Dr. Sidney B. Simon and Suzanne Simon
I re-read this book every 9 months or so because forgiveness is an on-going process. I'm constantly coming in contact with people, JWs, non-JWs, ex-JWs that are working through forgiveness regarding some part of their life.
I can't post the book, but here are two segments that summarize part of the points. Remember that this is not the whole book. I highly recommend it.
What Forgiveness Is Not
Forgiveness is not forgetting.
By forgiving the people who hurt us, we do not erase painful past experiences from our memory. Nothing we have done so far has been able to turn back the clock and remove the unpleasant incidents from our life history, and forgiveness will not do that, either. We cannot forget, nor should we. Those experiences, and even the pain they caused, have a great deal to teach us, both about not being victimized again and not victimizing others.Forgiveness is not condoning
. When we forgive, we lessen the past’s impact on our present and future, but this does not alter the fact that the injuries and injustices we experienced were painful and unfair when they occurred originally. By forgiving the people who hurt us, we are not saying that what was done to us was acceptable or unimportant or "not so bad." It was bad. It did hurt. It has made a difference in our life. In fact, true forgiveness cannot occur while we are in any way denying, minimizing, justifying, or condoning the actions that harmed us.Forgiveness is not absolution
. Many of us who were raised in the Catholic religion regular confessed our sins and then received absolution. We performed whatever penance the priest suggested, and the slate was wiped clean until we next sinned, confessed, and were absolved. Many of us still associate forgiveness with this sort of absolution, but that is not what we are expected to do when we forgive the people, who hurt us. We do not "let them off the hook." We do not want to absolve them of all responsibility for their actions. They are still responsible for what they did and must make their own peace with the past.What’s more, "I absolve you" are words spoken from atop our mountain of self-righteousness and demonstrate that we have not yet healed our wounds or let go of pain from the past. They let us play God, a benevolent God this time rather than a punitive one, but still a God who judges and then condemns or absolves the sinner. Absolution is just another way to be "one up" on the people who hurt us. An d that is not forgiveness.
Forgiveness is not a form of self-sacrifice
. Forgiveness is not gritting our teeth and tolerating the people who hurt us. Plastering a smile on our face and "making nice" is not forgiving. Forgiveness is not swallowing our true feelings and playing the martyr, saying it’s all right when it is not or getting by somehow in spite of the pain. The "grin and bear it" approach to forgiveness makes life less joyful and more difficult. Actual forgiveness has the opposite effect and cannot be undertaken halfheartedly. We either forgive or we don’t. Being honest about the fact that we are not ready to forgive yet is better for us in the long run than pretending to forgive.Forgiveness is not a clear-cut, one-time decision
. No matter how sinerely we want to let go of the past and move on with our life, we cannot expect to wake up one morning, think, "Okay, today’s the day I’m going to forgive someone who hurt me," and then blithely do it. We cannot make a five-year plan that designates the first Tuesday of every third month as a forgiveness day or finish reading this book, make a list of people who have hurt us, and systematically forgive them. Forgiveness just doesn’t work that way. It cannot be forced. Forgiveness is what happens naturally as a result of confronting painful past experiences and healing old wounds.Forgiveness is a way of reaching out
From a bad past and head
Out to a more positive future
—Marie BalterWhat Forgiveness Is
Forgiveness is a by-product of an ongoing healing process.
Forgiveness is an internal process.
Forgiveness is a sign of positive self-esteem.
Forgiveness is letting go of the intense emptions attached to incidents from our past.
Forgivness is recognizing that we no longer need our grudges and resentments, our hatred and self-pity.
Forgiveness is no longer wanting to punish the people who hurt us.
Forgiveness is accepting that nothing we do to punish them will heal us.
Forgiveness is freeing up and putt to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds.
Forgiveness is moving on (when YOU are ready)
Blondie