".... I feel pain, and rage. And pain. And rage. I just want to LET IT GO. How long am I going to hang on to the anger? HOW do you let it go?"
For me, anger is kinda like pain. I don’t like pain, but pain warns me and keeps me from getting hurt. If my hand gets to close to a fire, it hurts and pain warns me to pull away my hand away. It doesn’t mean that pain is necessarily bad, it actually serves me in this way. I don’t want to ignore pain, or pretend it doesn’t exist. Too much pain is not good, but kept in its place, pain benefits me. I kinda look at anger this way. If someone wrongs me, I don’t mean superficially, but if they deeply wrong me, it’s only natural for me to become angry about it. I don’t ignore or deny my anger anymore than I would ignore or deny the pain in my hand being too close to the fire. I embrace my anger. Embracing your anger and not ignoring, is the first step in letting it go. Some people are angry for years about something, but they never get in touch with their anger (I was like this regarding my JW experiences) and consequently it gnaws at them for years until they finally face it. My anger is there to keep me from getting hurt again. In time, I allow the anger to subside and rest, but I can get in touch with it, at any time. This way, that person won’t (as easily) hurt me again. I don’t live with anger, when it comes to my sister. I don’t even think about her unless something stimulates the memory. But, I will always have anger towards her for her decision to cut me off from my nephews and niece. It really doesn’t matter to me if she believes she was pleasing God in doing so, or not. The end result is pain and hurt for me. And ‘me’, is where I have to live. Is it destructive for me to stay in touch with my anger towards my sister for what she has done? I really don’t think so. I suppose there are those who would say otherwise, but that just doesn’t make any sense to me. I could look at it as; she is a victim (of the Watchtower). Ok, but she is a willing victim. Your sister is also a victim in this sense. I believe that each one of us has an internal moral compass that tells us what is right from wrong. Your sister (like mine) I believe, deep down knows what she is doing is wrong (treating her mother so shamefully). But she has allowed herself to be coddled into believing her action(s) are God pleasing, and THAT is a choice, and should go against any normal person’s internal moral code. She should have all kinds of flags going off in her head that treating her mother this way is wrong, but she chooses to ignore the warnings. It’s a choice. One cannot forget that these are adults making grownup decisions, albeit destructive ones. They reap what they sow. We all do.
I suggest you don’t deny your anger but embrace it, but don’t to let it control you. You don’t want to go to the Darkside (Smile). This event just happened, so its only natural I think to feel the sting for a while. In time that will subside somewhat, hopefully. But I don’t think it’s a healthy goal to completely loose your anger about the way your sister has behaved. You don’t want to get ‘burned’ again, now do you? There is such a thing as righteous indignation, and you have the right to feel that considering her actions, in my opinion. Why not give yourself some time to be pissed? Nothin’ wrong with that. We’re taught that it’s wrong to get angry. That’s just so much bulls**t. Be angry about it, its ok. Most normal people would be pissed about seeing their mothers treated this way.
"many have it much much worse than I do, and yet they seem to have moved on...accepted it."
Dear one, please don’t minimize what you’re feeling by comparing your situation to others. Every situation is unique, and so is yours. Your hurt is just as real and just as painful as anyone else’s is. And don’t rush yourself to "accept it". There are many emotions to work through here, and not just anger. This JW junk we go through takes time. Allow yourself plenty of it. This is not a race, take all the time you need.
"How do you let a PERSON go? How do you let a person go when you really don't want to?"
It was somewhat easy for me, letting my sister go since we were really never all that close. So I may not be the right person to try and answer this question (as if there is an answer). Lisa, everyone in this life must choose his or her own path. I love my JW mother, but she goes hot and cold towards me depending on if she has recently visited my sister who puts pressure on her to shun me (or so I believe judging by her behavior after visits with her). If my mother decides one day to disconnect from me, I will not like it, but if that’s her choice then, I will respect that and give her what she wants. I guess your situation is different though, isn’t it? You sister seems to want her shunning ‘cake’ and eat it too! She wants to visit and keep the family connection (which serves HER) while hurting your dear mother who doesn’t in any way deserve to be treated so terribly. I simply don’t know what to tell you as to what to do. But if I were in your shoes (as much as I can imagine) I would focus my love and loyalty towards my mom. And I might have to have a kind of pretend funeral in my mind for my sister, even if it meant I would miss her. I wouldn’t call her or contact her in any way. And if she were to show up at future family events, I would be pleasant but distant. And if she asked me why I was ‘cold’ towards her, I would be polite, but to the point.
Lisa, I don’t know if any of this may be of any help to you. I know what works for me, but of course that doesn’t mean my process should work for everyone. I feel great compassion (and affinity) for ones like you who have at no fault of their own suffered at the hands of the Watchtower Society. I want to help, but I’m not tooled or skilled enough to accomplish that task necessarily. I can tell you that I have benefited greatly by telling and sharing my experiences with others that understand my situation (such as this forum) and it has helped.
Let us know how you are doing, ok? You are not alone.
Steve
