Mail from my JW brother...

by Bruja-del-Sol 25 Replies latest members private

• 

  Bruja-del-Sol

  Today I've received an email from my JW brother. And I'm not sure wether to be happy or not.

  It started actually two years ago, when I first received a message via YouTube with a question related to something we had in common in the past. I was flabbergasted and also pretty pissed off, because he was the one that told me to never mail, phone or visit again after I was DF'd. And all of a sudden he thinks it's normal to send a message out of the blue, only because he wanted something from me. So I never responded.

  But a couple of months ago, after reading a lot here on JWN, I thought... well, what the heck, I'll answer his question after all. So I did. It was also a nice way to congratulate him with his new born granddaughter. Which is quite an embarrassing happening for my JW family, since my niece was only 15 when her baby was born last summer. She was secretly dating a worldly boy and got pregnant. OOPS! Abortion is a 'no go', obviously, so the baby was born and both young parents are working on staying a couple for the sake of their baby. My niece still lives with her parents and is still in school.
  I've heard all about this situation from my younger sister (the only one that wasn't baptized and got out of the cult when she was 18... smart girl! She's the only one that is having contact with the family and with me). Of course I didn't get any announcement when the baby was born, and I wasn't sure whether or not I should sent a congratulation card, so I didn't. And told my brother in my email that I wanted to send a card, but was in doubt because I didn't know if he would accept it or not.

  He replied to that email and said that I could've sent a card, that would've been okay with him, but 'interaction still isn't an option' until I will be reinstated. So I wrote him back that I will never be reinstated, so things will stay the same them. No contact.

  A couple of weeks ago I've sent him another email with some links I found here on JWN, and I've asked him to use his own thinking skills, not just accept everything the GB is telling. Of course he didn't reply.

  Then I heard from my sister last week, that he told her about that email and that he didn't know what to think of it. It made him feel uncomfortable, he doesn't want to get such emails. But he also told her that he actually DID like my other emails. My brother has always been quite difficult with expressing his feelings, so this was something I didn't expect. Especially with his 'interaction isn't an option' in mind.

  So I've written another email last week, to ask him how he defines 'interaction'. Does that include email contact? It did for years, but referring to his out-of-the-blue-youtube-message I wanted to ask him if anything has changed in his views. So I politely asked him if he would answer that question, so I will know where I stand at this point.

  This morning I received his reply. It's a fascinating one. It appears that both parents of his daughter's boyfriend are DF'd! He writes that at first he acted the same towards them as towards me: DF'd equals no contact. But they wanted to see their granddaughter and be a part of her life, so they went to their neighbour who is an elder and former CO, to ask him some advice. He then did some research and had a conversation with my brother and SIL and told them that there are circumstances where contact with DF'd family members, specially next of kin, is desired (or necessary) and in this case the other grandparents of his daughter's baby were involved, her next of kin. So he then gave them the advice to accept them into the family and have normal interation with them.

  This on itsself is already some amazing advice! I happen to know this former CO and he's a bit of a weird guy, but not a bad guy. So he did the right thing.

  My brother wrote me that he concluded that if he can interact with his daughter's "inlaws", he should also be able to do so with me. But since I've written this (for him) disturbing email and since he knows I'm not too positive about the JW's he's concerned about it. So he now said that an email every now and then would be okay, with the restriction that we both will never write a word about religion.

  This is a huge breakthrough. In 12 years it's the first time he gives in a bit. But I don't feel happy.

  We used to be so close, we were always making music together, singing harmonies, joking and laughing, visiting each other... and for 12 years it's been dead silent. And now he's sort of 'allowing' me to write an email every now and then... and I'm not sure how this will work out. I've put all my feelings for him and his family behind thick walls. It feels weird... I have no idea what his life looks like at the moment, how my SIL is doing, how things are with the baby, and I'm sort of scared to ask... I don't know if I WANT to know. Knowing these things will let my guard down, make me vulnerable... what if he changes his mind again due to some stupid WT-article? He dropped me like a brick once, I don't want to feel that hurt again...

  So on the one hand I'm thrilled, there's an opening, a way to communicate with my brother again... on the other hand it scares me to death, it's hard to trust this will work out in time... And even with a email every now and then, it's never going to be what it used to be unless he quits with the JW, which will probably never happen.

  Does any of you have some sort of similar experience with relatives? How did you go about it? How do you deal with these mixed feelings? I'm pretty clueless at the moment...

