Dear All,
Most of you will be aware by now of my story regarding Watchtower and, after exiting, finding I had an even greater battle to contend with - the fight against cancer! Throughout this battle I have been helped by many people here. Uplifting words, letters, cards, presents, pms and e-mails have, on occasion, brought me to tears. The love expounded here, and for me personally, has been way beyond what I would have expected and for this I thank you with my inner soul.
On leaving JWism I really was in a state of limbo. I had been a Buddhist prior to being a JW (I know, a really strange change of tack) but "something" was missing and, at the time, I was in a fragile situation. I was running my own business, which had large debts (yet, which turned out not to be insurmountable), the exchange rate was really bad (I was dealing with two German companies, the exchange rate at the time being very much in their favour almost by the day!) and, more to the point, I was extremely happily married with two young children and feared for their futures. The JWs came round offering a message of hope and I really liked the idea of living forever with my young family in a paraidise earth with animals I dearly loved.......................
Yes, I was a prime candidate to be hooked and I fell for it! What did it was studying from the Live Forever book. I checked the references we were studying, always from the Bible, and I couldn't see how the JWs were wrong. Everything seemed to tally, so that when we got to the page which discussed 607 BCE and the fall of Jerusalem, and how this tied in with 1914 and the GB, I just accepted it with a "Wow, why can't the nations see this?" The P.O., who came with his wife to study with my Claire and I, said there was absolute archaeological proof that 607 BCE was genuine. I was so hooked and so wanting my children to live forever with mummy and daddy that I let myself believe. There was no internet at the time and I didn't use the library Everything was done via that red book and Watchtower and other organisation literature. I was gullible and I made myself believe everything was rosy. Yet Buddha had said "Don't believe what is written in a scripture but make sure of all things yourself!" Words of profound wisdom, but the JWs seemed such a wonderfully kind and considerate bunch and were putting themselves out, I thought, to study with me (I hadn't realised they were booking their time).
Anyway, on finding out everything was a lie I started to question the Bible itself. I joined an ancient bible history forum and purchased books from Amazon in my quest to get at the truth. I now know the Bible is false, but that doesn't mean there is no God or that Jesus didn't exist. I just know that the Bible has its roots in Persia and Iraq (the Jews were captured by the Persians and took a lot of the Persian beliefs on board before returning to Israel. The flood story comes from Iraq's Epic of Gilgamesh - see Ancient Iraq by Georges Roux, published by Penguin). However, there are many Bible books which should make up the canon but which were removed, and replaced by those books which shouldn't be in at all! Confused? Well, it can get that way, which is why it is good to research. So, to reiterate, I'm not saying there is no God or that Jesus never existed.
Nevertheless, even after I had debunked the Bible to my satisfaction I still felt an urge to seek out spirituality. I went back to my old Buddhist haunts and was extremely surprised - but immensely overjoyed - to find that my old teacher at the Buddhist Society of Manchester, in Sale, Cheshire, was still running the meetings. He had hardly changed one iota, even though he was 83 (now 84)! Truly, I have never seen a more sprightly 83-year-old in my life!
I went regularly to meetings twice a week, each Monday and Wednesady evenings, and came into contact with some lovely people. However, I just didn't feel everything was right, even here. The house where the meetings were held, which belongs to the Society, is very much of the Theravadin school of Buddhism - the school I was once aligned to. However, I had slowly started to distance myself from the various schools, e.g. Theravadin (Hinyana), Mahayana, Zen and Tibetan. I thought to myself what the Buddha would have thought about the various schools when his message was supposed to be simple - the eradication of suffering and the experiencing of enlightenment!
In the library of the society was a book entitled: Ramana Maharshi and the Path of Self-Knowledge by Arthur Osborne. Ramana was a Hindu, but if one's message is truth it doesn't matter what one is. I devoured the book, twice, and found within its pages the same stirrings I had experienced when I first read the words of the Buddha. The best introductory book on Buddhism I've ever read, by the way, is The Buddha's Way, by H. Saddhatissa. From within these two books I found my spirituality - and not before time.
Having been diagnosed with a rare form of blood cancer - Mantle Cell Lymphoma - and given only a short time to live, spirituality took on a major importance. More than once I experienced panic attacks, which I could hardly control and I genuinely worried about my family. Would I ever see them again? Is death the end?
During this period I came across another book, The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying by Sogyal Rinpoche. Here is another classic work which really uplifted my spirits and which I am currently re-reading. I prayed to God for direction and I thanked Christ Jesus. I became a complete vegan for 8 months, then a vegetarian and then an omnivore. The conflicting dietary information for cancer sufferers is, quite simply, difficult to take. I now believe no one really knows the answer regarding diet, but that one must listen to one's own bodily cravings and, if at all possible, stick to an ornganic diet. Meat is ok as long as it is taken in moderation and one eats more chicken and fish compared to red meat. The point is, we are omnivores and if one enjoys meat there's no point in beating oneself up about it. This merely puts one under stress, which is the last thing we need.
