Need help with this…..

by JackC 13 Replies latest jw friends

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  JackC

  Hey everyone. Let me first tell you a little about myself. I’m 35, have been ‘a witness’ for 30, baptized at 19, married at 22 and now have 3 kids. My wife and I are leaving and are considering all the options. So I ask this, how did you do it, letter to elders, CO, Society, other? What was in it, main points etc. What were you trying for DF, DA, fade-away and why? Did I miss anything?

  We have already sent a letter to the Society asking about the UN/DPI thing, of course no answers. But we did get the finger pointed at us, apparently we have been deceiving ourselves. That’s right we’re not supposed to look at facts and draw our own conclusions, shame, shame, shame. But the elders backed off the apostate talk when we pointed out that we have only talked to them. So we are leaning toward a second letter with a very accusatory theme and let the poor locals have to df us. Make them work.

  Anyway thanks for all your input.

  J
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  metatron

  More info needed

  Do you have Witness relatives to worry about? Witness "friends" or workmates who will shun you?

  If not, you're free already.

  metatron
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  AlmostAtheist

  Welcome!

  Sounds like you've got your mental ducks in a row on this. Do you feel a need to separate yourself from the Watchtower officially? If you've got family inside, you might be better off to just fade quietly rather than get yourself DF'd if you can avoid it.

  If there's no one to shun you, then it hardly matters either way. My attitude when I left was that I would prefer not to be DF'd, since my in-law's are JW's and vowed to shun if I was ever df'd. And I sure wasn't going to bother DA'ing myself. But on the other hand, I was going to live my new life as if I'd never been a JW -- christmas, birthdays, whatever -- and if they "catch" me, then fine. They caught me, and DF'd me. Now the in-law's don't speak to me. Par for the course.

  Your wife and kids are all ok with not being JW's anymore? My wife was thrilled when I told her I wanted out -- turns out she'd been waiting for years for me to wake up! My 6-year-old (at the time, now approaching 8) was scared to death -- we'd trained him well, it seems. But he got over it pretty quick when he understood that it meant no more boring meetings!

  I'm very happy to hear you're free!

  Dave
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  atypical

  I personally have been trying to just fade away, because my wife and all of my family are active. I don't want the complications that being df'd would bring into our lives. It is very difficult though, so far it seems the witnesses want to force me either to sh*t or get off the pot, as the saying goes.
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  JackC

  Well, how do I put this. My family is all in the 'truth', but I really would count it a blessing if they wouldn't talk to us, not that they do now. They are one of the most dysfunctional families I've ever seen, no love-loss there. My wife's family: parents and siblings all in, dad's family never in and are extremely supportive (taking us in for Xmas, presents and all) I would have to say that Dad and Mom would be the hardest to get over, maybe. Her oldest brother already shuns us for not going to the KH and he lives 1500 miles away, in fact he came into town to make it a point to shun us. Her other sibs, one follows dad everywhere the other is secretly supportive.

  I guess, cut and dry we can live without any of them. But for closure we need to do something even if it is just screaming in the wind.

  J
• 

  rebel8

  Hi there fellow New Yorker....there is really no right or wrong to this question, only what works best for you.

  I personally chose to fade. It was easier on my relatives not to have a DFd person in the fam. I also did not want to give them the satisfaction of exercising any authority over me (DFing) or to feel superior to me (DAing). The elders asked me to DA since they had no grounds to DF me, but I refused. I adamantly refused to give them any reason for not attending meetings and doing FS other than I didn't want to.

  Check out: The Best of... Letters to family and elders/WTS

  You can get closure from screaming in the wind or just about anything. Ideas....Burn all your WT books.....join another church even if you don't intend to be involved (you can even do it over the internet).....put an anonymous ad in the paper supporting Silent Lambs (www.silentlambs.org even has templates for you).....etc.
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  JackC

  See my last post to metatron for a little history.

  We have too trained our young ones well, but the are smart, smarter than most adults. My oldest (9) understands the hypocrisy with the UN thing. So going by this we feel making a stand is needed to show them that we are secure behind our principles and that it is love of righteousness that is driving this.

  Thanks,

  J
• 

  jgnat

  I am going to take you at your word that this is what you want to do.

  But for closure we need to do something even if it is just screaming in the wind.

  You could follow one of Richie Rich's threads, our not-so-underground terrorist. He does these antics for his own sanity, really. Some of his plots include:

  • Stuff contribution boxes with bogus cheques to Silentlambs or AJWRB.
  • Take a picture of yourself in the KH bathroom giving an expression on how you REALLY FEEL.
  • Prepare a public talk that targets a known stuffed shirt in the congregation.

  Little Toe left with a bang. He gave a real sermon, a heartfelt exit sermon, then walked out.

  Kwintestal first demonstrated on a KH lawn and got on the nightly news. Later he caught his elders in an administrative error (they DF'd him without giving proper notice) and made them make a public announcement that he was un-disfellowshipped. Then he left.

  Auld Soul wrote a succinct letter of disassociation that detailed his concerns.

  The best idea I've heard was to post letters to the friends and family you really care about before you leave or are announced. Don't go in to detail on why you are leaving, simply say you have concerns and if they want to know, they can contact you. I am a strong believer in giving information only when it's wanted.
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  JackC

  Thanks for the link, I'll be checking that out tonight. I have already registered to vote and have planned a burning this spring of unneeded bound volumes, unless anyone here wants them. I don't know, I think I would always be 'watching my back' if I fade away. If I go to a store it would be nice for anyone with a problem to feel compelled to avoid me, if that makes sense.

  Thanks,

  J
• 

  JackC

  The best idea I've heard was to post letters to the friends and family you really care about before you leave or are announced. Don't go in to detail on why you are leaving, simply say you have concerns and if they want to know, they can contact you. I am a strong believer in giving information only when it's wanted.

  Amen to that, we followed the bouncing ball ourselves and would never expect anyone to follow us. JW's are so used to being spoon fed every bit of information that it would defeat the whole purpose of setting someone free if we provided more that a starting point to them. This point is a must in any letter to anyone.

  Thanks,

  J