  Thanks for reading anyway.
• 

  steve2

  I can understand your mixed feelings! I have siblings still in - and we have an understanding that we will carry on as a family on condition that there is mutual respect for one another's beliefs. We get together as per a normal extended family - seldom are others such as witnesses present but that works out well for the family. My now deceased mother was a loyal JW but she never shunned me when I was disfellowshipped for apostasy - a wonderful woman and mother. My siblings have simply taken a leaf from her book. Time's on your side, friend. Your JW brother is slowly realising how complicated life can be - and is showing some refreshing flexibility. From what I hear, despite stern warnings from the organization, increasing numbers of Witnesses are taking a more flexible approach to disfellowshipping when it comes to family members.
• 

  zebagain

  hows the baby?
• 

  The Searcher

  If I were in your position, I'd say to my relative that I appreciate their stance toward me is based on the Org's interpretation of Jesus' words at Matthew 18:17 - "If he does not listen to them, speak to the congregation. If he does not listen even to the congregation, let him be to you just as a man of the nations and as a tax collector."

  I would then ask him if he speaks and preaches to "men of the nations" & "apostates in Christendom", and ask him why he decided to shun me, but not all these other people!
• 

  Bruja-del-Sol

  @Steve: thanks for your support. Glad you've kept a relationship with your relatives. We'll see how things with mine will work out.

  @Zeb: Thanks for asking Zeb, the baby's doing fine. My brother and SIL are helping my niece out with taking care of her. Childcare has chosen a guardian to look after her until my niece will be 18, which is in a little less than two years. At least, that's what I've heard from my sister. I think this is a good thing. Normally I'm not a big fan of childcare, since in Holland they make an awful lot of mistakes, but in this case with the JW's involved I think it's good that an outsider keeps a eye on the whole situation.

  @Searcher: I fully agree with your reasoning, although I don't think this will be the right thing to do if I don't want him to slam all doors in my face again. Thanks for your response.
• 

  Qcmbr

  Write an honest email along the lines of what you have shared above. You are under no obligation to avoid treading on eggshells that he/the org have created and so simple frankness will be very useful. On the other hand you should respect his right to create those eggshells and so don't purposefully wreck them (metaphor for don't bother talking about the org unless you actually want to rather than simply because you feel a need to 'free' him)

  Points you made that I think are powerful and will make him think:

  1 - You miss him, you miss the things you used to do and you have very dear memories of times shared.

  2 - You respect him and want to be there to support and be part of the family without judgment over circumstance and through thick and thin. The conditions around the birth are not important to you, being available and caring are.

  3 - You appreciate that he has made contact and you are very grateful. You find it confusing and uncomfortable that so much that is good, wholesome and normal in family relationships can be so easily thrown away. Tell him you have never thought any less of him or stopped loving him and that you wish to put the past behind you and that you will agree to leave personal beliefs and religion as personal.

  Do not acknowledge his right to ignore you and to expect you to play by this frankly ridiculous rule. Don't even acknowledge it anymore except maybe once to say you will resume all contact via letters, emails, phone calls etc - don't even ask if that's ok . If he wishes to keep things awkward make it awkward for him, it isn't your job to enable his organisation's anti social, anti family teachings.

  Finally - ignore everything I've said and do what you feel to be authentic to you and right by your moral standards. Good luck :)
• 

  Bruja-del-Sol

  Thanks Qcmbr, you're being really helpful. I think I can use some of your ideas, they resonate with what I was already thinking.
• 

  happy@last

  It is a shame that he now thinks he can have some relationshiop with you due to someone else's research, and not because he wants to. That said I would still email and tell him how much you miss him and remember fondly the things you used to do and speak of the things you have been doing. Respect his request not to speak of anything religious and you don't know will happen over time.
• 

  Bruja-del-Sol

  @ happy@last: thanks! You wrote it, I've thought it. No apologies for twelve years of making a wrong decision, and some elder/ex-CO says something and now all of a sudden it's okay to email. Well, I will wait a couple of days before I write. I need some time to go through all the emotions this has triggered, but next week I will definitely write him. My thought is to address his authentic persona, talk about songs we used to sing, jokes we used to laugh about together, and maybe he'll start thinking one day. For instance, I am very happy, but for a JW it's nearly unthinkable that a happy life outside 'the Truth' is possible. Maybe if he learns that I am genuinely happier than I used to be as a JW... who knows.

  What also got me thinking is the bizar coincidence that his daughter hooks up with some worldly boy, gets pregnant, and then it turns out the boy's parents are both DF'd witnesses. I don't believe in coincidences like that... I like to believe there's a reason for it. So we'll see what happens. A part of me is hoping that we will one day be together again, singing and playing music... but then again I tell myself that's wishful thinking. Then again... one must never stop dreaming! Hahaha, my head's tossing and turning... that's why I will wait before I write back.
• 

  Oubliette

  Talk to your brother, the authentic, real person he is behind the cult. Don't discuss religion. It'll be awkward, but doable. If HE brings up stuff like, "You need to come back to Jehovah," you could respond, "I know you love me and care about me, but remember YOUR rule: We don't discuss religion! It's YOUR rule."