Coming so close to death and with my body falling apart I decided that, after 19 months of trying to do things my own way, the cancer was becoming too strong for me. I decided to go for the chemotherapy and, to be fair, it brought me back from the brink. When I say "it did" there were also other factors to consider. Vigils were being held regularly on my behalf (still are) and my spirituality had got stronger. We have to consider ALL things together.
I read many uplifting stories of cancer survivors, those given virtually no chance of beating the odds - but they did! For those interested, Ian Gawler's You Can Conquer Cancer is a must read! I don't agree with his dietary recommendations, but they worked for him. We have to remember that we are all different.
So, now I am what I would call myself a Christian Buddhist or a Buddhist Christian. I believe in rebirth, something contrary to modern Christianity but which, apparently, was believed by some early Christians. I am happy with my spirituality. I believe we are at one with the universe and that we need to tune in to that oneness to have any real chance of getting off the cycle of rebirth. I can believe in evolution AND life after death because there is no conflict with my spirituality. I can believe in God if I wish to, but I don't have to. The fact is I see no reason to disbelieve as I cannot prove it either way. And does it matter? We work out our own salvation!
Interestingly, Sogyal Rinpoche says in his book (which is a reiteration of the words of his masters) that this life is to prepare us for death! Unfortunately, he goes on to say, we in the west tend to try and ignore death because we are frightened of it. We tend to be more hedonistic so as to ignore the inevitable. I believe this! I truly believe that we should be preparing for our deaths now, in this very life! This is not a morbid outlook. Far from it! What is required is our preparing for our journey into the next life. How we act now determines our next birth or, during certain moments in the death bardo (or state: literally transition, the gap between the completion of one situation and the onset of another. We are living in a bardo now.) There are four bardos according to Tibetan tradition: the "natural" bardo of this life; the "painful" bardo of dying; the "luminous" bardo of dharmata (encompassing the after-death experience) and the "karmic" bardo of becoming.
Obviously, I don't expect everyone to agree with the above, which is why this thread is termed my personal outlook. However, a number of people have expressed interest in my beliefs so I write them here to be of help. If you find them unhelpful just please ignore. They have helped me greatly and, as I say, I'm glad I don't belong to any one school of any thought, let alone Buddhist, because out there one can find excellent uplifting spiritual information and it is up to oneself what one makes of it and how one utilises it, if at all. I can only stress that it has all helped me greatly. I am a better person for it and am not afraid of death. I am afraid of how I die, but not of death itself. I wouldn't like to die in pain or in such a condition as to cause my family distress. I'd like to die at around 83 years of age with all my faculties and in good health and happiness! That, I believe, is now achievable.
As I write this I was just thinking that Mike, a Buddhist friend of mine, hasn't yet telephoned - when suddenly he did! Coincidence? I don't believe in coincidences anymore! Mike is on his way over and we'll indulge in good spiritual talk. One needs such people to "bounce" off. However, beware of trying to find a good teacher as many are merely charlatans. Often, good books are our best recourse and I have listed here three excellent ones. I do not consider Mike my teacher, but I learn something each time we are together. He is my friend.
I now work on making the best karma possible in order that my next birth is one which allows me to progress spiritually. I would dearly love to be able to help and heal the world. What I have realised is that there will always be suffering. The world will never become a paradisaic place because suffering is inevitable. Think about it! We can be deliriously happy but we know that happiness is only fleeting. There are real moments of aboslute bliss and joy to experience, but unless one experiences enlightenment such moments are transitory. I love beautiful sunsets and undulating green hills. I am enraptured by the songs of birds in spring; by butterflies flitting about my meadow on a warm summer's day and by the frog and newt tadpoles in my pond. The heady scent of perfumed flowers, such as honeysuckle, fills me with a zest for life. All beautiful and all free to experience - but all so tragically impermanent. Let us not fool ourselves. This life IS one of suffering - what Buddha called Dukkha - but there IS a way out of Samsara (the ever changing wheel of life). That way is to experience enlightenment. And what I find so pleasing is that Buddha and Ramana were both mere mortals. Buddha merely means 'enlightened'. He wasn't a God, merely a man who lived a good life and attained full enlightenment. I believe Ramana was the same and, more to the point, he is most recent, dying in 1950. He is a modern saint, if you like, but never expressed himself as being such. It is well worth reading the book I mentioned above, no matter what your beliefs.
If you've stayed with me thus far I'm grateful. I sincerely hope you've taken my words in the vein in which they were intended, which is to be of help. Most importantly, I pray with all my heart that you find your own spirituality soon and that it leads you to enlightenment for the benefit of all sentient creatures.
With sincere love,
Ian