually meet some, they will just gossip about you later anyhow.