I saw that other people had done this and I figured it would be a good way to introduce myself. I've been reading many of the threads and let me tell you that it's comforting to read that others feel the same way I have felt about being in the organization. I'm not sure how much I can contribute as far as delectible tidbits of information, but I have replied to a couple of threads to, if nothing else, interject some 'humor' into things.
So, here we go...I'm currently in therapy for severe depression. I'm sure many of you know this tale. Raised as a witness, daughter of a Ministerial Servant and Regular Pioneer, baptised at 11, auxilliary pioneering by 13, doing everything 'right.' It was a life of silent misery...you know how clannish and exclusive jw's can be...somehow I never could fit in...I was very much the social outsider. But I plodded along...why? Cause I was an obedient child, honoring my parents by following their lead, when deep down inside I wished that I could be killed so that my 'personal' suffering would end and hopefully I would be ressurected into paradise...and if not...then I would be dead, and at least not having to worry about burning in hell was a comfort, eh?
It was a big hub-bub...my father ended up being disfellowshipped for not quitting his job because the new CO didn't want him working for a shipyard that took on Navy contracts. I'm pretty much giving bare bones here, because i'm sure you've heard this all before just packaged a little bit differently. Others, in the same congregation that worked at the same job weren't disfellowshipped though. Interesting, no? My mother questioned and pleaded and they treated her abismally, so badly that she disassociated herself because she couldn't be civil to those who dfed such an 'evil' man. So here I was...17. Still going to the meetings...trying to beat down the bitterness that welled inside of me when I saw what they had done to my family, but I still went to the meetings, still auxed. Why? I'm guessing cause I was terrified. What would I have done outside of the organization?! I had no friends, I was terrified of men, especially worldly men cause all they wanted from women was sex. (ha-ha) Spiritually? I might have been 'strong' in the organization's eyes. I went to the meetings, went through the motions, appeared stead-fast even though i was surrounded by wickedness (my parents.) Mentally? I was falling apart. My parents eventually divorced (I think religion was the one final thread that held them together so long...after that they truly drifted apart.)
I thought that the congregation would help me through my rough time cause isn't that what our brotherhood should do? Raise each other up? Ha-ha. I was told that this was testing from Jehovah and I just had to endure and eventually I would be made stronger for this. Well, something in me snapped. I started to question this logic...and with that started to question everything else from soup to nutz. I talked with one man who was a ministerial servant, and had stumbled in the past with doubt and we had been associates through school...I thought he would be a good person to sound off too and maybe he could help me find strength again. Well I told him my doubts and questions and he listened intently, answered what he could and all in all made me feel like things were going to get better. I felt as I believe a penatent feels when they confess their sins...a weight had been lifted...only to be slammed down on me so fast I didn't even see where it came from. Oh nice ministerial servant told the elders...and I was tried and convicted, told I was dabbling in apostacy and was on thin ice for being disfellowshipped myself. I had lost what little spiritual strength I had left to endure in that verdict.
I left. I had been judged by god unworthy aparently. I don't want this to be a sob story. It is what it is. It has taken a lot of strength both inner and through help of outside people to rebuild my pillar of beliefs. It has taken me through mental illness, aneorexia and bulimia up to the point of self-termination for me to realize that my self-worth should be determined by myself and not what others perceive of me. And I'm trying to come back to a point of faith and belief, this time decided by myself and not others, and I have surrounded myself with people that love me for me, not because I'm part of an ultra-secret fan club or I know the password, but because they honestly like me and treat me as they would like me to treat them. I have found 'brotherly' love from those whom the jw's condemed as the evil W word.
Wow, this is long! So sorry about my long-windedness. Anyway, I think this is a good part of the healing process, to discuss and to listen and to enjoy differences. We praise "God" with the bounty of the Earth, with the variety and color and splendor, but we condemn each other because out of that variety differences in belief and faith have arisen. Ironic I think?