I justed registered recently, but have been out for over 10 years. I have been involved with other forums and groups off and on over the last year. My wife (never a dubby) has been very supportive and helped me locate the local Meetup group. That group provided much needed support and helped my wife & me appreciate that others have experienced what I have. Recently the Meetup group disolved and I was referred to this site by a few of the membersfrom the Meetup. I spent a little of my work day (alot actually) browsing around. I wish I had known of this long ago. this seems to be a very warm and welcoming group of people, and i think you all provide good advice and support for one another.
In August or September, I made a decision to sever all ties with my family (with the exception of a select few such as mys sisters and a cousin or two) and wrote a fairly strong letter th my "parental units" who are still in. I realize that this is fairly agressive but hope all will understand that this was the result of 10+ years of emotional yo-yoing.
B___ and M___,
Originally this letter was going to be much longer and detailed. I was going to make an attempt to help you see what I have been through in the last ten years and what our relationship has been and meant to me during that time. I intended to help you understand who I am, and how I came to be this person. In light of recent events however, this correspondence will be much shorter and less cordial.
Apparently there is no room in your narrow scope of reality for you to appreciate how your actions affect other people, in particular your children. I say this for a number of reasons. For instance, over the last ten years you have subjected my sisters and I to what can best be described as an emotional yo-yo. You have varied wildly between “we love you, you are our children” to a stance that could be phrased “we can’t talk to you, you are the spawn of Satan”. We have endured this treatment and been far too forgiving because we were raised believing as you do. By this I mean that we understood where you were coming from as we were also taught to shun those who left the “truth”. In truth, it would have been much better had you chosen one stance or the other. Due to this erratic behavior, we have all suffered from a variety of issues around social and personal interactions. It has taken an enormous amount of support from those who truly care about us to achieve any level of self-confidence or ability to allow ourselves to be loved unconditionally. All people have a right to be loved for who they are, not who someone thinks they should be. All three of us have turned out to be wonderful and caring people; we are not evil as you would have us believe. We are not the defective failures you would paint us to be.
The failure is your own. You are so focused on what your religion dictates and what you want to be true, you have lost your only children. While you may still have some semblance of communication with one or more of us now or in years to come, the damage you have done can never be repaired. I am writing this letter to you because I am no longer willing to stand by and wait for you to come around. For the last ten years I have waited for you to realize that I will never be the perfect little clone you wanted me to be. I have given you opportunity after opportunity to be true parents instead of religious fanatics that gave birth. The entire system of shunning and cutting off communication with those who don’t follow your prescribed way of life is flawed. It works on the belief that the shunned person will be so miserable, lonely and weak away from their faith, “family and friends” they will come running back. The flaw is this, what if the shunned person isn’t miserable? What if they aren’t weak? What if the “family and friends” and alleged support group fail to provide the support and draw? These are legitimate questions. The real problem you have is your children are not weak. We are not miserable. We are not the mindless drones and “sheep” you wanted us to be. Instead of accepting this, you have clung stubbornly to a ridiculous expectation that we should and would be the weak, miserable sheep you need us to be. It’s unbelievable to me that, after ten years of the same bullsh_t, you still expect the same pathetic actions to miraculously produce different results. It seems painfully obvious to me you would get better results beating your head against an unyielding wall. Without directly telling you that I have no interest in returning to your way of life, I have tried to communicate to you that I have become my own person. You have no interest in your children or who they really are; all you see is our failure to become what you would have us be.
Why now? You may ask. Why this sudden outburst? This is not sudden; it has been building for ten or more years. You have never been open to the possibility that you may be wrong. We have catered to your needs and frailties. We have avoided direct conversations and confrontations because we wanted to keep you happy. But how long can you live a certain way just to keep your parents happy? How long can you tell them what they want to hear? How long can you deny who you are when your parents come to town? You have no interest having a relationship with us. You only wish to counteract the embarrassment you have incurred by not having the “perfect Christian family”. We are nothing to you.
The motivation for this letter has been several things. Even prior to your refusal to attend my wedding (filled with discussion about how family was the most important thing and attempted reminiscence of our childhood) I had tired of the emotional games and abuses you had subjected us to. Included with this letter is a 4 CD set I have been working on for over 4 years. The music on the discs expresses the feelings and thoughts that I have. I have not included the words, as you would only read the lyrics. Much of the message is in the delivery as well as the words. I have no misconceptions of you ability to actually listen to and understand the music and the message I am trying to impart. I only hope that you will at least make an effort to comprehend what is being said. I have also intended to write you a letter for an extended period of time; I have somehow allowed myself to be lured into a false sense of hope that you would mysteriously change over the years. On my own I have been able to “forget” the reasons to send you the CDs and letter as you were only f_cking with me. I can “forgive and forget” (so to speak) when it comes to trespasses against myself. The turning point for me was when you felt it was ok to pull the same sh_t with the next generation. You have no right to drag a beautiful person like M___ (your one and only grandchild) into the same f_ked up reality you have forced upon your children. What makes you think that you are in any way entitled to a relationship with her? Was it my decision, she would be told that she had no grandparents on her mom’s side. There is no way I would allow you anywhere near her, or allow you the opportunity to f_k her up the way you did us.
The next contributing factor to the writing if this letter is the correspondence M___ had with S__ today. I cannot believe you had the audacity to blame S___ for the emotional and physical abuse you have inflicted on her. What gives you the right to treat anyone, especially your children, this way?!?!?!?
To sum it up in words you will understand, I want nothing further to do with you. I don’t want to hear from you, I don’t want to see you; I don’t even want an e-mail from you. You are dead to me. If (for some f_ked up reason) you feel the need to respond to this letter, or feel you want to be parents to me, don’t. If you still feel the same way a year from now (with no wavering in opinion or change in judgment) DON’T CALL ME! Try waiting 5-10 years. You have made the decision to chose your church over your children, let them take care of you when you are old and broken.
This is it,
K___