my mother

by Ellie 17 Replies latest jw friends

  • Ellie

    I would like to write a thread to tell you all about my mother, however it would be very long and complicated and deeply personal, exploring feelings that I don't even know if I have.

    But basically, she told me the other day that shes very ill, she needs an operation but the doc has said she wouldn't survive it, this has made me feel so guilty and terribly sad.

    What I'd like to ask you guys though is, do you think a child can be so naughty that as an adult its mother should continue to judge, and chastise in public?

    I understand that you don't know the full story, even I don't know the full story but I'd appreciate any comments you have to offer.

  • Andrea Wideman
    Andrea Wideman

    No I don't believe that a child can be so naughty that a mother has the right to chastise them or embarass them in public. When my own mother tried to act like that with me I told her what she was doing was wrong and that I didn't like it, then I stopped talking to her until she apologized and then I laid some ground rules. She too was very sick but that didn't excuse her behavior. I loved her very much, as you probably love your mom, but I couldn't tolerate her continued abuse of me.
    I hope this helps you.

  • sass_my_frass

    Oh hon, of all the binding commonalities of people here, a big one is mother issues. They got themselves into a cult that was going to save their family, and now their family is all grown up and still this system goes on. They were never going to get older, their children weren't even going to leave home! They were preparing for persecution and concentration camps, and now they have to work until they're exhausted because the pension doesn't cover them.

    It's so sad, and the worst for mothers, because all their dreams for their family just won't come true.

  • bigmouth

    Ellie, I eventually made it clear to my mother that she had to grow up or get help.Even though she's your mum she will have to meet you on an adult level. Guilty feelings for past wrongs can kill you.I was once told that a person dies the way they lived.I'm really sorry to hear of your mums illness.Let us know how things go.Pete

  • Cordelia

    ellie your mother will love you deep down no matter what, i understand where you are coming from,

    and sass you took the words right out of my mouth, ellie do you still have contact with your mother?

  • justicehope

    I believe that your mother is being herself. Unless we work hard to understand ourselves and with this awareness work at making changes nothing will change. Your mother personality causes her to treat you the same way she treated you as a child.

  • Ellie

    Thanks everyone for sharing your opinions.

    Cordelia, I do still have minimal contact with her, I probably would have more if she would just stop treating me like a little kid, I'm 26 in a couple of weeks and yet she still acts like she can control me.

    The thing that makes me angry with her is when she will put me down in public, or when I find out she has been saying things behind my back, usually to my friends or my inlaws, these are people she barely knows but still feels its ok to bitch about me to.

    I want to have a relationship with her, especially now before its too late but I can't get over the way she makes me feel, but then a part of me blames myself, believing that maybe I am the spoilt, ungrateful person she says I am.

  • SPAZnik

    I think/feel/believe it's valid to defend myself by calling a person on behaviour that I find humiliating to me. Do you? Have you? How?

    I view public chastisement/humiliation (online or offline) as a statement of fear. Any person that tries this on me is telling me "I am too afraid of you to approach you one-on-one, or I don't know how to bring this up myself, I think I need all these onlookers to help me with a situation I feel out of control with or incompetent to handle myself".

    I'm learning to feel compassion and appreciation for the person that "shows their cards" in such a manner. I'm learning to see it as an opportunity.

    In my experience behaviors such as public humiliation (online or offline) are power plays from a position of perceiving oneself as weak. Not necessarily to control or dominate the other person, but an attempt to control or dominate or even just diffuse our own fears.

    When someone did this to me and it bothered me, I would do my best to let them know that they and their perspectives matter to me but that I and my perspectives also matter to me and to offer up a more appropriate alternative suggestion for when and where to discuss this or the underlying issues at hand.

    The best way I've found to deal with difficult behaviors in ourselves and others, is to "call the person on it". Not imputing ill motives, but asking so that the person might ask themselves the same question. Allow them the dignity of time to answer it for themselves. I have found that often they don't realize how harshly they are being received or how much their jabs really do hurt.

    In the case of public humiliation perhaps the following response would fit:
    "Are you trying to humiliate me?"
    or "Are you afraid of me?"
    or "are you wishing to fight with me?"
    (followed by simple clarifying statement of when, where and if you are open for the business of resolving said conflict)

    Rather than giving in to the temptation to do the same thing right back (chastising that person in public for chastising you in public) you could later explain why you would appreciate and respect it if they would refrain from doing that, at least around you.

  • SPAZnik

    :The thing that makes me angry with her is when she will put me down in public, or when I find out she has been saying things behind my back, usually to my friends or my inlaws, these are people she barely knows but still feels its ok to bitch about me to.

    "Recognize that the other person is you." - a yogi expression
    "When you point a finger, there are ALWAYS three pointing back at you." - Dr. Phil

    Do you recognize that you are bitching about your mother on-line (a worldwide public forum), behind her back, to people you barely know?

    Doesn't it suck when we get caught behaving just like our mothers? ;)

    What would you like her to do instead?
    Do that instead. "Rebel" strategically instead of childishly imitating
    her behaviors and risking those dreaded words,

    exposing your truths is not easy. it's a very vulnerable place and takes a helluva lotta courage to go there. congratulations on exposing yourself as being just like your mother (in this instance).


    ps - when it hurts, say ouch. the truth will set you free.

    (but you have to want to be free. meaning you have to want true resolution that works for both parties, not just to be seen as The Victim, or to be seen as Right)

  • bigmouth

    'I'm learning to feel compassion '

    Keep putting in the effort spazznik.You sound mighty angry.What's wrong?

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