Background:My sister M., shuns my mom because mom is DF. My sister and I have become estranged because of the tension and hard feelings around this shunning of mom. It has been several years since I have seen her or heard from her. My mom has not see her daughter or the grandchildren in years.
Long story, letting off steam:Well, a few weeks ago, my sister, M., went to Texas for our step- grandpa’s funeral. And there, at the funeral, most of our torn-to-pieces family met up for the first time in years, much to all our shock.
You see, no one in the family had any idea that M. was coming to the funeral. (No one has heard from our very GOOD JW sister in years.) So, we were at the graveside, the pastor began to speak, when out of nowhere, up walks M. and her adorable kids, to the shock of mom. She was totally unprepared and in a public place, and already under a big emotional strain because she had just lost a man she considered an adoptive father.. The surprise was too much for her. She actually cried out when she saw M., and then started crying and crying…trying to hold back the sobs. (M. later said she was ‘too embarrassed’ to leave a message on anyone’s phone telling us she was coming and never was able to reach anyone live.)
I held Mom until my step-dad arrived at her side (he was a pallbearer). Then I asked mom if she would be ok if I went over and gave M. a hug, she said sure of course. So I went over and gave her a hug and told her I loved her. My step dad came over with mom, and mom hugged M. like she would never let her go, sobbing the whole time…
When she finally let go, we all tried to listen to the pastor speak and think of Grandpa and say goodbye…but we couldn’t.
We all felt glad to see M. But we were all cheated out of a funeral for Grandpa. We had no time to really think of him, as much as we tried. I felt sorry of Grandpa’s daughter and son who didn’t know what was going on…or who M. even was. (remember, he was a step-grandpa) The day that was not supposed to be about M. but that is how it ended up, at least for a hand full of people at the funeral.
After the funeral, M. joined the rest of the extended family at my Grandma’s house. She did not speak directly to mom there more than a few words. She introduced her children to all the family that they have never known, and even to Mom. The children were very confused when M. introduced Mom as their ‘Grandma.’ They said, “She isn’t Grandma! Silly Mommy!” And M. said, “She is another Grandma.” This was news to the kids.
She actually agreed to come to Mom’s house to visit that evening, and Mom went home early to clean up so the house would look nice for her. As my step dad also rushed around neatening things in the house he said to me, “Wouldn’t it be nice if we could have a nice happy ending? I want your Mom to be happy…to have 100% of her kids, to be complete.”
M. arrived at the house a while later and visited with all of us…except Mom. I thought I saw them exchange a few words, but I figured it was just that things were tense and it would take a little time for them to break the ice.
M. also agreed to come back to the house the next day to visit a bit more before she had to go home.
As soon as she arrived the next day, she announced that she, Mom, and our step-dad should go for a walk to talk. She had things to say. They were gone for a long time. Mom says M. spoke to her a little bit on the walk, but mostly she was talking to our step-dad. Of course, the talk didn’t go well, and what little M. did say to Mom was not at all warm. (The talk was all about how M. has to live by JEHOVAH’S rules, blah blah blah and how Mom can come back to JEHOVAH any time…And how it is MOM’s fault that M. can’t speak to her…blah, blah, blah…)
Then, my brother A. and I had a turn to talk to M. I expressed my feelings to her, and I think we understand each other. There is a lot of pain between us still, and I don’t know how things will be now. I told her I love her, even though she shuns Mom. I told her I love her and that I was sorry for not keeping in touch. She said she feels that everyone has abandoned her. She told me she was not sure if anyone in the family would speak to her when she came to the funeral. It was very sad. I told her we would NEVER not speak to her. That we love her. No matter what. I also told her I am angry that she shuns mom.
The rest of the afternoon was spent talking about lighter subjects like the weather and how big my kids are now.
We had lunch, but M. would not eat at the table with mom. Let me tell you, we all (me, A., and our step-dad) were furious at her. I mean, WTF??? She is at Mom’s house!! Invited by Mom, fed by Mom, loved by Mom, and she treats her like dirt!! But we didn’t say anything. We should have. (!!!) I think we were all in shock. She did it very quietly…didn’t say, “I won’t eat with you!” Rather, she just found a chair elsewhere. It was obvious what she was doing because there was one empty spot at the table! Hers!
In the end, M. had came over to Mom’s house twice and didn’t really speak to her. She showed her no pictures, told her no personal info, nothing. She flew out to Texas to shun Mom in person. My mother is torn to pieces.
Our step dad is pissed.
Mom insists that she will always have her door open to M., …she wants M. to know that she ALWAYS has a place to go if she needs one. That might be the case, but I won’t like seeing her treat Mom like a ‘less-than’ again. In fact, I don’t ever want to see that again. I miss her, but not that much. I think she should just stay home if she can’t be nice.
In the end I am left with the same question Mom asked over and over: “Why did she come?”
Was it because her step-grandpa died? Maybe, but she barely knew him and had not seen him in years and years…so I don’t think so.
Was it because she wanted to visit Mom and a funeral is the only time she felt it was allowed? Maybe, but she didn’t actually ‘visit’ with Mom, she just visited with the rest of us, so I don’t think so.
Was it because she wanted to visit the rest of us? Maybe. Maybe to see if we still loved her?
Or was it to tell Mom how hurt and angry she is? Perhaps that is it. That's all she accomplished on the trip. That and seeing what we all look like now and where we stand.
I have spent years trying to figure out how I feel about her and how I want to treat her and how to talk to her……..and now I just don’t care any more.
OK, I do care, damn it.
thanks for reading this long ramble....